Not knowing

[tamobhuuta]

I watched some TV, prayed and now I'm listening to music. It'll be dinner soon and at 6.30 my mum said she'd visit. I'm not sure the prn is really helping but I've got a dose of diazepam at teatime so maybe that will help?

What am I talking about! Meds are bad!

[tamobhuuta]

I want to be safe at home, no implant, no Organisation, no Evil. Just M in her family doing normal things.

[tamobhuuta]

They wanted to weigh me AGAIN this morning. Apparently because it's the weekend. I point blank refused, it's not good for me.

[one_step_closer]

Your list of wants sound reasonable. Have you told your psych/someone that these are your goals? I hope you can get to a point where you feel that way or at least some of those things. Were they ok about not weighing you?

[tamobhuuta]

They were snitty but that's MH workers' ground state of being.

I've got ward rounds on Monday so I might try to bring them up them.

Since last ward rounds I've had no voices!

[long road]

Not having voices is a step in right direction. I imagine its more peaceful without voices. I know when I get them they make everything too noisy.

[tamobhuuta]

I asked a nurse for help with my therapy skill. I didn't want to because she has a stressed face, but she was the only one free. But she was helpful. She asked me how my sleeping was and I realised my sleep is better too since the voices went.

[long road]

Glad the nurse was helpful. Sleep being better is good too. Sleeping properly makes facing the day easier.

[tamobhuuta]

Not sure about that. I have to go back to bed after breakfast etc

[long road]

That's because hospital is forcing you to wake up earlier than you would prefer though I imagine.

[one_step_closer]

Sleep in hospital can be tough to achieve but I'm glad you're managing and are also getting peace from voices. Please do bring up anything that is important to you in ward round, it's your place to be heard. I'm glad you spoke to the nurse even though she looked stressed, I don't think I would have been brave enough! Keep doing your safe stuff.

[long road]

Good luck for ward rounds tomorrow.

I hope you manage to explain about how you want to be safe at home, no implant, no Organisation, no Evil. Just with your family doing normal things.

Do you think you will be able to mention about still wanting to try and cut the implant out?

I hope having your mum there helps

[tamobhuuta]

I had ward rounds. I'm going to come off diazepam over the next week. I told her how much I hate being weighed but she didn't understand at all. She said I had to be weighed every week, it's policy, and if I refuse it could effect my leave. She asked me if the olanzapine was helping and I said no but my mum said yes so I guess that's good?

[one_step_closer]

How are you feeling about all of that?

[tamobhuuta]

Coming off diazepam is good because I think that's pre being discharged. Luckily I will soon be discharged because this weighing thing is screwing with my eating.

[one_step_closer]

That does sound difficult. Do they know the trouble you're having with eating now because of being weighed? Surely they'd rather you were eating ok and not stressing than insisting on you being weighed.

[tamobhuuta]

I told them how much it was screwing with my brain, my mum told them how difficult I find it but they refused to budge. However, I'll be discharged soon so I'm just going to refuse.

[long road]

Sorry to hear the psych wouldn't listen on the weight side of things.

Do you think you are well enough to be discharged soon? Do you still think there is an implant or do you feel safe?

[tamobhuuta]

I think there is an implant but it's probably too deep to take out myself. This afternoon I imagined cutting my neck and I didn't want to do it.

I'm still waiting on the exorcist, R has left him a message asking if we can meet.

[tamobhuuta]

Psych has refused to give me leave with family before leave with staff, even though I explained I am safer with family.