Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Struggling *mentions OD too*
Sorry to post, I always feel guilty taking up space on here when I know other people deserve help more than I do but I'm really struggling at the moment.
A week ago I could feel myself starting to slip again and before I got to the point of not caring about myself at all and being unsafe I told my dad I was feeling really bad. He made an appt with a psych at CAMHS who I saw for 2 hours and she decided that the best thing to do would be to put me on a small dose of rispiridone for a week to calm me down. I;m off it now and again I can tell I;m getting worse. I've got that feeling in my chest where it hurts just to breathe, like somethings pushing down on me all the time. I can't keep getting like this. How many times do I have to get worse before I get better? Each time it gets harder to carry on and the urges get stronger.
The psych asked if I was suicidal and when she asked me whatI thought dying would achieve I said "nothing, it just gets me out of feeling like this." It sounds pathetic but now I realise it;s not just that I don't want to feel like this anymore, I do want to die. Yeh part of me doesn't, that's why I'm posting but the part that does want to is getting bigger each time I get worse.
I feel so alone and I don't wanna ring any of my mates because I know they'll have better things to do than try and help me. I hate this so much. I'm scared and I know that's better than not caring about myself at the moment but it's so much easier when I don't mind what I do to myself.
Nothing feels real and I believe I can do what I want to myself and the only person who might care is me. If someone actually did care about me it wouldn't matter because if anything happened to me it wouldn't be real and the pain they wouldn't be either.
I just don't know anymore :(
I want to OD just to try and ease this pain for a while but I know it doesn't solve anything really but I can't care about that. I need to do something. If I OD it will stop the sui thoughts for a while but not long enough. Somethings better than nothing though, right?
Sorry. I rambled a lot too.
See I cannot feel this, not matter how you try and in the real world, there's no goodbyes.
i'm sorry you're having a tough time sweetie. battling with suicidal feelings is so hard but try and think of things that are worth hanging onto (like your friends, maybe?)
suicide ispermenant and if you're not sure you have to hold on.
could you explain to your counsellor that you feel alone? and i'm sure your friends would rather you tell them than deal with this on your own.
please don't feel like no-one cares. for a start, i care and i'm always here if u need to talk.
Don't apologize for asking for help. You need just as much help as anyone else here sweetie.
I agree with h122 - try thinking of good things in your life - I know this is hard when you're down so maybe make up a list when you're not feeling so suicidal, for use when you are? The fact that you're still here despite suicidal feelings shows you're incredibly strong even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Just remember suicide is permenant but suicidal feelings aren't. You can get better with help so don't be afraid to ask for it.
Have you told you psych about how you've been feeling? Maybe you could persuade him to give you a longer term prescription of rispiridone as that seems to help you.
Also I'm sure your friends would want to be supportive of you if you asked for help, think about if one of them was feeling like you are now - would you just ignore and abandon them? Of course not so what makes you think that they'll be too busy to help you? and your dad seems to be there for you seeing as he booked you an appointment with CAMHS. You're not alone okay? Everyone on here will be supportive of you honey and noone wants to see your suffering continue.
Don't be afraid of asking for help, my pm box is always open if you want a chat/rant ^.^
People do care, killing yourself is a permanent thing, and it would hurt those that care about you so much. Imagine how you would feel if one of your mates killed him/herself and you found out that s/he felt horrible but didn't want to ring you up bc s/he thought that you were too busy to care about him/her? You'd feel awful! The same goes for your mates when positions are reversed. They are your friends, they care about you. Reach out when you are feeling rubbishy.
Can you go back on risperidone? bc it sounds like it helps. Can you ask your psych about that? what did she say when you talked about suicide?
Things do get better. You've just got to hang in there and keep fighting until they do get easier. And they will. Eventually. I can't promise that things will ever be perfect, but you will become able to cope better and in healthier ways. *gentle hugs*
I'm here if you need to talk or anything. xx
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
When I'm in an alright mood I can let myself believe people care about me and if they say it they aren't just lying but when I'm like this I think everyone is just pitying me and only being nice because they feel they have to. Maybe logically it's not perfect but I am too scared to think they do care, what if they don''t? What if I let them down? What if they let me down?
I can feel myself starting to stop caring again and everytiome I get like this I end up back in hosp for an OD and as much as I don't wanna wind up back there I don't know if I can control myself. It's horrible knowing I can't even trust myself.
I did tell the psych (it was a diff one to usual), I was honest with her almost completely (which is so hard) but I dunno, the rispiridone helped but I know it's not a long term solution, I was always feeling out of it and if I started to go down it would be a lot quicker =/
I know it's permanent and that after I couldn't live again but I don't know, that seems appealing at the moment. I had a liver function test today and the nurse who did it commented on my arms which are quite bad at the moment which hasn't helped at all. I would of said something but seeing as there was a needle in my arm I didn't feel in a position to complain.
