Support For Dave (bleedingdragon)

[crazykat]

*Huge hugs* I am thinking of you Dave

[bleedingdragon]

Thankyou so so much

Rowie, susan, Mimsy, and Kat
i will write a reply soon just need to get head together

Hugs you all lots

Dave

[bleedingdragon]

"Triggering Self Injury "













OMG ...OMG

I dont believe this ive just got the courage to ring up the Psychological Therapies service the group im supposed to be getting an assessment from a psychologist from . Ive been waiting for 4 months
and havent received a date yet, and im supposed to be having an assesment in jan 2008 . I got myself all bloody worked up because its taken me ages to find the bloody letter from them.

Ive just rang them and they have rung me back ive now been told that its going to be a further 3 months before i can get an assesment. I dont f*cking believe this its bloody ridiculous i said to the lady that i dont think i can wait a further 3 months, then have to wait another 6 months for treatment.

Im getting scared now
and im getting sick of this crap im tired of having to cope with all this ****
how the hell do i cope till march ,
seing my Ex a couple of days ago has screwed me up so much already

i wish she was dead,
and i wish i was dead im tired of fighting tired of waiting i hate this crap so much , if i go to my Dr all thats going to happen is nothing i will still have to bloody wait .

everything is such a bloody battle,
i wish i could just disappear forever,
sleep forever
im lost now and i cant take it in, ****......****......****

i hope the hell i can last that long
i ended up SI this morning and its more than before, it safe but

oh hell i dont know anymore
im screwed
im screwed
goes away to f*cking hide again
arhhhhhhhhhhh

[Cazki]

Hello Dave im terribly sorry but iv only just seen this im terribly sorry that i didnt reply untill now. Im so sorry that your struggling i know you have been through so much and you have hepled me so much im really pleased that Amy created a thread for you i would have done it myself but iv been so busy posting and supporting here i just havent been able to.

You can get through this Dave i know you can you have been through alot but here you are still fighthing through and you know what im etremely proud of you i really am. *Gives you a big hug* Please dont give up mate you can do this we are all her efor you and we really care for you. I would be devasted to loose you mate and so would many other people.

We will always do our very best to support you for as long as you need it. That is because you deserve support and your a very caring guy. You have been there for me alot and others. Im so glad that iv got you as my ryl dad because you are absolutely superb you really are. Please please try to keep calm mate ok and please try to keep yourself distracted as much as possible. I know its incredibly difficult but you can do this. Please dont give up. We are all here for you ok.

Please remember that if you need someone to talk to or you need help you can pm me anytime ok.

Please keep yourself safe best wishes Ian

[savemefrommyself]

Hey Dave, I know we don't know each other, but I've seen how much support you've given SOO many people on here that I know what an amazing person you are. Every signature I look at you're there, in someone's RYL family, very much loved and appreciated.
I'm so very sorry you're going through a hard time at the moment, I hope things work out well for you. I know there are so many people on here that appreciate you, and you deserve to be happy, just like everyone else here.
I hope things work out well for you, and please, feel free to PM me whenever.
Stephy xxxxx

[bleedingdragon]

Son,
Words fail me im moved by your wonderfull post,

Please do not worry about only just seing my thread its ok ian, thank you for your supportive words, its no problem at all that i have supported you
i allways will son as much as i can do. It is great that Amy started this support thread for me shes wonderfull. I know that if i hadnt already got one that you would have started one for me. Your brilliant young man
so caring and thoughtfull, full of energy and you have a happy energy thats infectious you have the ability to make others happy. Youve certainly made me very proud of you and very happy that i know you and support you. You mean a great deal to me son . You will go far im sure with anything you set your mind to.

Son you have been so thoughtfull and busy caring and supporting others here, RYL is very lucky to have someone so special as you, you tirelesly give all you can to others. You allways make an effort to welcome newcomers to ryl. And put them at ease and make them feel welcome.

Its always a pleasure to talk to you and share time with you ian.

