Frozen - *Comforting hugs*. Have you and your boyfriend sorted things out now?
WhenWillItEnd - Welcome to the thread! I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. No one should ever have to go through that. Are you getting any therapy and support? Have you found any ways to help you to stay grounded in reality? Eg. Focusing in on the characteristics of an object, touching things, doing some exercise etc. You don't sound crazy at all. Dissociation is a survival mechanism and is a natural response to terrible circumstances. It is not craziness at all. I really understand what you mean about not knowing who you are etc and having real difficulty accessing that information. I am dissociated to some level all the time and most of the time I am completely out of it. I've got used to it too but it is pretty disruptive as it is difficult to have relationships and friendships and I am unable to work or even leave the house without supervision. I hope that you are having a better day today, and feel free to PM me any time you want to talk about things.
Olive - It sounds like Mercy is in an awful lot of pain and is trying to express her emotional pain by hurting the body and the other more vulnerable alters. Is there any way that you could allow her to express what she is going through in a safer way? She obviously needs to have an outlet for these feelings but is not finding a safe outlet at the moment.
Facet - *Gentle hugs*. I'm sorry that things are so stressful for you right now. I am glad that you are doing a lot of journaling to help everyone to express what they are feeling about the family session. I don't really have anything to offer except for keep doing what you are doing, and make sure you do things that will relax you, so that you do not feel overwhelmed by the stress and anticipation. It might be a good idea to plan something for after the family session, so that you are not as vulnerable and at risk. I hope you have a good weekend and I will be thinking of you on Monday.
I have had an ok day today but I'm exhausted now. I had to go out the house a couple of times and it made me very afraid. I can't speak to anyone except my family and my partner at the moment and I get very panicky. The Paranoia is really bad and I feel like I can barely breathe. I hope the psych sorts me out soon on meds.
i guess it's sorted. he's being nice now. i really don't know. i'm again just forgetting about it. it really messed me up yesterday and the day before. i know i should talk to someone about all the stuff going on. but the few people i say a little to don't seem to get it. sorry i'm not being very helpful right now.
I don't know where she is from. She's really really young, she was forced to live here. She shows me like videos in my head of abuse- I don't think it ever happened. I don't understand.
I don't know how to deal with her, she only really cares about revenge.
System A
Sophie Mandi Max Gwen Mercy Erin AVA Tracey Bridget My Isaac
Frozen - I'm glad that things are better now between you and him. If you would ever like to talk about how things are between you two then feel free to have a rant and PM me. It's hard sometimes talking about things in a relationship. I always struggle with this, because I have a very deep sense of loyalty and so I never want to admit if there is a problem. Hope you're ok hun.
Ink - How are you feeling today?
Olive - Sorry to hear that she is so destructive. Could you maybe get her to draw some pictures to get those images out of her/ your head? Perhaps she needs to be allowed to express the things that are troubling her.
Katie - Don't worry, I know you've had a lot on your plate recently. I hope you're doing ok.
Emma - Sorry to hear that the Voices have been bad. I hope that they quieten down soon, and in the mean time I hope that you are finding effective ways to block them out and distract.
Gwen - Welcome to the thread! I hope that you are feeling ok.
**
I had quite a good day today. I had a sh*tty morning, the Voices were being really loud and nasty and my routine was disrupted which made me very upset and irritable. But in the afternoon I did some shopping and my boyfriend came round which was really nice, and I managed to stay a little closer to reality than usual. Voices getting louder now and I feel very irritable probably because I have barely eaten for quite a while. Hope everyone is ok x
feeling anxious about a test for a job next week...and afraid I may not get it ( I will be depressed for days if I don't get it and it s*&%$), but about feeling disconnected it didn't happened this week despite all the anxiety, luckily
I write this alone on my bed; I've poisoned every room in the house; The place is quiet and so alone; Pretend there's something worth waiting for; There's nothing nice in my head The adult world took it all away; Wake up with same spit in my mouth; Cannot tell if it is real or not; I try and walk in a straight line An imitation of dignity- MSP - From despair to Where
I am human and I need to be loved just like everybody else does - The Smiths How Soon is Now
Atomics - *Gentle hugs* I hope that things are better for you today. Try to keep yourself occupied and look after yourself hun.
Hope - *Hugs* Won't write more on here as I just sent you a PM lol.
I'm not doing very well today. I went to church but was hallucinating really bad and the Voices are really creepy and I was feeling panicky and paranoid and anxious and couldn't breathe and my mum had to take me home half way through the service.
I've been cut off from reality for so long that I think I've forgotten how to relate to other people. My reactions and responses and expressions usually are met with surprise and curiosity and I'm aware that it's not quite right or what's expected. Earlier my mum seemed really exasperated so I must have been being pretty awkward because she is very patient with me, but I have no idea what I did wrong...
*hugs* banana do you think you could ask her to explain to you what makes her react that way? I also hate it when people get irritated with me but won't tell me what i'm doing wrong. And i think it's ok that you don't act necessarily as you're "supposed to". society is too stringent when it comes to social cues.
yeah there are a lot of things wrong with the relationship but yeah i'm like that too with the loyalty. i might take you up on your invitation to pm you sometime if you don't mind. :) it can all get very confusing.
