My head feels so heavy and i cant think for myself
I know i have to push forwards to get out of this depressive state, but when youre depressed you dont have the want or the will power
I feel this is it, this is my job lot..this is my life from now on
i am so lonely. i have pushed away my friends
I cant drive as i dont have the concentration so go nowhere
Ive lost my independance, i feel ive lost somuch
im sorry, i feel like im intruding posting here, but i just wanted to remind you that no matter what has been lost, it can be regained. there is always hope. it may not seem like it now but there really is hope.
i know how hard it is to be where u are, and im sorry you are struggling, but atleast struggling means u are still fighting. keep it up hun, don't let it sweep u away
No, it wasnt anything you said, I promise. I just cant take anymore right now. I am so depressed and shut off in my own world. So anxious to the point of being unable to eat and sleep well...and then im there trying to be the mum/wife that they all want at home and it isnt working very well.
The more I look into things the worse i become because it makes me realise that i cant give them what they want unless i dont go with them and i cant see any other option at the moment.
As for therapy...we really cant afford for me to go anymore, or not at this moment, we've made commitments elsewhere with our money and it just wont stretch to that right now...
woken up in a foul mood with a head that doesnt belong to me, if that makes sense...see doc tomorrow but i dont think he can do anything. Im already on anxiety meds and i dont think he will increase them just for this. He was going to put me on ads this week but i havent really made any effort to do stuff...like washing, or getting my hair done or even going out....fail
Rowie your family need you more than they need this holiday or the activities that come with it.
What does your family want that you can't give with regards to the holiday? I understand your issues regarding swimming but could they not swim with their father while you relax by the pool? Or you could sit at the side and dip your toes in and splash them and play. You could wear one of those caftan top things or light cotton top over your bathing costume? Or just go all out and get in there fully clothed!
I'm sure this isn't your only concern but its the one i remember you mentioning.
Its £80 a session now and I really cant justify that on me...im sure this will pass and ill be ok without needing therapy...im just being an idiot.
Thing is, Ive spent 7 years hiding my illness, my scars from my family..noone has seen them, not even my husband. My children are old enough to know that if i dont go swimming or wear a costume...that something is up. A kaftan wont hide the scars on my leg. If I sit by the pool fully clothed, or wear long shorts or long sleeves they will know, theyre not daft.
I see my options as either not going (which i have done before) or telling them the truth which goes against everything i believe in
I have so much going on right now, my head is not in a good place and im adding to the scars because of it all. I know it may not seem much to be going through and maybe i am weak but i know that as time goes on the anxiety is going to get worse and i cant live with that....
I really want my family to have the holiday they want and what right have i got to spoil that?
I say you go. Heck yeah it is scary everyone finding out your secret...but its not a secret Rowie. They do know. He has seen them. You need to dip your toes in the water and FEEL something besides those tools. You need to FEEL the water. You need to FEEL the sun. Dress lightly. A little vitamin D is a dose the Dr is ordering. Studies show getting 15 min of sunlight can calm you emotions, put anxiety at bay, and help YOU FEEL refreshed!
I remeber a smiling Rowie in a not so far off picture. You were playing in the snow. If something so cold can make you smile, just think of what that great big ball up in the sky can do for ya?
Stop thinking about all the negative things that COULD go wrong...They WILL go wrong only if you set it that way!!!
Go, have fun, smile, live a little....YOU ARE A SURVIVOR>>>YOU DESERVE LIFE!
Rainy
and about the money for counselling....there is always a way...if you are willing to go there!
anddd.....what would you really do if you were to stay home....nothing...thats right...nothing (nothing good I am sure if history repeats itself)...so pack your bags baby!
*muah*
I cant think about this anymore. I spent most of yesterday online trying to find somewhere that would suit us all and failed. Noone else seems to be that bothered...in that they arent trying to find somewhere so sod it!!
Ive got too much going on in my head, the only way i can think of dealing with it and my inadequacies is to take it out on myself. My harming is becoming worse again and i just cant cope.
Everything bad thats going on in my life eats away at me unitl it become insurmountable
I need to see my doctor I was due to see him today, but theyve cancelled..so now the appointment isnt for another week. I dont think i can last that long.
Could you rearrange the appointment? I am a bit behind so I apologise hun because I am sure you have said....what is it in your life, aside from the holiday that feels insurmountable? Maybe we could help you find some solutions. I agree with what everyone else said. Dasher makes good sense as does Rainy but I also know it hard to accept the truth sometimes, and easier to live in denial, even resort to harming to almost prove that the truth isn't the truth (I don't think that made sense, sorry....hopefully you can figure out what I mean). It just feels reading your posts like you have gotten so stuck in the lifestyle and way that you are that you don't know how to change it or what to do to jolt you out of it. Is there anything you could think of? And don't just say 'no' on reflex response :P Something has to change Rowie, you know it as well. I'm worried about you hun x
**** it, cant do a damned thing right
useless, a failure
just too much in my head
cant manage it, cant manage a simple decision
so need to get rid of this anger
my head is full of crap and cant take anymore
so so stupid, so angry with myself
incapable
seriously my head needs to shut up
its not voices or sounds, but its just there the whole time
heavy and draining and sometimes fast
im just an oaf
ignore me
Have you managed to do any of the things your Doctor asked of you before he would reconsider putting you back on the AD's? I know it is hard hun but just try and do one of them. You can manage that, I know you can x
I'm not a fan of 'Vanilla' people either. Much prefer the mint choc chip/chocolate fudge variety. I think if you can accept that you are not Vanilla....even if you do not like the way you are then you can start to change it. Add some sauce/sprinkles etc.
Wow....I just realised what a truely awful metaphor that is. Sorry! In future I shall just stick with 'what Rach said' or something similar :P