Thank you Ian for believing in me and being so supportive of me and that your so proud of me for still fighting my stuff. Your support and friendship mean the world to me and you give me strength and hope and belief. I will continue to fight my stuff and do my best, your support of me helps me so much Ian, thank you very much.
Thank you for your Hug, Offers you a big hug back,
I will do all i can not to give up and to channel it into fighting my stuff,you and mny people here lift me up and help me continue RYL has kept me sane and alive and the many people here , including you son keep me focused.

I know you would be devastated to lose me, thank you for saying that, it means so much to me , i to would be devastated to lose someone so special as you ian.

I know you and many others would allways do their best to support me i have many friends around me and im forever greatfull. Thanks for saying im such a caring guy.

Yes ive been here for you son because i care a great deal for you you have battled with so much yourself and ive seen you grow in confidence and strength, im so proud of the way youve overcome your difficulties and continue to deal with your difficulties. I care about others to, im still struggling right now with trust issues so im cautious but i will get there.

Thank you Ian for saying your so glad im your RYL dad, i will do my best to keep calm ian, and i will do all i can to keep distracted ranting and my artwork are helping me alot. I will do all i can not to give up .

I know very well son that if i need to talk with someone that you are here for me, im so greatfull and again proud that you are here and i can come to you.

Best wishes ian and look after yourself while you continue to grow and overcome your difficulties.

your very proud RYL Dad

[bleedingdragon]

Thank you so much to those of you who have replied to my thread i will give you all replies please be patient with me i just need to rest my head for a while and i will be back to reply.

hugs you all so much

Dave

[Pomegranate]

*offers a warm hug and a listener for you Dave* Take care of yourself. You mean so much to RYL xx

[crazykat]

I am so sorry that they have knocked back your assesment again, it must be really hard and frustrating for you. I just wanted also to say how proud i am of you, that regardless how bad things have got that you have not given up you have kept fighting. That is amazing and something you should be proud of. Hang iun there you can get through this. Just take one day at a time. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to.
Kat xxx

[bleedingdragon]

"Triggering suicide self injury "























I managed to make a Drs appointment, it was this morning ive been so stressed out i took the letter with me from the psychological therapies service. I was trying to keep myself together trying not to fall apart grrrrr.

The Dr was a locum i didnt hold out much hope, but he was really nice
he made me feel listened to, that made a difference, and i was shaking like crazy , i mumbled a few words to try and explain what the letter was about. He said ive not looked at your notes yet, i thought oh god you dont want to theres so much stuff.

I had to briefly tell him what ive been through and i nearly fell apart im getting emotional and crying and shaking, ........****......**** i cant cope with this its tearing me apart i...wish i could end this knightmare.

Im losing control, i ****ing hate you ex , and bully for all youve done to me i cant take this crap anymore its too much for me, i told the Dr id bumped into my ex in town last week and i fell apart crying and bloody shaking. And i cant deal with this **** anymore. He said the letter says your at risk of harming yourself , Are you still self harming, and can you tell me why you are still self harming .

I managed to get out that i am still self harming .........and im starting to lose it again i feel myself falling. He said why do you self harm,

I sat there and tried to tell him im er, .......while im losing control
......**** .......**** its getting to much, er im self harming ....to er....im still crying and shaking
..stay alive to cope ....arhhhhhh with my ****.

So your not wanting to kill yourself,
Er....cries buckets now im trying to control my voice and hold myself together er...ive tried to kill myself a few times and still regret at times that i didnt end it.

I hate this knightmare its too much to bare i want it over, er...i still wish id died back then and i wish ...crying **** loads now .... i would go to sleep and not wake up.

He was listening and he was caring...bloody hell i cant believe it.

Inside myself Im falling now and im struggling to speak ......crying loads, er i want to die but i also.......crying shitloads and still struggling to speak i want to live
....i want to get through this ****..........arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
crying and shaking

He said its good to know you want to live,
he said i will write to them and see what i can do im not sure if they can see you any earlier or not. The Dr said If not maybe we can do something for you,

I couldnt believe what he just said that sounds like you mean their might be other help, god im holding onto what hes just said.

