Triggering (Substance Abuse) - Lost who I am. Help.
Since my boyfriend dumped me nearly 2 months ago (some might remember my thread about it and how I had started to si again after so long)
I have totally thrown my principles out of the window.
Vegetarian eating meat.
The peaceful girl who tries to stop fights, getting into brawls in a pub.
The girl who mightve smoked a bit of weed but would never touch anything else - doing coke and pills.
The girl who would NEVER have slept with anyone, sleeping with whoever shows me attention.
I barely eat. Unless under the influence.
I drink too much.
I darent tell some of my friends, even my best friend of 3 years that I've done half the stuff I've done.
I'm ashamed. They know I've satred smoking again but they dont know anything else and I dont want them to.
All I think about is the next time I can get so incapacitated I can barely walk or talk. I need help but I'm too scared to admitt it to anyone other than the people on ryl.
Sounds like you are in a rough spot. Do you talk to a therapist at all?
Could you run by the doc's for a physical and tell them some stuff or let them in a little see if they have any ideas?
Just an idea.
I hope things turn things sunnier for you
pip
I have always felt that the moment when you first wake up in the morning is the most wonderful of the twenty-four hours. No matter how weary or dreary you may feel, you possess the certainty that...absoultely anything may happen. And the fact that it practically always doesn't, matters not one jot. The possibility is always there.
It sounds like this has really been very traumatic for you - do you have anybody you can talk to about this? It's not uncommon for some of the things you mentioned - like drinking, smoking, getting involved with guys - to be part of a kind of "pleasure binge". A way of trying to make yourself feel better, if you get what I mean? You will be able to feel more "normal" when you get the help you need for the reasons why you started doing this. Could you perhaps ring Samaritans (if you're in the UK) or similar (if you're in any other country), that would be a big step into getting help offline and away from RYL. Stay safe, hun
No I don't see a therapist, I can't go to the doctors because I have been a thousand times for my SI and depression and never had any help so why bother now?
I think my friends are sick of me talking about how I feel about anything now. I had a really rough day yesterday, after a week or so of not feeling down at all - tearful and rubbish and missing him so much, and even my two best friends were like, well were is this coming from you were fine. Telling me to cheer up doesn't help.
I wouldn't know what to say if I rang anyone. (I am in the UK by the way.)
Typing is so much less real than having to actually say it out loud. The words won't come out, and I don't want anyone to be dissapointed in me, which is why I haven't even told my best friend I've been doing drugs and sleeping around.
I get that it's a way of trying to make myself feel better, and to some extent it works, but last night I was in a funny mood and thought I was going insane and you know what, I just don't even know.
Thank you, for the support though, it does mean something I just don't know how well I can soak up any advice right now. I guess I want it to store for later if you get me. If you get me you are brilliant, cause I don't even get me.
Last edited by .lost.the.tin.can. : 11-06-2008 at 06:53 PM.
Reason: Spelling
Yes, I do know what you mean :) *keeps cuddling you* Have you tried writing down all these feelings or using a Rant thread to get them off your chest? And I do firmly reccomend that crying can be the best therapy sometimes! If typing is better than saying them, maybe you could use emails or letters as way of communicating? That's how I usually talk, because I don't like saying things. I know what you mean by not wanting people to be disappointed in you, I get the same feelings - is there anybody at all you think would understand that you could talk or even write to? And if you're finding your doctor of no help, would changing doctors surgeries be an option too? Take care of yourself <3
I wish I had some money. I can't stand being sober in any way right now. I hate being here, my stupid parents. My dad started a row then told me to go to my room! Which of course set me off on one, I'm 20 and have lived on my own so how DARE he try and tell me what to do?!! The man makes me so angry and my MUM makes me even angrier because she just sits and cries amd puts herh ands over her ears instead of standing up to him or standing up for me so we end up arguing too.
I can't live here much longer I'll go mad. Been back a month and the last 2 days is the longest time I've spent at home. I hate HATE HATE it!!!!
Moving into my mates in a couple of weeks if not sooner I hope. I just cant stay here and wait for her flatmate to move out for much longer, or I might not even be alive by the time I can move in.
I miss him. I hate him. I love him. Even after everything, the way he's changed me, the 1 person i want to talk to right now his him. But he's with HER and doesnt wanna talk to me - even though hes the one that left me!! It should be me not wanting to talk to him. GOD SAKES.
