Thank you so much for being supportive. It really means a lot to me. Things were going so well with my alters last week, but this week they are all angry with me and they don't want to co-operate. Which is really not good. I'm terrified I'll get worse and end up in hospital again, which is stupid because the fear of that adds to my stress which makes things worse... I just hate it all at the moment. I've been in limbo too long and I'm struggling to maintain things at a manageable level. I feel like I'm never going to get better, I'll just get worse and worse and keep fragmenting more and more.
Sorry. I needed to have a moan. You don't have to respond to it :)
Ah well at least the purchase didn't go through. This week "I" dropped my phone down the toilet and then "I" bought a new phone on eBay. None of which I knew about until I saw my phone in the water and later found an email in my account confirming the transaction!! I'm just worried, because I know that if they don't have the time to come out they will come out at inconvenient times and do bad stuff. And they're all so angry and upset about therapy. I seem to be the only one who doesn't mind that much! For example, Holly is angry that I told her she could trust the therapist, and she's dying to do one of her great escapes, which would land me in hospital so I'm trying to hang on to my mind... The psych will be a month I reckon, he's not exactly eager to keep up to date with me to be honest. I wish my family would go away, I literally can't get a minute's peace and I am not feeling friendly today. Hope Ophelia behaves herself today xx
I also disassociate a lot. I sometimes can't remember speaking with someone when I am triggered with something of my past. I don't know what has caused me to do this. But I'm a total different person when I do this.
Geckopaws,
Hey :)
Dissociation is the disconnection of (any of the following, and/or:) thoughts, feelings, memory and self. When people are dissociated they can behave in very different ways, because they are dissociated from certain aspects of their selves.
It might help to record the times you dissociate after the instance, and write down what happened in the lead up, what you were feeling, thinking, what was happening around you. It help you work out why it happens. You say it's triggered by your past, so there is one big indication.
Atomics - hope you are doing ok today and that the boys aren't grumpy about the pink phone!
Labyrinth - that really sucks. Can you appeal against the decision?
GeckoPaws - LostBoys explained it pretty well so I won't repeat what he's said. It's a good idea to record when it happens to you. I did this for a while and it does help to give you a clearer idea of what is happening. Write down what happened before, how you felt before, if you remember anything during, and how you felt after. If you know certain things trigger you that's a big advantage. Hope you are getting support with this.
LostBoys - how are you doing at the moment? Did the bad system take over as you were worried about?
*
I feel like total sh*t today. Last night the voices and paranoia were absolutely awful. The Spies were listening to everything and so I couldn't speak. I didn't say a word all evening. I'm talking today but not a lot. I'm still scared. I'm not stable enough to do what I normally would so I'm staying at home. Which is good to keep me safe, but bad as the voices will no doubt get worse. And on top of it all I'm feeling really ill. I'm really susceptible to getting ill because of my eating disorder and the stress has probably made it worse. Talking of which, I've took a load of laxatives too so I'll feel even worse later. *Curls up in a ball in the corner*
Last edited by [Fog] : 19-02-2010 at 10:25 AM.
Reason: Adding
That's not good. Stay safe, make sure there's nothing around that anyone else could cause trouble with. You got much planned today to keep you busy?
Ah man I hope this doesn't all get worse. Generally when I get psychotic it just spirals out of control and I end up in hospital. I do not want to go in again, and I know the fear of going in is making the voices worse but it's hard not to worry... I just turned the radio on to try and drown Them out and now the words on the radio are changing and saying Die Kill T**t Liar
I don't think there are "bad" parts or systems. There are parts that have behaviours that are destructive or unhealthy, but it is always for a reason. Usually from holding really traumatic memories or intense emotions and having no other strategies at their disposal.
They didn't make an appearance, to our knowledge, though I've been feeling pretty horrid. All of a sudden, with no (conscious) trigger whatsoever I will be paralyzed by complete and utter anguish, despair and inconceivable hurt. But I can't cry, or scream, yell or express it at all. It is so incredibly powerful... And then it goes just as suddenly as it came...
Not sure what is going on there.
I'm pretty certain that it's someone inside trying to communicate their feelings, and I feel so terrible for ignoring it.....
