There not going to sit with me ,they're too busy and probably don't care. I ended up ligaturing last night anyway, I passes out but took it off later and went to bed. I'm very triggered.
I don't know. Reassurance that I'm not an awful person who deserves to die. I spoke to staff and I'm back on escorted leave which means I'm not allowed out by myself until Monday. I've agreed to stay and not push for discharge even though I'm sure I can't be detained. I'm as confused as ever as to what I want and need. Maybe it's best I just shut up and stay here. I've also had my stuff taken off me so I can't ligature and that makes me feel safer.
Why do you want to discharge yourself? I don't think discharging yourself sounds like a good idea at the moment given recent events and how you are feeling.
x
When life gets you down do you know what you've gotta do?
The bastards have sectioned me. I can't believe it. The consultant said that if I wanted to leave then I could! I barely said anything to the doctor, didn't say I had a plan or anything. What are they playing at? It's on my notes that I can leave!!
They obviously believed you were a risk and from your posts it does seem like that was the case. Perhaps your risk had increased from when the consultant had seen you. Duty doctors tend to be very cautious which is understandable.
x
When life gets you down do you know what you've gotta do?
If you try and leave 'after hours/weekend' then its not the consultant's neck on the line, its duty doctor. You know this. A duty doctor only has your notes to go by and recent event's were only going to suggest you are still at risk. Again, I am sure you know this.
These 'bastards' are trying to keep you safe. I think you need to look at your current/recent behavior for answers as to why this has happened. One day you might be grateful for them trying to step in and keep you safe.
Until then, try and talk to the staff and use the help available to you right now.
It was made clear in ward round that sectioning doesn't help me and often makes me worse therefore I have the right to discharge myself should I want to. The junior doc will have seen this in the notes. So no, I don't 'know' what's happened or why. Please stop being rude and patronising me.
'Need to ligature- sorry' *goes offline*
'Off to the multi-story'
=not cool.
If you behave in ways that naturally make a person concerned, complaining that they are worried or stepping in doesn't make much sense. I am presuming you want help because you are posting here. The indirect way you are asking for it is not fair. I might be rude, I might sound patronising, I might also be honest.
Explain clearly on Monday to the normal staff that you feel voluntary or discharge is the best thing for you. It just looks like they are trying to keep you safe and that is part of their duty of care. In honesty what would you want them to do? And, if they did what you want, how do you think that would benefit you, given how shit you are feeling?
Until Monday maybe do things that wont be disturbed by 15 min obs; read, watch films, do some writing or drawing. 15 min obs sucks but it might be made back to hourly if you sit in communal areas or with staff when your unsafe and thus need to.
Ok.
I see this place as an outlet, somewhere I can be honest about how I'm feeling and whats going on at the time. I'm always surprised when people respond and try to help, I never expect it. I'm grateful for the support, so grateful but I do ultimately think that everyone hates me and wants me dead. So when people are concerned I'm surprised. I honestly respect replies supporting my death. But I guess that's fucked up.
I think being suicidal is ffucking terrifying and I'm scared about what might happen. But I also feel so totally hopeless and exhausted and I want it to be over. I think I post for support because i assume people will understand the fear and ambilivance. Maybe not.
I do believe that my death would benefit everyone. Nobody would have to deal with me anymore. Wouldn't that be amazing?? I don't know what would have happened if I left this afternoon I might have tried again and succeeded or just gone home and not hurt myself. I think it's likely i would have done something else but with where my head is at that seems like a positive thing. I have no idea if I'm making any sense. My intention is not to worry people. It's just to be honest and let stuff out.
Nobody hates you as far as I know, I understand this is your outlet but please be careful how you post plans; 'I am having urges to do x' fine, 'I'm now off to do x' not okay.
I do understand feeling that everyone hates you and wants you gone; but this is an extrapolation of how you feel about yourself. Whilst it is difficult to see the evidence to support the idea that people care, can you use facts to understand the situation, rejecting all opinion and emotion. You were admitted to hospital. You are struggling a lot, you have reached out for help; someone/several people have acknowledged and replied. [I apologise for my reply being blunt and possibly condescending]. I do care about you, and have felt because of that, frustrated; that should be my crap, not yours.
I don't know if you meant respect or expect, but it makes sense given how strongly you feel about your existence. Could you hypothesize that if you felt better about yourself, that you may expect a different type of response?
What little things could you do that might help you feel accomplished, purposeful, positive; maybe replying to a post on here, reading a bit of a book, painting your nails, watching something funny on youtube.
A lot of people understand ambivalence, it just didn't come across as a description of ambivalence when I read the two posts my phases come from. I believe your intention wasn't to worry people, but please be aware that saying something in terms of I am going to.. and not saying anything else, will worry someone, hence why there are rules about suicide notes and explicit times.
Death via suicide has never benefitted anyone to my understanding, especially not as a result of illness and desperation. It sounds like you feel you're running out of perceived options, feeling exhausted isn't surprising; you have had so many chaotic things going on the last few days. I wonder if trying to discharge yourself and run off is you trying to run from your feelings and the pain? Could you try and express the feelings and the deeper problems/worries on here? Taking each concern one by one as if it were a list and just brainstorming for one idea to help manage the situation. PM me if you want.
Negative actions are rarely positive events, if that makes sense. I am glad you didn't get home today. You have made sense, thankyou for responding.
Thank you both for your replies. I'll try harder with how I word things in future. I'm on section 5.2 i think, just the holding section. Marie, my head is a bit mashed I'll try and get some sleep and reply properly later/tomorrow. Thank you for taking the time to reply. It's a bit stressful on the ward because there's a couple of people kicking off and threatening me etc. I never meant to cause any offense, sorry if I have x
I hope you are able to get a good nights sleep Katie.
When you feel a bit more with it, it might be worth having a think about what you will say in the mental health assessment. I honestly think staying voluntarily is the best option. It sounds like you had your own concerns as to whether you could keep yourself safe in the community if you were discharged.
x
When life gets you down do you know what you've gotta do?
