You have nothing to worry about, Jess. You know you haven't harassed anybody and that is all that matters. You need to get back to what is important right now lovely, concentrating on YOU and your own health.
This and what Katy said.
If you haven't harrassed anyone, you aren't in any danger.
Thanks guys I'm starting to feel calmer and realise I made a mistake and had the best of intentions although I still hate myself for it. That said I've cried a lot I feel ill and exhausted still and as a result have broken some of my eating disorder rules and I'm struggling not to hurt myself. I still feel pretty awful physically and so worthless I'm on a red alert list for my bloods but have still not been offered a psychiatrist appointment. I'm sure this is because I'm fat and worthless. Sorry just low and confused x
Jess, as harsh as it sounds, you shouldn't have to wait for a psychiatrist appointment to get better. Just because you haven't been offered one yet doesn't mean you're fat and worthless, it could be because they're incredibly busy or short-staffed or a whole host of other reasons. You know that you're on red alert for your bloods and you know that's not a good thing, so why not challenge that? Why not see that you've got to break those 'eating disorder rules' to stay alive? If you want to go back to university, you've got to see past this eating disorder and not use it as an excuse not to do anything. Okay so it's hard. Okay so it's an illness and it's not going to disappear just like that and without some support but that doesn't mean you shouldn't fight it. Your body is shouting at you, screaming at you to eat something and to nourish it and it has been incredibly resilient. Now it's breaking down and you know why, Jess. You are clever and you know the answers, it's just about finding it within you to use the knowledge that you have to be strong. It's possible to do that, I know it is. It just means doing something that scares you which is terrifying but totally worth the break.
Jess, I'm with Belle here. You keep saying you want to go back to uni and be alive, yet you seem so unwilling to help yourself. Sometimes you have to fight for yourself and the support you need.
Hi guys in a real state added X in for last three days and tonight had extra that was substantially more this evening. I'm now in a panic as I finally have the appointment with the psychiatrist for next week but feel too fat and ashamed because I have had more. I'm so frustrated with myself for not being brave. I'm scared to even go to the meet on Sunday in case I am judged for my size but I want to meet some of you who have supported me and who are amazing I hate the shallowness of this illness. I'm so full of guilt and shame. Sorry to waffle xx
Last edited by [Purple_Rain] : 07-03-2013 at 01:43 PM.
Reason: removed food list
Jess, why do you feel that you aren't brave for trying to introduce more into your diet? I think increasing your intake is a positive step in the right direction.
Hope the appointment with the psychiatrist goes well
Thanks Katy me too. I'm very nervous and feel fat and gross but I know I needed to have what I had tonight even if it feels an obscene amount and makes me want to tear the fat off. I can't do this I know I need to talk to the psychiatrist. Sorry to be a broken record xx
Hi. I just read back on the thread and you totally did the right thing in my opinion by contacting the unit your friend was going to or at when she texted you that. I don't see why her mum should've been cross at you for that! I hope that the psychiatrist appointment is helpful.
Hi thanks raspberry swirl just makes accepting help more awkward. I've had a rough weekend so far as had to have urgent brain scan as they suspected a bleed was clear thank god though. I'm really struggling with feeling brave enough to get past the fat and the shame and ask the psychiatrist for help x
Thank you raspberry swirl I need to tattoo that to my forehead! In such a state over it! I just feel fat worthless. Thanks for your support it means a lot xx
oh hun im sorry things have been so hard lately. Im glad the scan is clear, that must of been so scary *big hugs*. If you need to talk im just a text away x
Thanks so much both of you. Having a difficult morning was supposed to have bloods taken for cortisol and other hormones it needed to be done by 9 but they couldn't get any blood. While I was with the phlebotomist my phone rang and I told my mum to answer it in case it was important. It was the gp practice manager saying I never should have requested an urgent appointment with my gp as I had seen her the week before and she made it personal saying I'd managed whilst my gp was away but the eating disorder team were managing however now my gp is back I've found I want to discuss my options her before I see the psychiatrist tomorrow as my mental state has deteriorated I'm constantly anxious and my fears of loss are out of control I constantly ask my mum if she is ok and I'm so terrified I can't move forwards but I know I need to if there is any hope of returning to uni in September. She also said it wasn't an emergency. I already feel I'm too FAT and I don't deserve support. Some of the receptionists have been so rude I just feel awful and such a FAT waste of space. I'm sorry it doesn't seem like much but surely anyone shouldn't be made to feel a pariah. I'm sorry I'm not making sense.
Jess, wouldn't it be better to talk about your concerns with the psychiatrist tomorrow, or someone from the ED team, rather than the GP? I'm sorry you were made to feel like this. But if you are wanting to talk through your options and about your mental state, it would probably be better to speak to someone from your team.
Completely agree with Kismet. Often GP receptionists do not understand what is going on and they treat everyone the same.
BTW you are making perfect sense for someone who is very ill with a severe and enduring eating disorder. They don't refer to SEEDS unless you are very ill and you don't have to be unconscious in ITU to be very ill with an ED. They're trying to prevent that!
The very fact that you keep using the word 'FAT' and 'worthless' in the context of your referral indicates that you ARE ILL!
I can't cope I can't cope. The shame and fat is tearing me apart. I had a meeting with the psychiatrist yesterday and I just feel so fat and disgusting and now they are having me meet with the step up to recovery team. I don't hold out much hope as they supposedly don't do refeeds. I know I'm too fat for the ward and also my friend I had issues with is on the ward so I have to ask to go elsewhere. I just can't cope with the thoughts of fat and violation and violence as I had loads yesterday after a row with my mum. I look like I'm on steroids. I want rip the fat off. I'm meant to meet up with people tomorrow but I feel so ashamed I don't want them to see my fat and laugh. I just need it to stop. I hate myself so much. I'm so sorry xx
Hi Jess. I hope the new team hope. I don't know what stage you're at, but there are refeeding meal plans online, if you look for them (I was searching for them after I was really poorly with flu and had trouble keeping food down). If you had a meal plan, would it be possible to try to follow it, or not at all?
I am very sure that you don't look fat/like you're on steriods, even if you disagree. You know that anorexia can distort your perception of yourself. What would your mum say about you if you asked her?
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