And knowing I can't talk to him makes me wanna get so utterly off my face that I can't talk to anyone. I just don't want to feel like this anymore.
I've changed doctors surgerys twice before, I'm sick of trying.
I will tell you that your parents usually have your best interests at heart, even if you don't understand it, at the time. Your father might not be good at dealing with it when you do something he knows is not going to be good for you and you might not understand, or stubbornly insist that you'll be fine - hence the frustration and shouting.
Your mother... might not know how to deal with your father's anger, or whatever's going on, and it's too much for her, too. She's a person with emotions and feelings, like you are. No one is made of steel, and things bother and hurt your parents as well as you - no matter how some people insist their parents are robots.
I have a son, I would know.
As for your ex boyfriend... I'm not good at explaining this, but if I were in your shoes... fuck him. Seriously. Why are you letting him bother you, still? I've broken up with people before, people I really loved... and I always thought you myself, "Why am I wasting my time? I'm not going to sit here and be unhappy because some bitch (or, in your case, bastard) thought she was too good for me. Fuck them."
And I moved on. They weren't the only person on the planet. I didn't have time for the heartache, so I just didn't let it be.
I hope that helps a bit.
Fdsgfssd fsdf! gfsdd... fgsdfsdf. Fddsfd. Did you understand that? No?
Good. Neither did I. Glad we're on the same page.
Katan is my daughter. Yeah, I'm 28 and she's 24. My sex-drive was just amazing when I was 4.
I went thru a period of abuseing drugs (both alchol and other substances) to try and forget what i am feeling and although i still do it from time to time, i do it less as a way of a covering up how i am feeling but more of a way to relax!
I persnaly do not think you need to feel so bad about your behaviour..you are hitting out...their is no law against that!..but please try and do it as safely as you can..if you need too.
although i know when i get off my face i do it just so i am NOT safe and because i want to totaly not feel anything!
Your ex is total **** for letting go of you!! you seem like an amazing perason wjho is just going thru a hard time at the moment!!
But if you want to get off the drugs and alchol you have to get away from the people who were suppling you..even if they are friends..just for a while so you feel you can cope without it! then you can go and bac and once you ahve learnt to controll your intake you will be such a stonger person!!
Hey,
oh I know they aren't robots but they never see that the way they are acting is hugrting me and yes, I have told them, a thousand times. I've tried to talk rationally to them and they won't have it, tried everything I can think of, and nope.
I thought I had moved on. I did. I thought, that I was coping ok and mostly I could walk past him in the street, serve him at work and be fine. It hurt but it was ok. But I seem to have gone a bit bacwards and this time I'm struggling to get back to where I was with it let alone move on. It's knocked me sideways, my confidence my life, everything was going so well for the first time in 7 years. And then it all got pulled from under me and I guess I'm not the best person at coping well with things, never have been.
I didn't want to start cutting again so I started doing things I'd never done before like drugs instead. I don't want to get hooked on anything, I don't want it to become a problm, I'm in control of it at the minute but I don't know how long I can be.
My head is all over the place, I can'tstand this sober feeling. I'm not sure how much of it is actually about my ex anymore, I think it's about how I feel about myself since he left me.
I do miss him. I do love him, but I'd never have him back after the way hes treated me. And I really mean that.
I think, I just hate myself so much again that I've lost everything id worked for within myself with or without him there. I've forgotten how to look after myself like I had learned to do, because he was doing it for me.
Having to move back to my parents, having to give everything up that I loved after he left me, and being left in financial messes after he walked out and refused to talk to me about anything.... moving back with the people that have emotionally and physically abused me since I was a child...I thought I had got my life together and I'm back where I started.
I'm not that much of an amazing person or he'dve stayed with me instead of gone to her. He was my best friend, the one person who knew everything about me, the ONE person I let down all my barriers with. And now I have nobody like that in my life. I'm scared. I think I want to stop using drugs but I love the feeling of not feeling the pain. I know what you mean about doing it not to be safe, I guess I kinda think that to myself as well. Maybe I'm sick of the safety net I had with him and I'm seeing how far I can push myself, or something, I really don't know.
Thanks everyone xx
