Life, please... no more - Page 11

wildly insane · 25-04-2009, 08:31 AM

*hugs*

Kahlia1981 · 25-04-2009, 08:40 AM

Was supposed to have a friend come and visit me today but she stood me up. Like everything else in my life .... going wrong.

Pomegranate · 25-04-2009, 01:40 PM

hey Kahlia, long time no speak but still reading your posts. It must be reallyh hard for you to have two of your closest friends move but you can get through this. I'm sorry things are rough *offers lots of hugs* x

Kahlia1981 · 26-04-2009, 10:32 AM

Thanks Emma & Hannah for the hugs . *hugs back*

My parents and I went flat-hunting today. We saw one I would kill for ... and it's a two bedroom so I could ask someone to move in with me. It is in a complex with a pool, gym, tennis court and squash court and has two places in there. One for quite a bit more than the other. But we are hoping to get a look at both so we can make a fair comparison.

Now I feel all bleh again. I've been doing okay today although I felt like killing my parents .... but that's why people move away from their parents. I love them but they are way too much to deal with for too long.

I have my CT scan tomorrow to see if there is any bruising on my brain. In one way I hope there is but in another I hope there isn't.

wildly insane · 26-04-2009, 10:45 AM

I hope the CT scan goes ok, the flat sounds great, I would love to move, but I can't, in fact I may have to move back in with my parents and I actually feel exactly the same way as you do about parents.

Concentrate on the fact that you did feel okay for some of the day which is good :) take care, hugs :)

Kahlia1981 · 28-04-2009, 09:22 AM

Thanks Hannah.

The CT scan went okay. Although I did have to take my anxiety pill before having it. I won't get the results until Friday so then we shall see. I still have muscle weakness on my facial muscles and according to the ladies this morning my right side is worse.

Still looking at flats ... fingers crossed for Thursday that the one I really want my parents to buy works out.

Kahlia1981 · 01-05-2009, 10:34 AM

No obvious permanent brain issues on the CT scan. So it was just a little bleed. Could have killed me but was just a little bleed. My brother is really pissed off at the ED doctors. He is going to talk to the guy who does the audits for them to see what they should have done because what could have shown up earlier would then have been able to have been treated instead of now playing the waiting game. You do NOT piss off an ICU nurse.

Kahlia1981 · 03-05-2009, 08:03 AM

The fear I may be pregnant is abating a little as I got my "monthly" bleed ... but it's extremely late so I'll still take a home pregnancy test to make sure. And my weight has gone up again which pisses me off a bit but I'll get over that too ... a lot of that is just Ana getting pissy. Have decided that I'm going to return to uni but I don't know when yet. I want to finish the study I'm doing at the moment, and then I can get one subject as RPL and get it waived which will be brilliant. That means no more flat-hunting with my parents but two bus trips to get to my docs a week, or a taxi there and two bus trips home. Either or .... not really what I'd like. I was tempted to suggest to my parents that they could buy me a car but I don't think they'd appreciate the suggestion. It would make things so much easier though. But meh.

Kahlia1981 · 04-05-2009, 10:03 AM

Mood just plummeted ... I don't even want to be out of bed now. And I was doing so well before. Now I just feel like crap. Maybe I shouldn't fight anymore and should just let myself do what I really want to do.

wildly insane · 04-05-2009, 11:12 AM

Of course you should keep fighting, you said you had been doing better so think of that. I'm so pleased that you have decided to go back to uni, I really hope it works out for you. Look after yourself, don't let it win, hugs.

Kahlia1981 · 08-05-2009, 04:56 AM

I just spent the last 2.5 days in hospital. Thankfully as a voluntary patient but went up there under an EEO. I think I would have been staying in there whether I wanted to or not so I guess it was okay that I didn't mind the stay. Now I just have to pull myself together and get some new accommodation. Lots of fun.

