Need a little help please Updated

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks Hun I feel I'm drowning in my fat. I hate my fat and dirty body. I'm scared I will be told I'm coping but im not inside im screaming. Too many words I don't know anymore. The shame is killing me.

[LittleCloud]

I hear you- it's strange that people often miss what's going on inside. You are doing so well lovely. I say this not to diminish or devalue your suffering but because you are doing well despite them. Have you talked to your ED nurse and therapist about this?

[Uglyducklin]

I managed to speak and show her my writing and she was like its nothing I hadn't said before. I don't know I saw the doctor and I'm now on some medication to help with fluid issues and then we may know what my true weight is. I should feel vindicated but I don't the shame is the same. I still know I'm monster and something not quite right. My eating disorders said I should be working and she is right but I still feel so utterly unable to cope and If I was it would only distract me and prevent me from doing the abuse and trauma. I don't know I know I don't deserve it but it would mean a lot if someone understood. I wish the food would stop its a relentless effort to please my mum . I'm sorry I don't know anymore.

[LittleCloud]

*hugs* holding you close in my thoughts Jessie. It's hard to even think about doing normal things with so much turmoil inside. Do you think you could try do a couple of hours to start to step back to life? Are you still doing the dog training?
I think you're so brave and you're right to prioritise the Abuse therapy- whatever others think it's up to you in what you feel able to do.
Here beside you in your journey

[Uglyducklin]

I can't thank you enough Alannah you are too kind. I'm just so anxious and exhausted. I don't know how to cope with food and my fat body I really don't. I feel so lazy. Sorry I don't have many words x

[Uglyducklin]

Ian so sad it hurts to breathe my selfishness astounds me. I can't bear to bethis fat. I want it gone I can't stand myself.

[Uglyducklin]

I can't take the fat and disgust. The anxiety and sadness is tearing me to pieces. I feel so unsafe in my own skin. How do I cope? Im sorry I shouldn't say this because I'm fat and my weight is ok . I'm sorry.

[LittleCloud]

*hugs* Jessie. It's valid to say that you feel so uncomfortable. Do you keep a journal to let the feelings and thoughts out?
Do you see any of your care team this week?
Sending love <3

[Uglyducklin]

I can't I need the weight off but I can't make it stop. It's my birthday tomorrow I don't want to be in my fat body. I'm seeing my eating disorders nurse on Thursday and I'm scared to say how im feeling. It's my birthday tomorrow I feel full of disgust and loss. Sorry I'm rambling.

[frail_izzi]

I understand how you feel, but please tell your nurse <3 you need and deserve help x

[Uglyducklin]

I'm scared it hurts. Im fat and so afraid . I can't be in this fat body. I need to punish myself for being fat and hideous . I am trapped. I need to apologise I didn't mean to get it wrong I need the fat gone.

[LittleCloud]

*holding you in my thoughts Jessie). I understand so deeply <3

[Uglyducklin]

I don't deserve your support thank you. I feel like I'm swelling with fat and poison. I don't have the words for this. Inside I'm screaming I speak words but not the right ones. I'm scared I'm a monster and that my abusers violence lives on in me. That my body will always be fat . I can't do this but I love my mum and she says she will cut me off but I need to be thin to feel human. I'm sorry I don't know.

[Shadow time]

I'm 34 so a similar age and can't quite believe where I am, that I'm ill or that there's anything wrong.. reach out to people who care about you and hang on. X