I'm so tired of this. Sick of it hurting to breathe, just to wake up on a morning and know I have to go out and face everyone and pretend I'm fine while all I need is to curl up and be left alone, sick of never believing teh good things people say and jumping on the bad things and repeating them in my head like a taunt, of never knowing if things are real or not, of feeling THIS.
I'm sorry I know I sound pathetic. I can't do this :(
See I cannot feel this, not matter how you try and in the real world, there's no goodbyes.
You can do this sweetie, try and beleive in yourself more - i know it's hard but just try. People do care about you and will be devastated if you turn to suicide, just like you would be if one of your friends did it.
Sorry for not being much help, but just remember, everyone here, including me cares about you and we'll try our best to help.
I don't think I can. If I get through tonight there's only tomorrow. I might feel better but I know I'll only end up like this, a pathetic suicidal wreck, again.
I;m back at CAMHS tomorrow and I'm not sure if I can be honest about this anymore. I don't want tablets to dope me up until I'm safe again, I just want this over with. No one would miss me and I know it's better for everyone. It's supposedly selfish to commit suicide but isn't it also seflish for people to expect you to keep living no matter how crap you feel for them? I can't keep doing this anymore. I'm not sure if I'm scared or relieved now.
See I cannot feel this, not matter how you try and in the real world, there's no goodbyes.
Haha, in 2005 I used the same argument about it being selfish for people wanting you to keep living when you want to die. But it doesn't work that way. They want you to live for YOU, not for them. They want you to be happy for YOU, not for them. And sometimes you've just got to live for other people and try to do what they want you to if it is healthier than what you would do otherwise.
I know it sounds utterly sucky. I feel your pain. I still am angry at having to live for people other than myself, but living just for myself is selfish, and you're supposed to care for others in this world we live in - that's the only way life will be good, if people care about each other - and sometimes we've just gotta care about others until we can care about them AND about ourselves.
I hope that makes some sense. Hang tough, love, you can make it. Just keep procrastinating on that OD. Don't do it tonight, put it off til tomorrow. Then keep putting it off. You'll make it through one day at a time. I'm not saying that it will be easy, but it will be worth it in the end. I promise.
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
Thank you and that did make sense. See I know you're right but it's hard to really...care. Oh god I sound like a total cow. I dunno, I do care about other people but I think they would be better without me so it's more like doing the right thing for them.
I didn't OD last night, I got my dad to sit with me until I went to sleep. I know if I OD, chances are I'm not gonna get myself to hospital because it hurts my dad so much and tbh it's pointless, as long as I stick near a certain amount and avoid what got me on a drip last time then I'll be okay.
At CAMHS this morning so I might tell him I'm struggling tho there's nothing he can do really =/ the only person who can help me is me and that's terrifying right now.
See I cannot feel this, not matter how you try and in the real world, there's no goodbyes.
Well it's official, my mum sees me as a mistake. I always thought she did but to have her say it is so much worse. I liked having that "maybe she does think it but maybe she doesn't" thing to fall back on.
She sees having a child at a young age as a huge mistake, waste of time and it messes up your life. Thanks mum. (she had me at 19). She saw my face and hurriedly added "Well, not you. I just mean...maybe I should have waited to have you, I was too young, bit of a mistake really.".
Least now it;s not just me who thinks I'm a total mistake and f*** up.
See I cannot feel this, not matter how you try and in the real world, there's no goodbyes.
Sorry to keep posting on here, I know there are people who need help more.
I'm really bad again, that f***ing feeling's back in my chest and cutting isn't helping. I need to OD and I'm trying so hard not to, I don't want to ruin a couple of months worth of hard work but it's so hard. I need to do it. WIth the amount of tabs I have I know it wouldn't kill me but definitely do a lot of damage, especially with my liver already being in a state. I can't do this.
See I cannot feel this, not matter how you try and in the real world, there's no goodbyes.
It's supposedly selfish to commit suicide but isn't it also seflish for people to expect you to keep living no matter how crap you feel for them?
That makes sense, but you know what I think?
They want you to live for YOU, but right now, you can't. So you need them to hold on to. You need to live for them to get you through this tough time, and once things get worked out, you'll be able to live for yourself again.
I'm sorry things are so tough. What are the chances of you going inpatient for a bit to get the help you need? I know it's terrifying but for me although it didn't fix things it got me through my crisis time and gave me time to stabilize on my meds. Granted, it's still a struggle, but if not for that I probably wouldn't be here. Have you considered it?
