hugs she only did it cus she cares chick i know its hard my bedst friend did it to me few weeks ago.and im sorry ur dad reacted the way he did. i beg u to hold on till 2morrow. big hugs
I've planned it all. It's all going to f*cking pot. Now my mother will be up all night as she slept during the day which means getting out of a 2 bedroomed small bungalow will be impossible without being noticed.
Now they KNOW something is wrong. And i just can't f*cking figure out how to get around it.
Everythings written out..the letter to them, my funeral plans, my bags packed, i've had a bath and hairwash ready and..oh no, i don't know what to do.
I could wait until they go to work at 5.15am. THEN go.
I'm sorry to bother you again. I'm in a bit of a state and not really with it.
I'm very suicidal - i've not been this bad in quite a long time, i've spent the day writing a letter out to my parents which is signed and sealed, i have written down all my funeral plans (right down to what songs i want). My bag is currently packed with alcohol, an insane amount of medication and i have drugs of the illegal sort.
I've showered, i've got my clothes layed out, and i'm so close to going. My parents know something is up which has left me at a loss of what to do because i can't leave the house unnoticed unless it's in the morning when they leave for work at 5.15am.
I know i will end up attempting to take my life, and i will take it this week, but i'm actually, for the first time, rather scared.
I'm not seeing Gemma until Wednesday and sometimes when i try to contact her she is out of the office or seeing someone, and when i'm in desperate need of speaking to her i find it incredibly hard when i've got no support. Dr.Newson is on holiday all week. I don't exactly know what i'm meant to do.
I don't even know why i'm sending this. I've been completely wrecked all weekend on drugs and alcohol in the hope to forget these intense emotions but they won't pass and are becoming unbearable.
I'd really appreciate it if we could meet as soon as you're available although i honestly don't think i will last more than another day at the most.
My parents don't know how unsafe i am and i don't wish to concern them right now. The crisis team is a no no as i have had lots of problems with them in the past and personally feel they make me worse.
I'm sorry for this being all over the place, please understand i'm in no right mind to re-read or think straight at the moment.
I'm just asking for help for the first time in my life because i'm stuck and scared.
im so glad you have written this cus then he will know how bad u r and things can be chaned to help you. have u sent it. can u get hold of gemma first thing in the morning and then she cud possibly see oyu or atleast phone you. so pleased ur putting up a fight i know your scared but u can do this. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I think you are being really brave asking for help Laura and this is not meant to sound patronising- but I am really proud of you. Please send that letter and try to hang on. Maybe your mum being around all night is a sign? Like a sign that you are supposed to keep living and things may get better?
Mum knows i feel bad but not to the extent of what i am - we aren't close enough for me to open up to her like that.
I'm struggling horrendously. I'm so exhausted but my mind is racing so fast i know i won't beable to sleep.
Everyone hates me from me putting them through hell. Fat ugly fu.cking loser that i am.
What will any of them do? Ask me to go into hospital which i won't do volunatarily, they will have to section me. If i go in as an inpatient you are left to your own devices and i need to be kept SAFE not fu.cking allowed to walk along main A roads smoking a cigarette.
His secretary tried to phone me on the house phone for an appointment at 11.30am - i took a load of Temazepam so i was knocked out and only just woke up so i've missed that appointment. I don't know if he wanted me to go there or he come here but in the state i'm in i can't get there anyway.
Can't get hold of Gemma, knew i wouldn't beable to.
Emailed him, just told him not to worry, that i was going tonight and theres nothing anyone can do to help me anymore.
Laura You are not wasting my time.
You have asked help and I want to give help.
At the end of the day this is my job!
I was hoping to see you today but I am looking forward to meet you on Wednesday in order to discuss together how can we deliver this help you want to receive.
Tomorrow I am not in office so I won't be able to pick up your emails and it would be a real disaster if you decide to act your plans because I would feel really really upset.
Also you agreed and promised that you would hold your plans for a month. I am not so sure this month has passed yet Laura.
I found your Friday letter quite useful to understand what's going on in you life and I would ask your permission to send the letter to Gemma and Amanda Sponge who is the lead for the complex cases in order to see how best we can help.
Looking forward to meet you on Wednesday and perhaps go through the letter.
Keep yourself safe Laura!
Dr Dell'Erba
It's ok. I'm only going to kill myself. Just tell her to wait until wednesday when it will THEN BE EXACTLY 1 MONTH.
Kiss my ass.
Well i obviously am wasting your time, Dr.Dell'erba when no one is at all concerned of me directly telling you i will be killing myself tonight.
"Oh it's OK - Laura will wait until Wednesday" - yes because it's that easy to do isn't it? Do you know how hard it was for me to not pick up my rucksack and leave the house in the early hours of this morning when my parents had gone to work? I don't think i've ever had to fight that hard in all my life. And i've now given up.
I don't even know what support (if any) that i want. I do stupid things in the spur of the moment, like sending you those emails. I shouldn't have done it.
I do not want my letter sent to Amanda Sponge - she is NOT part of my care plan even if it does say so on paper, she has only made my anxiety worse and refuses to listen to a word i say, you're more than welcome to send whatever to Gemma but as she is hardly ever around when needed i doubt she'll be exactly interested.
I know for a fact it's been a month this week. So what's the problem, give or take a few days?!?
I've tried asking for support that i don't even know what it is/or whether i really want it. The only way for me to ever get help is to be sectioned and that's not going to happen because i won't be here FOR that to happen.
Sorry if this comes across as slightly aggressive but its slightly disheartening that you're telling someone you're going to kill yourself, and simply being said to wait a few days.
Do you think you would be able to go to your local A and E and ask to be sectioned? Do you feel that being sectioned would help? I can completely understand the voluntary bit. xx
-“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.” Anais Nin-
Allie, Mutt, Great Grandma, Hope and Humbug. I love you and miss you all. xx
I didn't know they did section if you asked?
Doubt they would, they never have any beds at local one.
No one other than on here (i mean professional wise) tends to give a sh.it so i'm wasting my time.
There's 3 police cars outside, 6 police officers, and i'm sat here shaking like a leaf about to vomit from panic attacks worrying they're here for me. They aren't, obviously, as they're dealing with something just over the road - but even so..
I'm tired. I'm fed up. And yeh. Pretty much.