Kahlia1981 · 13-05-2009, 12:32 PM

De profundis again. Into and out of the depths though. I just can't get into one emotion and stay there. My friend who I love is also having a hard time and I'm trying to be a support but not get too involved. I have saved his life once and would do it over and over again if it meant that I could spend every day with him but he isn't ready for that yet. And he doesn't want to kill himself ... not with his rational mind anyway. But it's always that irrational part of us that makes us do the stupid stuff.

I'm at a dangerous point myself. I've decided that the reason I zone is when I get anxious so I'm trying to counter the anxiety but I don't really know how. And now I can't sleep again. Lots of fun and games. Makes me tired, but I'm sorry for complaining so much. I just wish there was an easy answer to everything.

I love this guy so much that I would give up anything to be with him, but he says it's not the right time because he is so unstable. So does that mean that if we had a relationship we'd break up every time one or other of us became unstable ?? I don't know. So I'll stick with what I know. I love him.

*General.FIASCO* · 15-05-2009, 12:21 PM

Brilliant news :)
REally you deserve it, go in fighting ;)
You are doing so well so far hon, dont give up :):)
I envy your courage!

*hugs!!!*
xxxxxxxxxx

Kahlia1981 · 01-07-2009, 07:15 AM

Well I've made 10 months - 310 days SI free and have ordered my 1 year bracelet. I broke my wrist about 6 weeks ago and the plaster is annoying. Then there was the issue surrounding my shoulder. I have had surgery so am typing with one hand. I'm getting faster but it's a royal pain in the ... shoulder. My medication for the voices hasn't been helping at all so I decided to renew my old thread and try and keep in touch with reality.

I wish I wasn't in love with a relationship phobe - even though he has admitted that he loves me. But I love him so much I'm prepared to wait until he is comfortable because I believe a relationship should be based on mutual love and trust, and I can understand his not wanting to get hurt again.

I am going back to uni to do a double degree Business and IT. I'm quite looking forward to it to be perfectly honest.

I had to order a new battery for my laptop so hopefully it'll last longer.

Anyway *hugs* to anyone who reads this. I'll try and update it more regularly.

wildly insane · 01-07-2009, 09:14 AM

*hugs Kahlia* sorry to hear your meds aren't working properly. At least you know he loves you, that must be some consolation, I always fall for the guys that don't :P wow business and IT, that's great, good luck with everything and I hope those voices don't get too difficult to handle.

Kahlia1981 · 14-07-2009, 12:50 AM

Well I had a whole heap of stuff written here and then lost it and can't remember what I'd written.

My mood has been good recently up until I got a letter from the police fining me for the car accident I had when I had a seizure. They claim that I was not in control of the vehicle and should therefore pay them $233. I spoke to legal aid and they agree that since the reason for the crash was medical and therefore out of my control I should contest the fine in court. They have given me advice on what I need to do to make this happen. I'm a little scared but my father thinks that even if I am found guilty they will not increase the fine due to the fact that I lost the car, broke my wrist in an accident afterwards that was caused by the balance issues that the seizure me with. The seizure also left me with slurred speech for quite some time afterwards. Unfortunately the hospital did not do any tests to see if anything had gone wrong with my brain during the accident and basically pushed the issue away. The doctor asked my mother if I normally had slurred speech and balance issues but did nothing to find out what the cause of this was. My GP at the time did a CAT scan when she saw me next but that was days after the injury.

At the moment my mood is at an all-time low and there isn't really a reason for it. Or at least not one I could pin down. I have recently changed GPs to a doctor who actually listens and involves me in my own treatments. I still have to contact my last GP to get her to write an affidavit stating that in her belief it was a medical issue that caused the crash and not me just being stupid. I don't know how to go about this yet but I'll get there. Right at the moment the voices are bad and I am taking more than I should of the olanzapine to keep them under control. I see my doctor again on Thursday and I will be raising this issue with him. I'm just not feeling well at the moment, mentally I mean, and I don't quite know what to do about it. I am almost 330 days self injury free, just a week to go to reach that mark, and I really don't want to break that streak but I'm scared I'm going to.