I feel stuck in a position where I am really concerned about working with the parts, communicating with them, letting them talk with T... 'Cause we've got school and study and need to be on top of everything. We're moving forward and I'm afraid that if I let the parts (ntl2 parts) come out, and they are feeling these... debilitating emotions, how will we hold together? But I also know that if I keep them suppressed things will fall apart anyway. But letting go of the bit of control i have now is really scary, and i don't feel like i can do it.......
Sorry for the rant there is so much going on in our head..
Justice - I got through the day, the voices quietened down but had a horrible sense of foreboding so ended the day with a SH session... Managed to sleep more today but now got a killer headache... Boyfriend coming round today though yay Gonna take it easy and watch films etc as I can't really go out. Who are the new alters? I have heard of having more than one system, I suppose it's just more layers of protection. Personally I have one, although there is one alter who seems to be on a different level to the others, further down in my mind. Maybe one of the alters could explain it to you?
Atomics - Lol that's good, hope you have a calm day today.
LostBoys - I'm so sorry that things are so hard for you at the moment. I can relate to the debilitating emotions. Sometimes I just kind of get attacked by all these terrible feelings and I can't move or anything, it's unbearable. Maybe you could write down what happened before you feel like that and any possible triggers to see if there is a pattern? That's a difficult dilemma about working with your systems when you can't really allow for not being able to do much. Especially as you are not able to communicate with the NTL2 system... How long do you need to hold it together for? Maybe you could set some time aside each day, or maybe a day a week, for things to kind of fall apart and to let anyone out, but then draw the line and keep things going the rest of the time... I'm not sure if that would work for you - I'm not sure what to suggest but I really sympathise and I'm sending you lots of hugs.
Atomics,
The thing that is helpful to remember in relation to DID, is that there is no "normal". With DID there are no rules. The only limitations are the system's imagination. Our mind does whatever it can to protect us from the trauma we suffered. That might mean we have 2 alters, or 50 or 300.
It is generally said that DID is caused by long term, prolonged and severe abuse, so if you already have say 3 parts at the time and another abuse situation comes about, another alter might be created if the first three are unable to manage, etc etc.
Our understanding of layers or sub-systems within DID are that it keeps an even stronger amnesic barrier from the front person/host or host group. So presumably the heavier stuff would be further down. In my experience (with a couple of exceptions) layers and subsystems points to life-long severe abuse or RA.
Justice and Mercy,
Like i said above, DID is different for every system. The number of alters, their roles, the internal structure, the extent of amnesia etc. For some systems integration can take decades, and they may not ever be fully integrated. Others find that some parts merge (integration without the aim of integration, it sort of just "happens"). I can't answer your question definitively, but I would say anything is possible.
Labyrinth - It's weird when switching happens during sleep. Sometimes I wake up screaming and stuff it's really disconcerting. I'm sorry that the dreams sound so distressing. But I'm glad that they have found some time to come out, and that it's happening in a way that keeps you safe. Hope you're ok.
Atomics and Justice and Mercy - I agree with LostBoys. There is no normal for DID, because ultimately it is a defence mechanism. The more systems there are, the stronger the defence because there are more kind of barriers and layers. I can't really say much more than that, because everyone with DID is so different. I think the systems can merge or integrate. I guess it's the same principle as with one system - it just takes time and work, but anything is possible. I hope you are both ok.
LostBoys - hope you are doing today ok.
**
I had a brilliant day yesterday with my boyfriend. I was the happiest I've been since... Well, since the last time I saw him lol. Today I'm not doing so good, it's like I'm having to make up for having a nice day yesterday. Ah well. Hope everyone has a good day today.
Urgh, I hate that. It's so upsetting. Here's my tips... Put on loud music in earphones to drown it out. Read a book so you haven't got room in your head to think and hear. Go for a jog. Shout yourself out loud. Allow yourself ten minutes to listen to the shouting then draw a line. Do something to calm the kids down.
I don't know if that helps... Those things help me though when the Voices get really loud. I hope you're ok xx
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Gonna take it easy and watch films etc as I can't really go out. Who are the new alters? I have heard of having more than one system, I suppose it's just more layers of protection. Personally I have one, although there is one alter who seems to be on a different level to the others, further down in my mind. Maybe one of the alters could explain it to you?