Life, please... no more

[Kahlia1981]

It looks like my house-mate who has been in hospital is being transferred to some sort of "half-way" house for a week or so. In one way that's good, but in another ....

*sigh* I'm sorry for complaining so much. I just feel like crap. I ate earlier on today so that's probably helping me feel so much like crap. I just .... oh I don't know ... I'm over everything. I just want the old adage "stop the world I want to get off".

So much damn down ... at least there can't be much further to go ... right ??

[wildly insane]

*hugs* sorry nothing more right now, but I hope that things get better.

[Kahlia1981]

My house-mate spent last night in the half-way house. He'll be on strict rules about leaving and when he has to be back and so forth and we can't visit him ... but we can meet up with him for coffee which is good.

I feel like crap. And I'm freezing cold. I'm going over a friends place a bit later on today but don't really feel up to it. I'm hoping that some "time out" is just what I need. I may or may not be around much for the next little while. I'm just trying to take things one day at a time and keep pushing through.

Thanks Hannah for the hugs. Here are some for you in return. *hugs*

[Kahlia1981]

So damn tired and it's not even 9:30 pm. Oh well. A quick bathroom break and some meds and I think I'll try and get some sleep.

Oh, I almost forgot. I got to see a banana war today between 4 kids (primary school age and below). It was quite amusing. Then they started chucking water at each other. They got in trouble from their neighbours but meh, they are only kids damn it. Let kids be kids.

[Kahlia1981]

My house-mate in the half-way house thinks he might be able to come home tomorrow night ... I won't hold my breath, but I hope that he does.

My mood is so low .... it took four hours to put my washing on and I didn't shower until late this afternoon. Hanging out the washing and doing the dishes seemed to take a whole heap of energy out of me. Now I'm just blech ...

My surgery has been postponed. The bastards from the hospital rang my mother and told her. This is kind of a breach of confidentiality considering she isn't even listed as my next of kin at the hospital anymore, but I don't have the energy or motivation to be too concerned about it, just a little upset.

So over this whole life thing. I want it all to stop. Now.

[ravynsoul]

*sending you lots of hugs Kahlia* I don't have much to offer; but I want you to know I've been thinking of you and I hope things get better. Hopefully your housemate can come home tomorrow.

[Kahlia1981]

My house-mate is home .... which is both good and bad. I love him to pieces but he keeps trying to make me eat, and the part of me which is trapped doesn't want to accept the food. Maybe I'm just a bad person ...

[wildly insane]

*hugs* don't push him away, it's only because he cares about you and to be honest you do have to eat something, but you're not a bad person, you're just struggling and you need to look after yourself a bit. Sorry to hear about the hospital stuff, that would make me very pissed off. Take care of yourself, *hugs again*.

[Kahlia1981]

*thanks Hannah & Shell & anyone else who has read or replied*

I know logically that I need to eat, but the part of my head that is in control has other ideas and I don't quite know how to fight them.

I don't know what I want to do anymore. Just got to get through until 2:45 this afternoon to get my next injection. Blech.

[Kahlia1981]

I'm now on Epilim as well as the Xanax and the weekly injections at the higher dose. Hopefully this is all I will need to get me through. *crosses fingers* I could certainly do with some good news right now ....

The really nasty voice is getting nastier which is good in one way but bad in another. In one way it means that she knows her volume is going to get turned down so she won't be an issue for much longer .... on the other hand I have to try and stop myself from doing stupid things right now. *sigh*

But you got to be able to take the good with the bad right ?

[Kahlia1981]

My house-mate and I went for a bike ride yesterday morning and it nearly killed me. Because I've barely been eating I felt like I had absolutely no energy and there were lots of people at the other end and so forth. But I made it through that. I did crash out for most of the day though which probably wasn't all that good.

So, I made the decision that no matter how little I feel like it I need to start eating again - even if it's just once a day. Just a little bit to keep my body going. And I need to get back in control of the laxative abuse. Only one of my house-mates knows about the laxative abuse and she can't say a word about it because she does the same thing, although not to quite the same extremes.

Anyway, I'm starting to feel a little better and not quite so "bombed" tonight as I was last night - which could have a lot to do with the eating and the difference in exercise, but also with the getting used to the Epilim and how it affects my body. I don't think that this level will be enough to get me to where I need to be, but it's a start, and hopefully this will show in my bloods when I have to get them done.

