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Where I'm At, Why I'm Here. (potential trig?)
I gotta get off my chest before I even start to tell my story, that I feel so damn weird doing it. I'm only now starting to undo the denial I put myself into, and even still I feel like a big fake. Like I'm just being melodramatic or something. But the way I've been lately, I know I have a problem.
I took part in SI from when I was about 14 to when I was about 16 (I'm 18 now), but it was at it's peak in the summer I was 15. For the most part, I just scratched myself, though I also slightly experimented with other things. And here's where my illogical teen logic justification from at the time starts. Nobody knows, so I'm not doing it for attention, so it's okay. I never break skin, so I don't bleed or scar, so it's okay. It's not a daily habit, I only do it when I'm hysterically upset, so it's okay. Until I used glass and pins, I'd tell myself that I wasn't using something foreign to my body, so it was okay, then that was just forgotten when it was no longer convenient to my denial.
So initially when I stopped, over two years ago, it wasn't an active decision. I was just happy, I didn't need it anymore. Then one day, I realized that I in fact have a scar. It made me rethink what my life was when I did those things to myself. It made me realize (and this is solely a revelation about myself, and it's not something I'm going to say is the cause of other people's problems) that I probably did those things because I had no love for myself. Rather than defend myself to the people that made me feel small, I'd prefer to just take it out on myself.
At least two years, maybe two and a half (I don't remember my last date), I've been self-injury free. It's been an aspect of my life for about four years. I only told the first person I ever told a month ago.
I told myself I could deal by myself for all that time, that I was a faker, that if I reached out to someone I'd be seen as someone just looking for attention. But I've decided I can't be so independent on this anymore, I need to reach out to people who understand where I'm at, even if where I'm at isn't the norm of how these things happen.
Plus, I'm starting to get scared by how my body reacts, like it's trying to hurt itself since I won't. I get my feelings hurt, I get sad, I get angry, and I get these aches in my arms. They've gotten worse than when they first started like a year and a half ago, and they've started to happen more frequently. It's a strange sensation, like burning and stinging under my skin. It feels like if I could just stop being so stubborn and just hurt myself like I used to, it'd go away, like making a cut so venom can leave a wound. Last night I was fighting with my mom and the negative sensations and emotions got stacked so much that it felt like somebody cracked open my ribcage and the center of my chest ached so bad. It gets to the point where like, now I can take the emotional pain that was so overwhelming when I was younger, but now there's these uncontrollable physical aspects with it and I don't know how to deal with that.
Then there's the head games some addicted part of me is playing. I'm suddenly attracted to more serious self-injury, like actual cuts. Not majorly, but it never existed when I did partake in this stuff (in fact I can be a bit squeamish at times) and now BAMF it's there.
I'd like to think I'm pretty open to whatever anybody has to say on this. Comforting words, advice, anything. I'm just sick of feeling like I have to keep it to myself, and I want to talk about it with people who understand what it's like. Thank you all in advance.
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