Treatment-wise nothing. I was referred out of area to a specialist psychotherapy service as list was quicker etc. They refused me as being too unsafe and then the last few months, nothing.
Now got a new care co-ordinator who has suggested things but she has to run them past my temporary consultant next week at my appt (my consultant has been off since march and now resigned). I hope to finally have something in place after that.
I am on edge, prob in part b/c at work tomorrow afternoon but also b/c my head is buzzing - loads in there but I don't know what it is. Need to cut tonight. Have been trying to keep severity down but feel like I am not cutting badly enough to help.
Sorry, I keep waffling and ranting on here. Not great at providing much in the way of support.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
keep venting its all good :).
i understand the need to cut but becareful. the significance of the wound doesnt determine anything. remember that.
maybe rather than cutting badly its about cutting shallowly to keep the action and trying to find something more constructive to help you ? Just an idea
- -
Feelings are creeping up on me. i cant see what they are yet but i can feel them creeping forward in my mind. its horrible because i know they arent good.
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
-
Emily Bronte
Ugh, I've been bad. My CPN has been going on an on at me for gambling, when I had my appt last week I was sitting £500 up, tonight im sitting about £400 less, I just can't (wont) stop myself, and my wages go in inthe morning, and **** knows, I really dont...
I can see myself ending up in hosp this week, if keeep going the way I am. I can't control my impulses at all, I'm really stuck, help...
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
have you tried help outside your cmht re your gambling? I have a good friend of my family that has used the legislation re exclusion so she can't go into certain betting shops for a particular time. You can also get yourself banned from online sites. you tried GA?
Why would you end up in hospital hun? Is there anything else that can help?
Carrie
xxx
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I started gmbling about 2/3 years ago, mostly sports such as football/tennis and 80% of the time, online. I have gone through the pros/cns ad stuff with my cpn and whenever I seem to lost heavily I have ended up taking an overdose, as a jerk reaction or cutting badly...
Last OD was late last yeat and since then I have been blocking out the impulses and stuff, thenI had a freak win and with all the tennis n sport, I can't say no at the moment.
My CPN said to me the other day that If I was happy gambling then fine, because for months have been talking about either putting gamblock on m pc and going to gamblers anonymous, but y'kno I just keep making excuses...
All my friends and family think I have stopped gambling, I though I had too. I do blame the BPD for making me s god impulsive, tonight I've already cut and took some pills, not enough but I am waiting on one last bet to come through, and if I crash with it, then I'll probly crash too....
I am just out of control and my friends would be so mad if they knew I was doing this, I can't tak the risk in telling them.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
I hope you don't mind me doing this but I knid of equate your gambling to my drinking.
I don't want it to be considered a "problem" as I don't want to have to do without it forever.
It has occurred to me that it is a problem and that I should go to AA as you should to GA but I keep putting it off. How can I young, professional female with so much ahead of her have a gambling or alcohol problem?
I reckon my alcohol binging is part of bpd and hope I can get out the otherside and drink sensibly when bpd more under control but I am not sure.
Some of my family think my alcohol is under control but it isn't as I suspect neither is your gambling.
It doesn't matter how mad your friends are, what matters is your life. Do you want help? Tell your cpn that it is still a cpn and maybe you could jsut go along to a GA meeting just to see what it is like. Maybe you aren't ready for it but you could see what it is like.
*hugs*
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Thanks yeah, I am working at 7but sitting up now worried because of the money I have just lost ugh ahhhhhhhh, im so stupid, why can't I stop now?
I drink too, I see nothing wrong with have say a bottle of wine one night during the week, my cpn thinks I have issues ther too, but it is one thing first, truth it with bpd...the impulses just mean I have an addictive personality, and it sucks.
I know I really need to get help, atm tho the cutting and pills are all I can consider, im so messed up.
I think yeh, I dont have a problem, tey cant force me to a meeting, can they?
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Can you perhaps write down a letter to your cpn? You don't have to give it to her but it might help you get things a little more straight in your head as to what needs addressing first, etc.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Ugh I am working at 7 and I know Im going to need to go and get checked out at some point tomorrow, don't seem to wanna sleep either
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
hey. when angry if you can get a piece of paper and fold it continuously up and un do it and repeat.
or go out on a walk - depends if this is sensible or not-
they are the two things i found the most usefull - well the two healthy things-
if you want to rant you know you can
x
A tyrant spell has bound me And I cannot, cannot go
-
Emily Bronte
thanks folks :) i'm good today. got practically no sleep last night though, for one reason or another. still, on the bright side, should hopefully mean i sleep tonight. going for walks is great, Left in the centre.
I'm meant to be on a programme for people with BPD, they said I would be in December. But no one's contacted me. I have a bad feeling I was being assessed for it at the day hospital, which I only went to twice and then discharged myself.
What have you done hun that needs yo to be checked out?
Sorry yeah, I cut last night pretty badly, I just sem to be on a downward spiral at the moment. I have been so good until the last month, I went to casualty last night but it was a nighmare, its a press circus because someone died from swine flu, so went had to wait a bit, got stitched, i went to work, wish i hadn't bothered, had no sleep and now im just home....ugh, sorry its my own fault
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
