A little push to get it out of my mind

JDenning · 05-08-2008, 06:46 PM

Well anyways yesterday while I was at work I started thinking about my attempt a little under two years ago, I thought about how I survivived, I thought about a lot of it, about how part of me had succeeded and about how part of me is glad I failed. On the one side if I had succcessfully killed myself, I wouldn't have made a difference in anybodies life, and nobody really would have noticed another high school suicide, I wouldn't have come here, I wouldn't have found the new friends that I now enjoyed, but all at the same time I wouldn't have my current problems that are causing the thoughts to return if only for a moment. On the other side of that coin though lie the other thoughts, I'm glad I failed I could finally reveal a new side of myself see through all the darkness that clouded my mind, become a better and stronger person, I never would have experienced all the things that have happened since and while it was both good and bad, I don't know what to think. Maybe if I could survive another attempt I would know that something is protecting me, but I can't stand to do it again. My mind is riddled with questions about all of it, I guess it might have just hit me as to what I could have done and what actually happened. Maybe I just need to let someone know that I'm thinking about these thinking about these things, I don't know, but I need to try to get it out so I can do something more with my life.

Signed
Just another lost soul

flippinterp · 06-08-2008, 04:33 PM

It's tough having a suicide attempt in your past. It's hard living with it, wondering "what if". Do you have someone you can talk these thoughts through with? Therapist? Friend? Family? People on here can be really supportive, but sometimes it's better to have face-to-face discussions, or at least over the phone with someone who knows you really well. All I can say is that it does get easier with time. The first year after was really tough for me, and I thought about my attempt a lot. Now, when I do think of it, its more of a passing "yeah, it happened" but I don't dwell on it. Trying again is NOT the answer.

Caru y Nos · 07-08-2008, 12:31 PM

Life is full of "what if"s and we could spend a life time thinking about the day we were born, what slight difference at birth could have re-written our whole character. Though, i personally like to think about "what can i do now?" and "how can i make the most of this situation?" as that's what helps me keep positive throughout the day.

Although, i have to disagree with what you say about been 'another high school suicide' as somebody always cares, there'll always be a space which is not filled, where you should be. Personally, i'm glad you found RYL as the threads you made have found me some new friends, people to talk to and to rely on; your joining this site was simply a stone dropping in the water, many of us have benefited by the ripples that has caused.

I would have to question whether you were protected or simply chancing with probability, you can't be sure whether it's either and to make the fatal mistake of attempting again when the odds would be stacked against you this time round.

I'm glad you're talking openly about how you're feeling, if you want someone to talk to in private then you can always PM me. I'm more than happy to listen and talk about things with you.

Take Care,
Josh