You're right it's just so hard. It shouldn't be like this! No one should ever feel like this and I'm sorry you're having a rough time, you definaitely don't deserve it.
That was suggested last time I got like this and I saw a psych at CAMHS but in the end they put me in a small dose of rispiridone instead just to calm me down for a week. I know the smart thing to do is to tell my dad how I'm feeling so he can keep me safe but there's this big part of me that doesn't want to be anymore. I wanna kill myself, seeing as I'm too much of a wimp at the moment to do that I need to OD, I just need to hurt myself. No one deserves having me around, all I do is upset people who don't deserve it at all.
I'm disgusting. I mean I always knew it but I've just started realising the full extent of it. Oh god I can't do this. I'm scared but it needs to be done.
See I cannot feel this, not matter how you try and in the real world, there's no goodbyes.
It doesn't need to be done and people do need you around.
Your random PMs lift my spirits so many days, and you always put up with my ranting.
How did it go at CAMHS this morning babe?
You said that last time you went in, they considered hospitalization but you ended up on meds. I don't know how it works in the UK but here, I've never heard of anyone put on meds purely for suicidality and that doesn't make sense. Seems to me like you're just postponing the inevitable--suppressing the urges while on the meds but not fixing the thoughts and problems underlying the suicidality, so once you are off the meds, or if they don't work, you're just as much a risk.
If they know you're suicidal and suggested hospitalization, could you try telling them that you feel unsafe and think hospitalization might be best? or at least tell your dad you feel unsafe and need him a lot right now...maybe getting the psych to help you talk to him would make it easier?
Thank you. I'm glad they help cheer you up a bit :)
Didn't really talk about much yesterday at CAMHS but I had so many moodswings with in a few hours it was ridiculous. One minute I was sui the next crying from laughter. My dad got worried, found some of the tabs I had in my room and carted me off to A&E because 'I was a risk to myself' and I had to spend the night on the childrens ward and see Colin again today to get assessed.
Yeh that's what I thought. They basically put me on the meds to keep me calm (or too doped up to o anything to myself) until I felt better without them. But then soon as I came off them I;ve been feeling crappy again so it hasn't really worked.
See I cannot feel this, not matter how you try and in the real world, there's no goodbyes.
Oh god. I'm starting to scare myself which is pathetic.
I'm sposed to be in school but decided to skive the morn but I know I could get away with missing teh whole day, no one would know. I could go do what I want.
Can't believe I gave in an ODed, only small but still, so fking pathetic! Why can't I just do the right thing for once. I'm so sick of feeling so alone like this, people say they care but I can't believe them, I want to, I need to but I can't. I was supposed to be so much more than this and instead I'm sitting alone typing a load of crap out that no one will probs read anyways. It hurts so much.EVerything hurts. I can't do this. This needs to end today,
See I cannot feel this, not matter how you try and in the real world, there's no goodbyes.
Please think about going to a+e hun, or at least your gp surgery, just don't be alone. I know it's not what you want to hear...
I'm not being nice because i want to, silly (; i'm being nice because i care about you. I used to believe some of what you're thinking now.. it's simply not true sweets.
This sounds crap, but it'll hurt a lot more when your dad finds you really ill tonight, than if you were to get to a+e now. What you've taken will make you more ill as the day goes on, i know you know that.
Think about it hun
Big love x x x
And you might say its self-inflicted
But you see that's contradictive
Why on earth would anyone practice self destruction?
Thanks.
Eck can't do either, I know you're right and it's annoying because I do wanr to do what you're saying but it will just lead to being told I'm fine and my dad getting even more upset than he already is because of me. Not worth it. I'll be find off the amount I've had, just feel crappy.
See I cannot feel this, not matter how you try and in the real world, there's no goodbyes.
Please hun, call camhs if you can, and tell them what you've just told me, about being told you're 'fine' (Fucking mh services!!!)
Listen to the part of you that wants to be helped, it's right hun.
You'll only get more ill tonight sweetie.
.... i know you're offline now. Please girl, take care of youself
xxx
And you might say its self-inflicted
But you see that's contradictive
Why on earth would anyone practice self destruction?
Hope you went to A&E...its the best thing to do...trust me!!
Really hope that you start feeling better really soon!! I know exactly how you feel and sympathize with you!!
Really hope you went, thinking of you!!
*B*i*g* *h*u*g*s* xxx
"People have abused you lots in the past? Why do you then abuse yourself more?" - Quote
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone, Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong, Sometimes I feel nothing at all, Sometimes I feel vulnerable, Sometimes I feel a little fragile
