**** NOTICE:: ALSO SI/ED TRIGGERING ****
I saw my uncle a couple weeks ago...
I haven't seen him since I told people about the abuse, which was like three years ago. It was right after my surprise sweet sixteen. Kinda ruined the day for me.
I was supposed to be going to get the car for my mom so we could load it with all the crap i got for presents and such. But yeah. I was walking alone. I don't know why I was. My aunt Jane was freaking out that I was going alone, since I was still fifteen and I only have my permit, not my actual driver's license. I thought I would be fine. I mean it was like, what, a couple blocks to the car, through a lot of condos, in a safe area and ****, I didn't think there would be any trouble. But guess what, there was.
My aunt Val, my uncle's husband, was waiting at aunt Jane's condo for him to come pick her up, because she can't drive, and of course just as I'm walking to get the car, he's walking up to the condo to get her. WTF?! I was so scared. Thank god he didn't know exactly who I was. Well, I'm sure he knew, but he was still like, "Samantha?", and I was all like uh.. no and I just kept walking. I was soo scared. He didn't question it, and I got in the car and drove off just as he was coming down the hill with my aunt.
I know nothing happened, and that everything turned out okay, but it scared the living crap out of me. (horrible saying btw) My greatest fear is seeing him again and him knowing where I am and what I'm doing. I'm so afraid he's going to come and try to hurt me again. I know that he probably won't do that, but he saw me. My fear has become true... He know's where I am and I'm sure my aunt has told him where I go to school. God. I'm so scared. I talked to my teacher about it, she's been through child abuse too and she said that she's scared all the time too, her father went to jail for three years a long time ago and now he's out wandering somewhere in the US. But she also said that she feels good because she told and got him in jail and that he's now known as like a sexual predator or whatever. She told me that I should think about reporting him. When I told people in the hospital three years ago about the abuse I didn't want to tell them who it really was, so I pretended I couldn't remember. They brought some lady from the county to interview me and to file a report and I lied. I didn't want to get anyone in trouble. I knew it would hurt my aunt if that happened. But my teacher said that it would probably be good to report it because you never know if someone else has reported him. I know my cousin was abused by him too, but her mom told her to forget about it and continue living life. (she's way messed up now) I don't really know if anyone else has ever been hurt by him. I don't want anyone else to get hurt by him, so I know I should report him. I don't know. I don't know about anything. My therapist said it's up to me whether I report it or not. I feel so confused right now. And so very vulnerable. I'm scared all the time. I'm paranoid. Every guy I see now scares me. I was getting a little better with my teachers and stuff, but now even they scare me. I wish I could be five again, before the abuse, before everything. I wouldn't feel this way. I wouldn't want to cut every minute. I wouldn't want to b/p. I don't know. I've been b/ping all the time lately. Sometimes just binging. And I've started cutting again. Why does this stuff happen? Why can't people just be nice? I know, stupid thought. There will never be a time when everyone is nice and happy. But whatever. I can wish... right?
