Not knowing

[tamobhuuta]

Very important. He is an exorcist so he knows what Evil looks like and wouldn't side with the Organisation.

[tamobhuuta]

I've got ward rounds this afternoon, I'm nervous, I don't know what to expect.

[tamobhuuta]

It was the proper psych today. Just her and a student nurse taking notes. She is going to increase my olanzapine then review leave in a few days. I don't know why but it really stressed me out.

[long road]

Maybe you were stressed out because it's still in the wait and see stage? Increase meds and see how that goes before thinking about leave means there isn't a plan for when you get home yet. And I always find uncertainty about things like when I get to go home from hospital very hard to handle.

[one_step_closer]

I think ward rounds are quite stressful because you don't really know what to expect and then have to take it all in afterwards. Are you ok with the plan?

[tamobhuuta]

I think I'm ok with it. I'm more interested in Fr R talking to the exorcist for me.

[one_step_closer]

How do both of those things fit together in your head?

[tamobhuuta]

They don't really, I have to put them in separate boxes and only look at one at a time. The staff can do what they want while I try and sort out the Evil.

[tamobhuuta]

The doctor has decided I have to be weighed every week because I'm on clozapine. I have been on clozapine at least 10 years and this has never been asked of me before. I faced away from the number when they did it today but I hate anyone knowing how much I weigh. I told a nurse and he asked for me, he said I've got to bring it up in my next ward rounds (probably Monday). I hate this, it's making me not want to eat.

[one_step_closer]

If you hadn't been weighed would you still be ok with eating? It doesn't really change anything but I can see it's playing on your mind.

[tamobhuuta]

I'd be ok-ish. I have my regular foods that are safe. But if others saw I'd gained weight, even a little bit, for some reason a number on a scale is even worse than a clothes size.

[one_step_closer]

What worries you about others knowing if you've gained weight?

[tamobhuuta]

I don't know, it's been like that since secondary school.

[tamobhuuta]

I've got an hour's leave with staff.

[Elmer]

How are you feeling about the leave?

I saw that you've got something possibly dangerous from the store room - I hope you are safe.

[tamobhuuta]

Mixed. I want leave to work towards discharge but also to leg it and buy proper blades.

I am safe. I tried using what I took but only managed scratches and red marks. But they're on my neck so I need them to fade quickly.

[one_step_closer]

I think you really need to be honest with the staff. It's the only way they can work with you to support you and do the right things for you.

[tamobhuuta]

I've lost what I took! I don't know what to do.

Edit
I told my mum what I did and that I'd lost the implement. She told staff and they did a room search, checked the store room and metal detectored me - couldn't find it. Turns out it was in my pillow case but it took a lot of finding! They weren't cross with me, just said to go to them if I need help.

[tamobhuuta]

I'm worried the Organisation put the implant so deep in that I can't safely take it out. I don't know what to do. I talked to my nurse and she was supportive in a vague sort of way and I had some PRN. She also gave me a copy of my care plan which I have edited. I can't make up my mind whether to ask to use my escorted leave. I only want to use it to run off and buy blades and my sensible brain is telling me I'm a terrible runner and I'll never get to the shops, buy blades and find a suitable bathroom before someone caught up with me.

[one_step_closer]

Please let your sensible brain take control. I bet your sensible brain could also say that it is all a bad idea if you were in a better state of mind. Can you do your usual safe things to let the PRN start working?