Graphic / Triggering - SUICIDE : related to sexual abuse (please be careful guys)

bleeding_wrists18 · 07-07-2008, 01:17 AM

So this guy... Well I can still remember how it felt to feel him forcing inside me, beating me and leaving all those big black bruises behind him. The dirtiness just wrapped itself around me like a cloud of razorblades, cutting me till I bleed so much blood that it drowns me.

And oh the blood! It's the most fantastic feeling ever... It seems to cleanse away his fingermarks; his vruises; his semen...

I want to drown in blood - to finally come to a peaceful rest with blood all around, all over, all through me... Gosh I love blood. Cut me. Let me bleed him out of my body.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Oh my god guys - wat the fuck did i just write? I feel so ill, mentally. Sum1 help me...

I need to get thru this night. Im scared of leaving the pc incase i do sumthing...

Its like im not in control of myself anymore

The sane part of me wants to be like "wat the fuk r u doin" - u dnt want to die

N the insane part of me is like - blood and deth r the most beautiful things ever

But that part's not me

Who is it?

There's monsters in my room

In my head

Shit help

Monsters

Talk to me

There;s a monster behind me

If i turn round he'll kill me

I can feel his eyes burning into my back

Makin me write this mental shit

He's moving my head and hands

Shit help

mj
x x x

sweetheart-mellie@hotmail.co.uk

jessye · 07-07-2008, 01:22 AM

Hun,

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Have you sought help or reported it? You don't need to go through this alone. I really think you should talk to somebody. I think that in the short term it might help you to ring the samaritans on 08457 90 90 90.

x

bleeding_wrists18 · 07-07-2008, 01:23 AM

Did i trigger u babes?

im sry

PrincessVegeta_x · 07-07-2008, 01:28 AM

Hunni, please don't do anything.
When are you seeing your support worker next?
Tell her about this please.x

bleeding_wrists18 · 07-07-2008, 01:30 AM

MONSTER

Rabidpitbull · 07-07-2008, 01:31 AM

When we go through this stuff, we can come through the other side alive, it takes work but it can be done, you are not alone and I don't want to lose a friend I've just made. Sexual abuse can be healed, you won't feel dirty for ever I know cause I've been there to hunni and I'm working through it. Get yourself a counsellor and do the therapy to get you out of this mess alive

jessye · 07-07-2008, 02:12 AM

oh no you didn't trigger me. I was triggered anyways. You're not a monster. He is. Keep posting babes.
x

bleeding_wrists18 · 07-07-2008, 02:23 AM

im here. u said to keep posting so i am but dnt knw wat to say. actually, maybe i could post a poem on here...

My Big Fear

Abusive though you were,
You know,
That what you did was you.
No monsters hijacked your helpless body
And forced you onto me.
No, no
You did it all yourself.
You saw the signs of me and my
Vulnerability.
I see it like a curse
You know
To be so hurt and damaged.
I trusted you with fragile glass
That fragile glass was me.

Now you leave me to deal
With a lot more vicious scars.
The child you nearly left behind,
Still haunts my every dream.
The thought that I came
So very close
To parenthood with you:
That really scares me
Yes it does,
Because you would make a dreadful father
And I would fall apart,
(I would not handle that connection).

Dirtiness is all around me
Why won’t you let me go?
I hate myself
My body too
I feel your hand on mine.
I cannot rid myself of this
Melancholoy rhyme.
My soul is screaming
To my body
“Get me out of here!”.
You’ve made me feel like
Lashing out
And tearing off my skin.
I squirm and thrash
Around in my; dirty, filthy skin.

You had your fun
Now leave me be
To spend hours
With the soap.
I’ll scrub and scrub
Until I’m raw,
But you will still be there.
Go away
And leave me to
Live with the memories.
I have to learn to live inside
This dirty, gross machine.
I’m going mad
I cannot stand it
What did you do to me?

jessye · 07-07-2008, 02:36 AM

Thats a good start hun. Have you tried writing your own poetry to get the emotions out on paper instead of on your body? Its a more positive way of dealing with the emotions. Did this happen to you recently?
x

bleeding_wrists18 · 07-07-2008, 02:50 AM

that was my poem chick

bleeding_wrists18 · 07-07-2008, 02:52 AM

I just posted on ed forum - i think that issue is kinda related to this one. im confused
my heads all messy
im calm nw tho
totally different gal
i hate being 2 peopl
spazzy me n normal me lol

jessye · 07-07-2008, 03:09 AM

Its a really good poem hun.
x

CrazyHayley · 07-07-2008, 05:28 PM

Those are really good poems to help you get your feelings out and it'll help you make connections with people who are going through or have been through and survived the same things.
The spending hours with the soap, scrubbing at skin until your raw rings true with me, I'm still a clean freak but now its a force of habbit and a comfort to me rather than doing it for the intitial reason of washing off all traces of the c*** that violated me. You will get through this, don't worry about feeling like your 2people, I'm sure many of us go through that with our lows and highs, just hang in there and know that we are here to support you. xx