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
I am currently:
I don't know what I have... I can't face being close to people anymore because I keep getting hurt by people I love... I'm even distancing myself from my parents because I just can't cope.
I'm really depressed, and sometimes my mood will go as high as a kite and I'll be really happy.
I know I'm not just depressed because I have really bad anxiety, hallucinations and delusions and paranoia.
I don't feel like anything is real anymore, I don't feel like this world is real and that it wouldn't matter if I left it or not.
I have conflicting thoughts about everything: self harming, eating, trying to die, just everything, I don't know what to do anymore...
Olive - well done for talking to the therapist. I hope you're ok dear.
Frozen - thanks for the PM Yeah I agree with you, society's norms are pretty strict and it's hard when you are on the outside of them. I just can't seem to get it right at the moment, no matter how hard I try and how well I think I'm doing... Until I suddenly realise the reaction I'm getting to my behaviour/ speech.
KitKat - I don't really want to comment too much, as it is not for me to be commenting on diagnoses. If you would like to talk more about what you are experiencing, please feel free to PM me. Do you have a therapist or psychiatrist?
**
Good day today. I have been awarded DLA. My psych rang me and I convinced him of the two meds I want to go on. I'm feeling good about my choices and will pick them up tomorrow. Absolutely petrified of the very slim chance of gaining weight though... And then went to see my new psychotherapist, and I really like her. She really knows her stuff and I'm feeling positive about therapy with her. I celebrated my productive day by over exercising, taking laxatives, throwing up, cooking, and lying on the floor spaced out. Sigh.
I have a session with our T in a little while, then studio arts at 1.
I'm feeling pretty all over the place...
I mentioned to T that I'd been having flashbacks, and she asked what about, as you'd expect, and I told her, but I'm feeling like I don't want to talk about them, don't want to think about them. I don't feel strong enough.
Like those bouts of intense despair, all consuming... I know that was someone inside, T thinks it was either an emotional flashback or what someone inside was feeling at that time. I feel like I can't deal with that stuff in therapy, it's too much and i feel that i can't let parts out either. Cause then we'll just fall apart completely. If i couldn't deal with those bouts of agony for a few minutes, how am i supposed to work with that stuff? For that matter, how is whoever is feeling it supposed to even sit with it?
Plus I'm working so hard at school that T says I've 'gone over the top of the arousal curve' meaning I'm basically working too hard and my level of arousal is interfering with my productivity... Could it suck more? I'm not doing well because I'm over working...! Which is so painfully true.
We're at school, trying to retain a measure of stability... and by ignoring this stuff, I feel like I'm re-traumatising the parts that are hurting so badly. Yet I can't bring myself to face up to it. I feel like by working with this stuff, even letting it be felt or looking at it, It'll put us at risk, I know what has happened in the past when this really painful stuff comes out and we get out of control...
Big rant, sorry...
Plus woman trouble, not so much trouble but complexities....
It's a very difficult place to be, when things are so painful that it is too hard to examine them and deal with them, but so painful that not examining them and dealing with them enforces the pain. You're doing incredibly well and being so strong to keep going and I admire you for that. It's hard to keep a balance between your mental health and school work at this time of year. Hopefully you have a holiday soon for Easter and you will be able to take a step back from it all and have a break. In the mean time, perhaps you need to just acknowledge the pain that you/ others are feelings and reassure them that you will work with those issues, just not yet. It's important that the others realise that you are not trying to ignore what they are going through, just that you are not ready to deal with it yet. Hopefully they will understand. After all, they came into being to protect you from things that you weren't ready to deal with. In the mean time, please take care, and I hope that things get better for you emotionally, mentally, and romantically.
Near constant migraine
Dissociated most of the time
I don't want to even come back
I made a new account here on ryl, too many people knew me before, I don't want to give details about us.
Things are so hard, drama inside with new alters, really not fun
Would Eiko turn that music down? ¬.¬
Thanks banana, for your understanding and kind words :)
Will respond properly later.
Feel like I'm breaking down. Jumping from little to no sleep; 0-2 hours, and switching without warning nor communication. to being so worn out and worn down that last night i slept 9 hours, or so I think.
In a way (trying to be positive) this is good I guess, because it's kind of forcing me to re-connect with everyone else, or at least allow for some time-sharing which will hopefully reduce the build up of tension and chaos inside.
I spoke to the VCE (year 12) coordinator at school today to set up special considerations for exams and that sort of thing, which is good, after near failing the last in class essay, not because i hadn't done the work, I had done SO much, but got went 'over the top of the arousal curve' according to T. So i was trying too hard... apparently.
Having no contact with the rest of the system has been troublesome in another was as i haven't been able to rely on their studying abilities..
But we have art therapy (like now), so hopefully that will help. and if it doesn't T can help me pull myself together afterward...
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Yeah I agree with you, society's norms are pretty strict and it's hard when you are on the outside of them. I just can't seem to get it right at the moment, no matter how hard I try and how well I think I'm doing... Until I suddenly realise the reaction I'm getting to my behaviour/ speech.
