And how would i get there?
I'm agoraphobic. I can't just hop on public transport and its miles from me. I can't ask my parents because it's unnecessary worry on their part and we aren't even close anyway.
Now i'm more mellow (with an upset stomach to boot - joy of meds) i will explain what's happened today.
{} close to going this morning. Infact, i was right near the front door about to put my shoes on when i burst into tears and went back to bed - fully clothed. I'd taken too much Temazepam and couldn't move. Slept until 12.30pm.
Message on house phone: Dr.Dell'erba's secretary making an appt for today at 11.30am. Missed it. Couldn't have made it anyway because of anxiety.
Kept trying to get hold of Gemma all day. Got angry. Sent her a not so nice text. She phoned an hour later. We spoke for about 25 minutes, me crying, but not knowing what to do except i refused the crisis team.
To get through until Wednesday (when her & Dr.Dell'erba are coming at 1.30pm) i am to text her when im awake tomorrow to check she's in then phone her.
Through the night - i have my local doctors numbers - pretty similar to A&E.
Last resort is to call 999. Told her i wouldn't do that because..well..no. I'd be wasting vital resources.
Hard. Hard. Hard. Hard. I feel like death. I REFUSE to unpack. It is staying like it is.
Have you thought about speaking to the A&E team, there usually pretty helpful. I know you said you cant get out, but if you ring your local A&E they can put you through to the MH team who you can speak to on the phone. They can then if they think it enesscary send out a doctor to assess you where you can be asked to be sectioned or go in voluntary. #I have done this before an i had all the rules of a section regardless of it being voluntary.
Hi Laura, I know you don't know me, but I've just read the whole thread and am so relieved that you're still here! I just wanted you to know that I'm here if you want to chat about anything. I hope you manage to speak to Gemma and see them both on Wednesday. Please be okay, thinking of you much.
Kel xxx
Thankyou Kel - and everyone, really, for your ongoing support. It must be so frustrating to advise me and me unable to take it. I just need a place to talk, and i'd rather have feedback than make a thread in R&V.
Bitter_Angel - That would basically mean being referred to the Crisis Team, they'd send a doctor out to assess my mental health - i don't want the crisis team because of problems i had with them last year - they make me worse anxiety wise.
--
It's 1.55am. I'm tired but can't sleep, but i did sleep from about 9pm - 12am. I guess it's something. I just feel like i want to ask for some sort of tranquiliser to knock me out, so i can curl up and keep safe for the next 40 or so hours.
I feel really alone. No one knows what to say to me, and i don't know what to say to myself. I'm having identity issues - who am i? What do i like? What don't i like? - i've always been so hell bent on impressing others i lost myself in the process.
Why is this so hard? Living shouldn't be hard, breathing shouldn't be hard. But i'm finding it incredibly difficult.
Laura, I've just read all that I've missed and I'm in tears.
You are a wonderful person, and the fact that you're still here shows you are also one of the strongest people I know. You are a beautiful young woman, and I wish you could feel better, but I know it doesn't work like that.
I really, really hope that you can get some help soon, because you deserve to feel better and you deserve to feel happy. I'm around if you want to talk about anything, and please just try and keep yourself safe?
Spoke to Gemma today about being sectioned. I told her i wouldn't go into hospital voluntarily because they don't keep you safe, they leave you to your own devices and i don't want that. I'd rather be dragged in kicking and screaming no matter how distressing so i know i can be kept an eye on because i'm not safe enough to go in voluntarily.
We're also going to discuss meds as my Aripiprazole is still giving me bad side effects & they aren't working, i've been on them 4 weeks now, i'd have expected to feel something. And if i am changing meds i'm not safe enough mentally/emotionally to go through the med changing process on my own.
They're both coming at 1.30pm and i'm to discuss it with them then. In the meantime i'm meant to be keeping myself but i don't know how. I was OK last night as i was up and down and slept on and off and read the rest of the time. But tonight i feel really restless and agitated, and a certain thread on here is triggering the f*ck out of me which isn't helping but i can't help but reply anyway - i'm stupid like that.
I'm just a bit worried about how to keep safe tonight. Distractions is all well and done but my concentration span is zero, i'll do something for 5 minutes then have to do something else :/
Laura, I've been reading this thread since you posted but just haven't known what to say, or even if it was my place to say anything at all...
I think you're a wonderful person. And I think you're incredibly strong. It might feel like a weakness to you, but even after all of this shit you're giong through, you're still here. Even though you don't want to be. And whether that's lack of opportunity, or whatever, you are here. And that means something.
Discussing and changing meds might be good for you, it sounds like the pros have never started outweighing the cons. There are still options here for you. And as long as there are options there is still light at the end of that tunnel. It's not going to be easy, unfortunately life isn't easy. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it better, or to try and give you some faith, even though things must seem so bleak.
Please try to stay safe hun, or as much so as possibly.
Wake me up before I change again
Remind me the story that I won't get insane
Tell me why it's always the same
Explain me the reason why I'm so much in pain.
Sorry guys. Sorry to dissapoint and just..yes. Sorry for everything.
But i'm not going to go into hospital. Gemma & Dr.Dell'erba will be lucky if i answer the door.
Picking prescription up today. Just going ahead with my original plans. I'm NOT going back into hospital. What a stupid idea that was.
Thankyou anyway, for everything, i will always appreciate your love and support - it's meant so much to me, really it has.
xx
Oh Laura, I really wish this wasn't happening. I really wish there was something I can do to make this shit go away I really hope you can hang on, but I know it's really hard for you *cuddles lots and lots* You know where I am. Am always, always here for you x
I really hope you can hang on, but I know it's really hard for you 