possible TRIG. for everything (to be ion the safe side)
i'm sat here at god knows what time..oh wait.. near 4:30 AM...never a good time to evaluate your life.
I'm thinking of all your sad lives you've had to fight thru over the years and i wonder..
why am I here??
I didnt have a mother who beat me, or a father who raped me (my rape was a stranger; The least common of them all apparently).
Those who know me will know what i'm talking about...maybe she was right. Maybe i AM all those horrid things she called me. Maybe she finally got the courage to speak the truth....? That just hit me..maybe she 'shielded' me all these years from my inner horridness...it was always known they never 'liked' me and only 'loved' me because that fit their fairytale world. You know...2.5 kids, nice house, nice cars, nice holidays, etc.
Who is to know what's true? I'm beginning to believe them...they 'supposedly' know me best after all right?
Maybe i am a bitch, maybe i did deserve all i have been given..maybe i'm wrong and she is right? How can i know for sure?
I'm begining to think theywas right. They should know me best after all...right?
Even tho part says that is a lie...
But a growing part is saying I"M the lie; this persona i have created, that you all know..what if its just that???? A fake, a fraud?? A person I wish i was?
I feel i am.
Maybe the doc saying 'let's wait and see' is because HE thinks i'm a liar too...and is just waiting me out ... waiting for me to give up what he figures is a ploy for attention, why else is there no real help? So what if i can see bones? ANd i faint alot? Maybe...
It's odd, this feeling...i can (literally and figuratively) hear the birds....but
Oh hell, i dont know how to say what i mean in the right way..it 's coming out a garbled mess.
Don't worry...tomorrow i will get a refill on my sleepers,and some others, so (hopefully) no more rambling , nan-sensical posts... I'll go back to my drug-induced never-never land and be 'socially acceptable' once again.
sorry to have wasted your time ...[sorry to have wasted so many years...I've lost them now]...and this one WAS a waste...
romp, just cos people are related to us doesnt mean they know us. hell, most of my family have got no idea, parents included!
your doctor is just a prat, to be honest.
please dont let these thoughts slow down ur road to recovery!
i hav to go to bed now. talk more tomorrow xx
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
romp, you is lovely. Like above, even family cant always know us, you dont choose your family. Am concerned that your doc isnt paying attention.l You have done nothing wrong, its other people who need to listen to you and be there for you.
You are certianly none of the horrid things you've talked about in your post, not at all at all! when i saw that little photo of you that you posted long time ago,cant remember when....but i thought imediately how stunning you are! I'm not just saying this for effect, its true. And to go with that you have such a trusting and genuine personality that shines through in these posts. True, what you say is not always rosey and nice, but life aint like that :( you've had more than your fair share of roller-coaster rides.
I have to say though, please please dont think that just because you were raped by a stranged that it makes it any the less severe! Being raped in any way by anyone, is TERRIBLE! I am just so so sorry that you had to go through this. Its an awful thing and makes me so angry that people have to experience such a thing! Please dont put yourself down about this, you have every right to feel emotions about this.
I often have sleepless nights myself and wonder about myself and usually consider self-destructing activities.......but my friend, you can overcome these thoughts. Watch tv, play music into your ears, write and write and write away until your tired. Do I remember right that you have dogs?? I find animals so calming, or go for a run with them.
I'm useless at advice really. I mean people say dont they, go and put the kettle on, or do a wonderful painting, but at the end of the day these activities often dont take it away. I understand that and sympathise.
Perhaps I can empathise with you?
Oh Hush honey. You're not a horrible person and I have one question for you... How do you have half a kid??? :D
HOney you're wonderful. We love you just the way you are!! I wish you were happy all the time but recovery is a nasty thing and is very up and down! But you will get through it. Even if most of you is screaming at you that you're horrible listen to that little part that's saying... NO YOU'RE NOT, YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON! I have faith in you sweetheart. Will keep having faith in you until you can have faith in yourself.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Romp, you are awesome! You keep trying and doing. You keep reaching out. Your life it not a lie.
When someone tells you are bad it is usually a reflection of their problems! Not about you. Someone who really loves you won't worry about your problems! Or if you ask, they will help you help yourself.
Please, keep talking to us.
Be true to yourself!
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
.gif "rose")
