DBT - I am freaking out!!!!

[L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N]

thank you for your reply, it was really helpful, i hope the DBT works for you :) stay strong, you will make it. *hugs* L.G.O x

[lozza]

thanks guys

how am I today? well ummmm I saw F on monday and it actually went quite well. she listened, didnt judge.... she got to see the person I am today:) and she even put in an intake form for me to possibly see someone next year after I finish DBT.

yesterday I saw L and it went horribly. I couldnt even look her in the eye let alone talk. she kept asking me qst after qst and I could not answer. she kept telling me to look at her but i couldnt. I made her cry cuz I wasnt fighting to talk and she knew I was not ok or safe. but I couldnt tell her what was going on i couldnt get the words out.

saw T that afternoon and it was hard but I was honest and we breifly spoke about another hospital admission. the thought still scares me a lot but I know that if I want to stay alive then i need to go in cuz if i keep going how i am right now i will end up killing myself, its just a matter of time. the only thing keeping me safe right now is knowing that T is seeing me and wont let me sway her into believing when i lie and tell her i am safe and 'nothing' will happen.

today I was again feeling really sick.
i was so mad and angry last night and i actually screamed at my phone and told the worker on that i really wanted to kill my mum. she is just being so frustrating right now and it is making me even more suicidal and making me want to act on those urges so much more. but i am trying to stay safe and i am trying to put things into place so i dont do anything. last night i even txted a friend late last night but she was already asleep. i then made a promise to myself that if i was still awake by a certain time then i would call khl.
.....lucky for me i wore myself down and fell asleep exhausted.

tomorrow when i see T i am also giving her some extra meds to look after. i even msgd her after getting home telling her exactly what i need to give her so i cant lie and not give her them all.

i think when G starts work he is gona do some work on my car with him. i hope he does anyway cuz i know it will greatly help me get through the rest of the day and get me through till tomorrow when i see T.

I also gota go home and get some stuff and then clean my cage at some point. lol it is funny.... a week on and now all the workers at home know about my new baby girl chels:p

anyway i think am gonna try go home now and yeh.... see how i go today:s

[dontwantyoutoknow]

I'm so glad that you're giving someone your meds.

Love you sweetie x

[Revival]

Really glad you are going to give T your meds, I know that it's really hard for you and I'm proud of you for doing it. Love you heaps sweetheart, be kind to yourself *cuddles tight*

[crazykat]

Glad your giving T your meds, you are doing so well fighting this. Am proud of you xxx

[lozza]

only giving her the meds I am no longer on but yeh...

dissociated early this morning and just feeling so numb and empty and low and was feeling this way yesterday too. just over life:(

[Revival]

how did you go sweetheart? Tried calling you a couple of times, really hope that you are ok, love you xoxo

[dontwantyoutoknow]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[crazykat]

*Cuddles* Thinking of you

[lozza]

sorry been a bit distant these last few days. and I dont know what I am doing anymore to be honest.

but things are changing inside... I can feel it and it scares me. I only hope that T doesnt ask to see my diary card tomorrow cuz if she does I am screwed. I want to tell her. but ella says no so what am I to do??

I am fine :D

[Revival]

I know you're not fine sweetheart, and I know that inside you know that too. Please fight ella, she wants nothing but to destroy you, and tempting as I know that seems, it's not what's right for you, or what you deserve.
Please show T your diary card tomorrow, they are there to help you and you need to accept that help if you're ever going to move through this, which I know you will because you are beautiful and strong and courageous. Love you so much, keep holding in there angel, and thankyou for replying to my text today I was really worried. *giant hugs*

[lozza]

sorry but I dont know if i can... things are changing in like the plan.

I was telling people everything, how unsafe I was feeling and the plans that I really needed to act on to leave this place. but N doesnt wana hear it anymore... I am stupid and pathetic and she doesnt wana hear it so why should anyone else?

i will tell them how great I am doing. I wont talk about the plans anymore but rather how much better 'things' are these days

it doesnt matter anymore. it does not fucking matter

sorry everyone xx

[lozza]

not much... just that everytime we seem to talk its not counselling but rather just focusing on getting me through the nights/days.

but thats a problem in itself cuz I dont want to do 'counselling' with her... thats what B is for. I fucking trust B!!!! N is just the 2nd counsellor I can touch base with when things arent going great and B isnt on the phones....
arrghhhhh

its just so much easier if I keep to myself and tell people nothing!!!
I will tell my boys and chels, they wont judge or hurt me. other people though... I dont know. I dont know if I can make it till when B is back on the phones. thinking I should just send her something in the mail. I dont know what else to do:s

[lozza]

how am I going today? I really dont know to be honest. I am fine? just fine?

too scared to write right now. dont want anyone to worry with how dark things are at the moment.
so I am fine... just fine:D

[lozza]

am fine. it doesnt matter. love you xx

[Crayon,]

That's bullshit that you're fine and you know it hun. We care about you, we want to know what's going on. We want to help and so does everyone else but we can't if you keep going "I'm fine"
I'm sorry love, but as I said to you earlier you're like a sister to me now and I worry so much.

[lozza]

thanks teags, it really means a lot

and I am sorry to everyone. I am trying, I am reaching out for help where I can but this has all been on going for far to long and I have just had enough of everything. As I write this i am even waiting for CAT team to call me but who am I kidding... its been over 7hrs and still no call!!

I dont know what else to try anymore and I am sick and tired of hearing those words "just keep hanging on, keep holding on... there is hope out there and things will get better." when though? when will things get better? when will I be free from all this crap??

I have been in therapy for over 6 years. I have been so many different AD's, different doasages, different combinations with other meds. I have had hospital admissions. I have moved out of home. Even got a new job and got into uni. I have my own adorable pets. I started DBT and have completed the 1st module.

and I know I know... I will never get anywhere if I dont change and actively want recovery. and one day long a go... I did, I did want to get better, I did want to be happy and free. but now... but now I feel broken down, torn, hurt. I feel so fucking exhausted and see no way out.

am I frustrated at life right now? hell yes!!!
but thats ok, I'm ok with that cuz I cant keep fighting and sticking around.

there is only 1 thing stopping me right now from acting on my suicidal plans. T. I think I actually trust her and that hurts so bloody much. I am scared that if I keep going down this path then she will give up on me and pass me on... she will have to cuz everyone before has... EVERYONE.
and thats when ella will win her battle.

she is winning enough as it is right now and i cant even fight her. I just wana sleep and never wake up. I see no way out. I dont want to be here anymore.

[lozza]

I dont know... I dont know I dont know

never made it to group on tuesday. psych assessment is next thursday. i see my pdoc for the first time in over a month on monday. chels is finally pregnant... we are pretty sure munchkin is the dad.

fuck. i am talking about this stuff like its just that.... 'stuff'

no emotion. no happiness. no sadness. numb and no emotion.
well it does make it so much easier to act when your feeling this way.

i am not here. i am no where. not here no more.
who is here... dont know. ella maybe? someone else? but does it even matter??

cant do it.

[Revival]

how are you doing sweetheart? Worried about you, please let us know what's happening? Love you

[crazykat]

Hope your okay sweetheart? Keep talking to us, we care about you so much xxx