OMG i hope so because im tired of this crap im tired of what shes doing to me still, i cant bare to see her anymore, or the bully my life is a knightmare im close to losing control of the **** inside will it drown me,

what scares me is i fear its a case of when will it drown me my exes trauma and my bullies trauma .or when will i let my dark part win.

The Dr said Get back in touch with us in 2-3 weeks to see if they can see you sooner, arhhh i have to wait 2-3 weeks ****, hes been really kind and helpfull it made me feel not so bad. I will try and see this Dr again.

but im scared shitless of if i can survive that long before this drowns me, part of me wants it to drown me to finish me, its the dark part of me thats been damaged by her and my bully, i fight it so much......im crying while i say to Dr .... i want to live and get past this crap...its just so hard to cope.

Im screaming so loud inside my head the dr cant hear the scream it doesnt stop.............................................. ......screeeeam

I managed to tell him that ive waited 4 months for an assesment from a psychologist and im scared right now because ive been told ive got to wait a further 3 months before i get the assesment and im scared that i wont make it till then. Then it will be up to 6 more months from then before i will recieve treatment arhhhhhh....

**** the letter was dated october 2007, 4 months from there is february, then add another 3 months thats OMG may 2008 I cant f*cking wait that long im gonna fall apart.

I thanked the Dr while i was holding myself together as best i could while i left his room, while i was outside waiting for receptionist to photocopy my letter for the dr i was gripping myself so ****ing tight i was shaking like crazy. And trying to hold back the tears i was scared of it overcoming me and falling apart in reception.
arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....i need to get out of here quick

im like a zombie now trying desperatly to shove everything back inside the box in my head i had to hold it together and compose myself.Its sorta back in there but for how long

im scared of if i can make it, i was comforted by the Dr and the way he treated me, that helped me, but im still scared inside it feels like there is an army of trauma waiting to wage war on me and for now im holding them back, how ****ing long can i hold back this knightmare army.


goes away to hide in a dark place curled up in a ball where i hope they cant find me.

[Pomegranate]

*hugs you Dave* First of all Congratulations on having the personal strength, courage and determination to make and attend your Doctors appointment. It must have been really hard for you and I think you are an amazingly strong person to go through with it and be so honest with him. You are so eloquent and such a lovely person, I pray things get better for you soon.

I am pleased the Doctor was so nice and understanding and hopefully things will move along a little quicker now. I know it seems like it will take a long time but have faith in yourself, like everyone on here has faith in you that you can make it. Let us support you like I have seen you support so many people.

You are an amazing man and I hope one day soon you can see that

Emma x

[bleedingdragon]

Emma,
Your very moving words er , im getting emotional right now, your moving and supportive words really comfort me.

i will reply to you properly in a while when my heads clearer
thankyou

Dave

[hopeandsaneity]

Hi Friend(bleeding Dragon)
just want to send you lots of hugs
I have chatted to you once and from that one time i knew what a great guy you are.
your lovely and i am sorry your having a hard time
hope things improve

[bleedingdragon]

" Please be carefull Triggering self injury, suicide, abuse "

Its long im sorry

























Hi everyone,
im sorry ive not been on here and supporting ive struggled so much and been hiding so much. ive found it hard to talk and open up and i hate myself for that i know you really care about me , it hurts me inside that i havent been here, where so many of you have been there for me.
please forgive me

all i could do was my artwork or rant or if im lucky say a few words to some people.

