Jess, what do you want from this thread? It is obvious that you are struggling a lot with your perception of yourself, but a lot of what you are saying are things that would be better placed in an R/V.
Sorry Katy I don't know. I meant to ask is it ok to ask about when I might hear from step up as its only been a week? I don't really know how to manage my fears around this. I've had nightmares about getting fatter and of people laughing at me. I'm not managing very well. Sorry to have posted inappropriately .
Sorry to be slow here Jess, but isn't the idea of refeeding that it is different from regular eating, with the aim to be safe and not 'shock' the body, so that it should avoid physical problems? In that sense, could your SEEDS nurse provide a refeeding plan?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Thanks Sophia my fault I didn't explain it well enough. Emotions get in the way a lot with this subject for me so sorry about that. Having a refeeding plan minimises risk but physical complications relating to bloods and other very unpleasant things can still occur. This is what my mum and I are afraid of. I also have no idea how to overcome the solids thing. The fat on my body and the flashbacks make me cringe. I'm just so stuck. I'm so sorry.
Correct me if I am wrong, having no experience in this area. But wouldn't just going back onto solids straight away be a massive issue anyway due to how long you have been restricting? Yes there are still issues with a refeeding plan, but in the long term would that not be healthier (I wanted to use another word but forgot which one I meant) and better for your body in the long term? It will be less of a shock to your system and help you on the road to recovery.
Also, not meaning to be disrespectful to your mum and yourself, but wouldn't it be wise to follow the plan that a care team are suggesting than to be worried about the physical complications that could still occur? Surely the fact that it would help you onto the road to recovery and away from the physical complications that would no doubt continue if you refuse to eat at all are way more important to you?
At the end of the day Jess, it is up to you, no one else as to how you go forward with recovery, if you want it at all. Not your mum and not your care team, but I think you need to accept that the longer you 'sit back' and let this ED control you, the harder it will be for you to come back from it and be healthy, which you do deserve.
You need to see that you are not fat and disgusting, your body is starting to fall apart from the amount of restricting you have put it under, if you genuinley where fat as you are claiming you are, you would not be in the situation you now are in.
That sounds a lot more blunt that I intended it to be, I apologise, I cannot think of a better way to word that all.
I don't know. I'm a mess I cried all day . I saw my seeds nurse and she was like well you will gain when you eat whereas other people had said it wouldn't be the focus and could be managed. Now I feel I can't trust anyone and I don't want to end up back in a suicidal place. I broke a rule today in spite of not wanting to get fat. I'm so disgusting. I just feel paralysed. I'm so sorry.
Sorry I totally didn't answer that question did I ,! They haven't given me a plan they are asking for minor changes none of which I can do with any consistency. It's hard to explain I'm sorry. I just wish I didn't feel so low and destructive and fat I'm so sorry x
ARRGh I can't cope with noise in my head. I can't take the shame surrounding the rule breaking. Even though I'm too fat I wish step up would call. I feel so low and desperate that I won't get back to uni in September. I feel like everyone hates me especially my tutors wife who runs pups I feel awful about it I would give everything to work for and learn from them as they are so knowledgable . I don't what to do my seeds nurse made it abundantly clear i cant contact eating disorders in her absence so I have to wait and see I just want to tear the fat off my mum can't this any more and I don't blame her. Any ideas for what I can do to feel more secure? I'm sorry to waste people's time xx
In all honestly, you probably need to gain weight. We need to eat to survive. You cannot survive at an impossibly low weight forever; your body starts to eat away at yourself, your bones, your heart, your organs. If you don't gain weight, you know what will happen.
Are you not able to follow the plan at all?
