Hopefully I'm not stepping on any toes by making this thread - just hope it would be a good idea from experiences I've had myself. Any more ideas for questions you've found, let me know and I'll add them!
Why Self Harming starts.
A lot of people think self harming is just something you do once, or something that some do to "fit in". In reality though, it's mostly a coping method of some other feelings or events going on in your life. A few people do self harm for a short amount of time and then stop, quite a few more find the habit addictive or see that it "works" and so the cycle continues. Some people think that self harming is a way of gaining attention, which is obviously very hurtful to someone who is experiencing it.
So if someone asked you: "Why would you do that to yourself?!" or "Why on earth would you start doing that?"
You could reply:
"It's something that I don't really understand either, but I started because *reasons*."
If they replied: "That's not a reason to make you do that!"
You could then reply: "Everyone gets affected by different things. Like a film that might scare you might not bother me - like how something that upsets me might not upset you and vice versa."
How do you stop?
You only have to look at the Moving Forward Forum to see all the success stories we have on here alone! Recovery really is possible - but it isn't about taking away something that at the moment helps you cope. It's dealing with what made it start, what's keeping it carrying on and how you can deal with those feelings in a safer way.
So if someone said to you: "That thing that made you start has gone now, so why can't you stop yet?"
You could reply: "That thing can/has made me feel really bad after and *harming* is addictive. I'm finding a way to replace that so I can stop doing it in the future.
And if someone says to you: "But I'm worried over you, promise me you will stop doing this!"
You could say back: "I won't be able to promise because it's not that easy - you have to know what it's like to really understand. But knowing that you'll be there to listen to me if I'm feeling down/stressed/like doing it would really help?"
Getting help.
It can be really difficult to try and get help for how you feel, especially if your parents/carers are opposed to it and want to keep it secret or don't want others knowing.
So if you get told: "You don't need to see a doctor, you just need to stop. It's not that hard."
You could reply: "I know that you want me to get better, and I know that you don't want people knowing because of what they will say. But doctors' see a lot of things like this and they won't tell anyone else. I know that you worry over me, and by getting this help I'll be able to get better so you won't have to worry."
And if they then say: "I'm your parent and I know what's best for you, you don't need help."
You could say back: "I know you want what's best for me and I'm not trying to take that over. If I gave you some information about it, would you read it over and then think about it? I won't hide anything from you."
Ways you can say it.
The way I found easiest to tell my family (and I've heard from others it works too) is to write a really long letter. The great thing about writing is that you can get how you feel out onto paper, helping you in the short term. Whilst you can have your say to the person with no interruptions or possible raised voices, so it works well in the long term too. Information articles from RYL and the approved links are also great to use - if you don't want them to know you use this website, you can copy and paste paragraphs into a Word document to print off and just say the page was too big to print in full!
Try and be as open as possible - so it's not always nescessarily immediate family members you'll tell. A more distant relative you know well, another family member or even a friend of the family might be easier to talk to. After they read the letter, they'll more than likely want to talk through it with you so prepare replies to any questions you think they may have. Remember that the person you tell will naturally be concerned because they care, so keep this in mind if at first it sounds like they don't understand. Very often, it can take quite a few chats for them to really [i]get[i]it but they do eventually!
A few links you might find handy in explaining to other people would be the "Why We SI" article that is very easy to understand and useful for anyone wanting to know the reasons why people self harm. Also, the article on Slip Ups will be handy for your parents or people who ask why you can't just suddenly stop. There's also information on Getting Help which I mentioned in the last part :)
Hope some of this helps you get ideas of how you can explain things to people around you! Stay safe,
Chelsea
Last edited by Sometimes Crazy : 30-07-2008 at 10:23 AM.
I just thought I'd add a few bits, hope no-one minds, your post is great by the way Chelsea :).
It is always best to get help with SI sooner rather than later; in fact, if possible you should get help before you start. This can be through talking to a doctor, close friend, counsellor (if you have one), parent, teacher (if you're at school/college) or someone else that you trust. The sooner you get help the easier it is to get out of it.
Personally, the first person I told about mine got told via text, not a way I'd advise. She's quite a bit older than me which I found helped, she knew I was having problems and I've spent a lot of time with her in the past so it may be that you just find a person who you think is the best for whatever situation. It was hard to tell her and since then, though we text about it, I have only been able to speak about it once to her. But I never regret telling her and she has been a great rock. She won't tell anyone and though I did get fed up with her telling me I needed help, looking back I can see it was definately the right thing and now she knows that I've seen people about it she just is there if I need her and isn't on my back about it even though she doesn't really understand why I do it! I'm a lot calmer to mention it now around her but I know the fear and panic I had the first time I told her and it was really hard as I don't trust her or anyone else but if I can do it, anyone can. If they don't want to be there to help you then it shows that maybe they aren't a very good friend anyway. A strong friend should be there through anything and that is what I've become to strongly believe over the last ten years (God that makes me sound really old!!!).
Also, if you don't feel strong enough to tell anyone your problems in real life then you can start threads on here or talk on chat. The majority of RYL users have been through similar experiences with regards to SH so they won't judge you and will try and help you as much as they can.
To explain it to someone it is probably best telling them how you feel about your situation first and then saying you cut and how it makes you feel, then they may understand a bit better. I'm rubbish at explaining my SH in a way I want people to know (as I like to keep a lot of things hidden) but I may post a good way of explaining it later.
You won't be the first person a doctor has seen who hurts themselves and you won't be the last so though telling them is daunting and may well be very nerve-wracking (it's something I have huge issues with so I can connect with that!) it can be the way to get you the help that you need to help you out of it because though SH may seem like a good thing to do it is essentially something that just makes it worse. It means that as well as all your problems you may then get addicted to SH which isn't nice and you've got scars and cuts to hide/ deal with/ explain.
I've found my local Crisis Team to be very helpful if you live in the UK. I've only seen them a couple of times and it was due to a doctor getting them out to me the first time but they did help me to look at things a different way and it may be a way to help you to feel better about yourself and eventually make the decision that you want to stop SH.
Just remember, it is always easier to stop SH for yourself rather than being rushed into it by others and eventually it is likely that you will want to stop. It isn't easy and you will slip-up but it definately is possible and you can get through if you want it.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