Ive just been for my second assesment with this psychiatrist, ive been wanting to see a psychologist but im terrified im not gona get anywhere near one im screwed so screwed up,

they are scared of handling me

oh god oh god im screwed fvcking screwed

im so screwed im one screwed up head case

and im really scared right now. The psychiatrist needed to see me a second time to cover my crap,theres no way he could cover all my crap in two sessions but he felt hed seen and heard enough i guess.


im really scared it was really hard to be there and go over my crap. i got so involved and lost in so much ****,

theres way to much **** for me to handle i cant do this i cant

The psychiatrist has said some things that really worry me, forgive me if i get confused or mixed up.

im pretty numb right now my emotions are all over the bloody place

I talked about all sorts of **** thats in my head theres to much **** to cover in these bloody assesments, its no bloody wonder ive been suicidal and so bloody depressed and screwed up

i got the distinct feeling my psychiatrist was unsure or not happy with all my crap, or what to do with me.

Im getting really worried now im too screwed up for them to help me what the hell am i gona do.

I told him i was upset and angry that my nurse was agressive with me about if i was to see a psychologist they would be too much for me and i would try and end my life. And that i would only get 20 sessions and thats it if i wasnt cured in 20 sessions, i would be shoved on a shelf and nothing more could be done for me.

oh god no i cant deal with that ,

my psychiatrist said well my arms are tied im restricted to only accepting people i know will get treated and healed in the 20 sessions, if i think they wont then i will refuse them.

its clear you wont benefit from counselling you become to traumatised dave

so what the fvck are people who are really screwed up supposed to do the only bloddy reason i needed to see a psychiatrist well 2 infact and 2 bloody comm mental health nurses was because i NEED HELP
I WOULDNT BBE BLOODY GOING AND SEING THEM IF I WAS BLOODY OK WOULD I

when i do they start out ok but then treat me like **** doing more u turns than spagetti junction and being aggressive with me

i may as well just fvcking give up cause no one is gona help me i wish id died and escaped im such a fcking burden to you arnt i

i wish i was dead dead dead dead dead dead im such a burden a waste of space

god i hate you SO MUCH EX AND BULLY youve destroyed me
I WISH ID NEVER MET YOU

scream.......................................screa mmmmmmmms

****.............................cries............ ...............**** well that got me scared cause i think im gona take more than 20 sessions as im so screwed up.

i could tell he wasnt sure i should be counselled i told him id had person centred counselling before , and she was very good but that it was too traumatic i was getting pulled into my trauma like being sucked into a tornadoe. He was saying from the way you have been with me last session and today youve been sucked into your trauma a great deal and i just dont think counselling will work for you.

silence..............................omg i cant take this in
what the hell can you do for me your saying im to screwed up for you to deal with
what fvcking hope have i got i cant beat this **** by myself.

arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhh
arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

damn damn damn i wish id succeeded before i would be free of this torture

there are just 3 possabilities i see for yopu dave

1 is art therapy
2 would be group counselling

and **** i cant remember the third one damn you brain what was the third one

art therapy could be helpfull as im doing artwork of my own its kept me sane for now, but i say to him i want and think that talking therapy is needed by me not just art therapy.

i need something to help me or imgona crack up and go insane and lose it i need some help please

ive already created 200 pieces of artwork and im scared how much more im gona do how long would that take

He says i need to talk to the art therapist as theres no gaurantee it will help you


im getting deeper and deeper in my depression now im losing control theres not much hope for me is there

just fvcking shove me in the corner and leave me there i cant believe that he says theres little we can do for you

group therapy i can see some benefits but also some disadvantages with being with other guys can that help me through my **** i dont know

oh god im so screwed he is more or less saying underneath his words im unsure what the heck to do with you

i mean who the hell wants to listen to someone like me ive only been to hell and im still trapped there and you all seem scared to take me on and help me.

no ones prepared to go on my journey with me you pull back when you hear my **** . arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i need to get off this fvcking journey before i go insane i cant just walk away close the door switch off like you

i tell him im scared so bloody scared of the sheer power of my emotion i was somehow able to survive so many traumatic life and death situations, and i had to keep it all in and show no emotion or be depressed round my wife cause shed get aggressive and angry that i couldnt cope she was allowed to bloody lose it scream and shout risk her life screw my life up
beat the crap out of me, and i wasnt allowed to react i had to be the rock and
take her to casuality no matter what shed done or rescue her or go looking for her.
i was so scared of her and what shed do to me
while i was pushed to the edge of my fvcking sanity by her and what she did to herself and me

i wish youd killed me i wish id died back then i want to finish the job you and my bully started im tortured by surviving, i said to my psychiatrist its like being burnt alive and i dont die im still on fire all the time.