Because I usually get my injections done on a Friday I have to go into the surgery and get my needle on Thursday this coming week and therefore need to get my bloods done the following Wednesday or so, so there is plenty of time before I see my GP on Friday for her to get the results. Hopefully the pharmacy will be able to get my injections in ... it's all paid for and signed for and so forth and they said that they would drop it off at my doctor's office (which is next door).

I ate today because I actually felt hungry as well. This is so rare lately that my head and stomach would agree on something like that. Recently my head has been telling my stomach that it feels ill whenever it starts thinking that it feels hungry. I haven't mentioned that sort of thing to my GP ... I've been hoping that it will sort itself out, and I think it will. I don't seem to have put on any weight, but I don't seem to have lost any just recently either - so I guess that's a good thing .... I'm not really sure.

Anyway, just trying to update with anything that's going on - Oh one more thing. I made contact with the oldest friend I have. I've known her since I was like 2.5 years old. I was terrified that something had happened to her because I haven't heard from her since I was going to go into hospital in November but she's doing okay. She's the mother of my "adopted" nephew and god-daughter. I really want to see her, but it will be hard to find the time soon.

Still going to TAFE (school/college) and hoping to get certified with my CCNA and so forth. My house-mate will get there first, but for him it isn't really a challenge whereas there are some areas over which I struggle.

I don't know if I wrote about it but the surgery has been postponed. I've got to go to a phonebox tomorrow and ring them to see about an alternative date and so forth ... it's all so very vexing. I have to take whatever date I can get offered because otherwise I go to the bottom of the list, but they just keep bouncing me. Oh well, I guess in one way it's good because I can try to lose more weight by the time that they do the pre-admission clinic again.

*sigh* Why is nothing in life ever easy ??

[wildly insane]

Hugs, well done on the eating, and the feeling hungry :) your message sounds more positive, and I hope that's true. Good luck with everything :)

[Kahlia1981]

Thanks Hannah. *hugs you*

I'm still doing okay. Just very, very tired. I'm going to get my hair dyed and then have blonde streaks/foils put in. Just to be very .... well me.

We brought the dog some treats today and he seems to like them. He's not even our dog but we look after him more than the landlady seems to. He likes attention.

I am soooo tired. I think I'm going to crash soon. I rode my bike down to the shops again today and back again and actually felt okay ... just kind of sticky and blech from the weather. It rained on both the way there and the way back. Yuck.

Anyway hope anyone reading this is doing okay.

[Kahlia1981]

I feel blucky. I had a car accident yesterday so am still recovering. At least I am okay enough to get places but I've temporarily at least lost my car. I've come online to find out what buses I need to catch from here to my doctors on Friday. Hopefully I'll manage it without too much difficulty.

But my surgery is going ahead. I'm waiting for a surgery date from the hospital. Hopefully it comes soon, but they have to put me in a "latex rested theatre" - a theatre where there has been no latex for at least 6 hours.

Anyway I need some rest.

[ravynsoul]

*hugs* Sorry to hear about your car accident! I hope that it's not to challenging to get to your doctors via bus.

Have a good rest.

[Kahlia1981]

Thanks Shell. I hope it all works out okay ...

[Kahlia1981]

I feel like crap still. Hopefully it will all start working out well ... but right now it just all feels like it's going downhill fast. My friend almost took me to the hospital on Wednesday because I looked so bad. I can't guarantee whether I'm going to pick up a blade or a cigarette - and I haven't cut in 8 months now. Aaggghhhh. *screams* I hope it all works out okay.

[Kahlia1981]

Oh and before I forget, the car has been written off. The insurance company decided it was worth $1500 so my parents should get just over $1000 back after the excess has been paid for making a claim. All should go well there, I just have no car .....

[wildly insane]

*hugs* 8 months is great hun, hope you keep going. It must be very frustrating without a car. Do you think your meds are working any better? I hope things get better for you and you manage to have a good weekend, hugs, Hannah

[Kahlia1981]

In some ways Hannah I want to keep going, but in others I don't. The lack of a car is extremely frustrating. As for the meds .... well we shall see. It feels weird replying to this at 2 am but anyway.