Triggering (SI) - What have I done

[Minty]

I am just cutting all the time. I got high last night which wasnt a good idea as I cut loads and now have no where else to do it unless I do my arms. It just made me forget how fcked I am at the moment. I have so little money and I had to live for another month and a half on pittance. My job havent called me and I've finished uni and without them I'll just stay in forever which makes me feel useless. I'm fat and im ugly and just pathetic. I have to go to a bloody hearing soon and talk about all the crap my abuser did to me.

Where can I start on that I don't know how I can do it I know Ill choke on the words because they can't reach my mouth. I need a break I need a decent counseller who doesnt believe that the only thing wrong with people is university. But my doctor is reluctant so where can I go?

I just have to accept my fate as this useless human being might as well give up trying to stop because everyone knows Im too weak and pathetic to ever get past this.

[Stellata]

You're not weak or pathetic, rather, it seems that you feel powerless in the face of these intense urges to hurt yourself.

You've been hurt a lot, and this abuse that you've been through has effected the way that you see yourself. It's like you see yourself through a distorted mirror.

Mind might be a good place to look for counselling, as might any local counselling/therapy training college, as they offer low cost clinics. You might also benefit from looking into any local organisations that offer support for people who've suffered abuse. What this might be would depend on how old you were when the abuse happened - there are voluntary organisations for adult survivors of sexual abuse, for example, as well as Rape Crisis for support following more recent assaults.

It sounds like you're feeling really trapped in your current situation. You are right, university is like 'the least of your problems'. But it is part of the difficulties that you're facing.
Was this your last year of uni? What are your options from here, workwise? Can you contact work to find out what's happening? Would you consider doing some voluntary work to tide you over until you get your job sorted? How do you feel about signing on with an agency?

There are lots of ways through this, and you need to find the ways that work for you - one step at a time.

[Minty]

No it's not my last year of uni but the counsellers at uni ignore anything that is remotely hard to deal with such as abuse. Things that happened in the past. Might have a look at mind although I feel bit bad as more people need the help there. The uni work isnt a problem its only the money that is a problem. With the work situation I should get a call next week hopefully I just know I wont be paid until next month and thats stressing me out. I don't know this always happens I'm fine for months then crap for months thats why when I feel better i can never accpet it because I know that round the corner is just more bad feeling.