he winsed and i could tell he was drawing back


arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhh
arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
a screams........................................... ....screams

the psychiatrist says i hoped you would have brought your artwork in ,

me - **** well i bloody brought you 50 pieces of artwork on my first session and you said altho i understand your need to do artwork i wont look at it as i could misinterprit it,

so i bloody dont bring any with me altho i did one with me in a straight jacket this morning and i was going to bring it in but i didnt think you would look at it i wanted him to see **** tipical .
it shows me going insane going mad all my trauma is around me my bully my ex and the trauma and i cant escape it im tied up in a straight jacket.

i wont see you for 3 weeks now he says
me .......................silence .....................oh god
er what if need someone urgently , see your dr as i wont be able to do anything

im scared to death im not gona get treatment to recover from my trauma
and that im finally gona snap and lose my mind-- i want to lose my mind
and escape this i so long for it to happen im sick of being pushed so close so many times and being sucked ito a tornadoe from hell . you should have killed me grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i had to walk round and round after the session and i got home and i rang to make an appointment with my dr for this friday i need to last till friday

i can see its not gona achieve much me seing her but shes been supportive and understanding

cries..................................cries...... ...i have to hold onto her

im going to hide right now im sorry i cries just need to hide

im screaming so loud inside my head i fear my head will explode

crawls away to somewhere dark

[blondiebear]

They can't help you unless you can be cured in twenty sessions? Good Grief! What an absolutely messed up system!!!!!

Lemme see, 13 years times 12+sessions a year is 156 sessions. And I expect to be doing this for years?

And they think 20 sessions will help?

You are screaming for help. You've been destroyed by two people? You did your best not to hurt them and the medical mental health system won't help?

I wish I had an answer or even something wise to say.

I'm not doing this this way because I'm afraid of you, but rather I'm trying to leave you in peace if you want it...

Drops off at the entrance to your dragon cave some dragon chow treats from California; almonds, raisins, avocados and oranges. Carefully leaves a box of hugs there too for you to use.

[Pomegranate]

Wow, Dave I'm sorry friend. It sounds like you had a really rough time with the psych today. It annoys me when they put these damn limits on things. At my work there is a counselling center but a maximum of 6 sessions. It is absolutely ridiculous. It's like if it was that easy to get over then surely we would manage it ourselves and not be in so much pain.

Art therapy sounds like a good idea though. Maybe coupled with group or something. Although I understand your reservations about group. I'm sorry, I guess I don't really have many words for you. But I truely hope you get the help you deserve and start to feel the peace and happiness you deserve. I know I have said it before but you are an *amazing* person and I wish you could see it.
*sends warm hugs and thoughts to you*
Emma x

[chocostashchick]

Dave i am so sos os so hsorry
i send youlvoley hugds
oopcs cant typ

[Trucktastic]

Dear Dave,

I haven't got much at the moment, but take care, Love. You are stronger than you think you are, since you've got this far.
One day at a time, Love.

Take care, and lots of hugs.

Lozza xxx

[bleedingdragon]

" Triggering self injury suicide depression be carefull "


























Susan
Emma
Callie
loz


Im in tears reading your replies i cant thank you enough
i promise you i will reply to you all

im scared right now i have the drs appoint in 9 hours i cant
fvcking sleep im scared im gona lose it and end up doing
something

im gona be honest with dr but dont hold much hope

i think im a lost cause

they have to do more for me i dont think i can hold on

im holding on cause of all the fvcking amazing people here on ryl

i owe you all so much
its just so ff hard

gota keep fighting

[blondiebear]

Please let us know how it goes, good or bad?