Need a little help please Updated

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks Alannah I can feel it closing in the fat. I need to tear myself to pieces so the fat is gone. I'm going back to where I was abused as it's my friends house I can still feel it and see it. I feel stripped bare. I want to go for the horses but I'm scared. The thoughts in my head are getting worse I'm scared to mention it but it's hard to not act on my thoughts x

[talaiporia]

I think, whatever you do physically, won't change the way you feel Jess, because the fat is a feeling, not a physical quality. That's not to diminish how distressed you're feeling, but causing yourself harm, in an attempt to remove this feeling won't change it - it will just make you poorly.

I think you should tell someone about your thoughts.

[LittleCloud]

I agree with Sophia. Can you trust your mum or your friend enough to mention how bad you feel?
I know it will be more than a fight but I think you are very brave to go back. Sending love- you're so strong <3

[Uglyducklin]

I can't do this I'm coming undone. I need tear the fat off. I've felt so ill and exhausted all week. My cousin was taken ill Wednesday so now her puppy is living with us adorable as she is it's turned everything upside down. I made a massive disclosure in trauma work and discussed an event in explicit detail as my therapist asked. I feel it's destroying me I can feel the fat and dirt violation . It's so sordid I'm not human I am a fat monster. I'm so desperate to disappear yet I'm doing all mum asks so as not to hurt her I'm scared I can't keep doing. Choking back the disgust and suppressing it. I don't know how to keep fighting the thoughts. I'm sorry .

[LittleCloud]

And you're doing so well!!. Low on words, but sending love <3

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks Alannah. There is so much going on as a relative been taken ill I can't explain but it's adding to it all. My mum is having hard time so I'm trying to support her but I feel fat and dirty and repulsive. I hate my body so passionately I need to destroy it before it destroys me. I'm scared I have to bargain and buy time and I don't know how long for :(

[LittleCloud]

*hugs* Jessie, what do you need to buy time for?
Sorry, I'm low on words but you're not alone

[clarey]

Hope ur doing ok and taking care of that wee puppy who needs to be looked after. If it helps my therapist tries to remind me that my puppy needs regular food and people are the same...doesn't always work for me but sometimes it does! take care x

[Uglyducklin]

Thank you both I'm low on words but I'm so fat and dirty and disgusting. I don't know how to cope . I just need it to stop but I'm so fat and disgusting I keep buying time but I just wish it was over.

[LittleCloud]

Sorry Jessie, I've no words but *hugs*

[Uglyducklin]

I just don't know. I hate my body. I feel I fail at every turn. I need the fat gone. I can't keep up the charade. Don't people get how hard it is to suppress the urge to starve and to live with my body as messed up as it is? I'm scared.

[LittleCloud]

*hugs* I get the strength it takes for you to eat Jessie. You are doing so well- please keep fighting

[Uglyducklin]

I don't know I need to tear myself to pieces I'm fat and dirty and selfish. My mum found the pills that I had moved because I felt vulnerable. She didn't understand I was trying to keep myself safe and not bother her. I'm so exhausted. I just feel so disgusting and hopeless. I can't find the words. I'm sorry.

[LittleCloud]

*hugs* Jessie- could you show her this message so she knows what you meant. So strong you could do that to keep safe- take care lovely <3

[Uglyducklin]

I'm so scared and disgusted. I can't stand my body like this too much fat.I'm exhausted from suppressing everything . I must bargain but it's hard I wish there was nothing left. I'm sorry I haven't offered much support .

[LittleCloud]

*hugs* Jessie- it's ok to just ask for support, you can't be there for others all the time. Does anything give you respite from the memories?

[Uglyducklin]

I hate this fat and this body I'm drowning. Something is wrong I broke my body and this shatters my mind. I need to disappear. Nobody can help I'm so ashamed and disgusted but I tried to reach out and nothing can be done because it's unethical I might spiral she said! I wish, I should not be this fat I don't know what did wrong she things my endocrinologist might know . She said she could see how much it hurts how I'm crumbling under the weight of my own fat . I don't deserve the company of others I am fat grotesque monster a hideous caracature of a human being. I'm not allowed to see the NHS dietician but I'm not allowed to as they don't feel it would help. I don't even know if i would be allowed to and I feel so ashamed about how messed up my fat body is I want ask if I could see the dietician at the hospital I was refed but I'm scared to ask and they would be angry and laugh as im so fat and I have ruined everything. I need to find the words for the trauma and I'm scared I will fail at that too. I'm sorry I'm making no sense.

[LittleCloud]

*hugs* Jessie- I know how hard this is to see but you're not broken, struggling but still so strong. It's good that your doctor understands- here for you <3

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks Alannah I don't know what to think. I keep suppressing the urge to hurt myself and starve but it's hard the disgust and fat is suffocating me. I feel evil and hideous and entirely too much. I am so fat and dirty I cannot imagine ever feeling thin. The shame and images are swallowing me whole. I wish I could just go under .

[LittleCloud]

*hugs* I hear you Jessie- can you reach out to your supports for help through?
Even if you show them what you've written here- you are not evil, hideous or dirty although I know myself how hard that is to believe