Well I still have my cast on, only now it is glow-in-the-dark which is pretty cool and a little scary because it literally does glow-in-the-dark. Next Monday I might get my cast off for good. In one way I will miss it but I'll also be glad to get rid of it. It all depends on what the x-ray shows. Getting the x-rays might be fun as my shoulder is out of commission from the surgery. I think it's going to be a painful experience getting the x-rays done so will save up an endone specially for that. Endone is like a sister to morphine so it is a fairly strong painkiller. I am getting low on the number I have so I'm trying to use paracetamol and ibuprofen as much as is possible.

As you can tell the surgery went ahead and from a surgeon's point of view went well. I woke up in a different sling to the one that I was expecting to wake up in so I'm guessing they did a different operation than the one they had originally planned. Every day I gain a little more movement in my shoulder but it is countered by the weight of the cast which is heavily pulling. I cannot do any tasks that require me to lift my arm which means I have problems showering and dressing myself.

I have had a team of nurses from the hospital coming out every second day to shower me. It has been quite an experience, but one I would rather not have had to have. These nurses have referred me to blue care who will continue to shower me three times a week. Naturally there is a cost for blue care to come out, but I assuming that it is not too much and my parents have agreed to pay the costs as it is a service that I need for the moment. The nurses and I are both paranoid about getting water down my cast. I just hope that it isn't long until I can shower myself again.

On a sad note, we had to put my dog down - actually I prefer the term put to sleep - because she had had a seizure of some description. She could no longer stand and was refusing to put it any weight through one of her front paws. I was there when she went to sleep for the last time and spent her last day of this earth with her. I thought I'd dealt with her death are just talking about it is bringing back tears.

Since I am now crying I will go. Thanks to anybody who reads this. I don't write a lot or very often any more but I will try and keep writing more regularly.

Kahlia1981 · 14-07-2009, 12:06 PM

There's something I need to get off my chest but I'll hide it because there is a strong likelyhood of Sexual Abuse survivors getting triggered by it.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Strong sexual abuse trigger

I feel like crap right now. I sure could do with a safe place to be and some warm hugs right now.

Kahlia1981 · 14-07-2009, 12:14 PM

Oh how is this for ironic... I had to send my laptop to Victoria to get it fixed and a couple of days later the new battery arrived. I really miss my baby (the laptop). I've been without it for a week and it'll probably be another week before I get it back. And that's at the earliest. I'm hoping it arrives back soon as next week is O week for Study Period 2.

I've done up my uni timetable with the tutorials etc that I want to do but am unable to sign up for classes until at least next week. I just hope I get into the classes I want.

shadowedseraph · 14-07-2009, 02:35 PM

*hugs Kahlia* your being incredibly brave, i just wanted to let you know that im listening and am here for you

Kahlia1981 · 15-07-2009, 07:17 AM

I got absolutely no sleep last night. My brain kicked in to overdrive. I've spent most of the day to day in a slightly manic state and now I'm dropping fast. The lack of sleep is probably a large part of the reason for both the mania and drop. I tried to have a nap but couldn't get to sleep. I guess it will be an early night for me. I just hope that I'm able to get a good night's sleep. I see my GP tomorrow afternoon and will be asking for an increase of my olanzapine. Generally I am able to deal with the mood swings but it will be interesting to find out what my lithium levels are.
I miss my baby, my laptop that is, and I don't know when I'm getting it back which is a pain in the neck.

To anyone who reads this: thank you. And always remember:

When you are sad, I will dry your tears.
When you are scared, I will comfort your fears.
When you are worried, I will give you hope.
When you are confused, I will help you cope.
And when you are lost, and can't see the light.
I shall be your beacon shining ever so bright
This is my oath. I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask?
Because you are my friend. .