By rule breaking, you mean breaking anti-recovery rules?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Thanks sophia no I can't seem to manage it at all. I'm so anxious about getting back to uni and I'm feeling so unwell I think may see if I can speak to step up about a refeed. I just want to feel like everyone else and not a fat freak. Shame is a huge barrier. I don't know how to get passed it. I can't help wishing someone would tell me what to do as I can't seem to find the strength to stand up to my anorexia. I'm so sorry xx
Hi, You're being told what to do. Follow the recovery rules and accept that the voice in your head is lying to you. It is lying. Accept that until you're completely recovered that voice will be around, but as you get stronger you'll be able to get on with your life (like Uni) and the voice will get quieter and eventually disappear. Believe me. xx
Niles: I really must go. I'm hosting a seminar on multiple personality disorders and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags.
Thanks K8EB! I suppose what I mean is I feel I need permission to accept more intensive help because I feel too fat and just not ill enough. I'm scared that if I accept support to the level I need I'm scared someone else who is severely ill will die I would never forgive myself if that happened! Also K8EB I love Frasier! I'm sorry for not making sense xx
Thanks Katie. Feel so anxious and fat and low. No news from step up and everything just feels too close and so far away. I'm so fat I don't deserve support and I've been told not to ask for any. I don't know anymore. X
Feeling really fat anxious and disgusted. I'm afraid I'm not thin enough and I'm scared that I will get even fatter and not be able to cope. Weirdly this is making my mood worse. For the first time in a while I just want to escape I'm half tempted to ask for support but feel too ashamed and worthless to ask and I don't know who I would ask! Sorry I'm babbling I just wish I was like every other person with anorexia and not a fat freak. Any suggestions would be great I'm sorry x
Ask your care team? Jess you are really ill and seem to swing between a desire to let the anorexia win and wanting to fight it. It seems like you really don't know where to start but that you also don't want to listen to advice you have been given here. Only you can make the steps to beat the anorexia, not us, not your mum.
The anorexia is controlling you, you carry on this way you will be throwing your life away. You've already had to stop uni, you are on the verge of losing a lot more if you continue to let the anorexia win.
Until you start to accept support no one can help you.
Sorry Katy, I was told by my SEEDS nurse not to contact them in her absence with exception of physical crisis f course. I don't know I do vacillate I don't mean to spent ages crying in the shower ad didn't get up until 4 and I'm still exhausted! I've no idea how to address my body shame and fears that if I'm this size and restrict surely I will be obese if I eat?! I'm sorry I will shut up x
AARrGH I can't cope with the fat and the sense of failure and violation. I had row with my mum and we both ended up crying. I'm still trembling inside I lost the plot and ended up punching my face and banging my head anything to punish myself and stop the anxiety and dirtiness and distress from boiling over. I confused my time with the seeds nurse and should have gone today but I'm now going next week instead. It turns out there is no news from step up and as my mum got so worried she called step up who hadn't received the email I just feel even more worthless and I know I'm too fat to deserve help. I don't want to sound even more evil or paranoid but I don't believe the email was sent I will find out tomorrow for certain asmy mum is phoning to talk to the lady who runs step up and knows what emails and phone calls have been received. The lady my mum spoke to also said they would never take someone on just liquids so looks like inpatient is the only option. I just want to run I can't take the body shame I want to tear myself to pieces. Any suggestions on how to deal with being at a higher admission weight than others would be great? Sorry to post.xx
Jess. A while back it was mentioned how sometimes fat can be a feeling, but that feeling of being fat doesn't make you physically fat. Do you remember that? I know it's been mentioned quite a bit, about you struggling with your perception of self, but you are not fat.
I hope you hear back soon. Do you think there is any way, even with support, you would be able to ween yourself back onto solids without going inpatient, now that that threat is hanging over you? I know there are certain medical factors of suddenly restarting, and other complications, but a certain amount of your recovery is going to require you to chose to try to recover.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Hi Sophia I doubt it to be honest. I'm waiting to hear from step up as they are discussing my case in a meeting tomorrow. I just feel frantic with fear but I need to get back to uni. I can't bear my size the urges to tear myself apart are building. I will be glad to be away this weekend! X
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