I've lost the only good thing in my life (update HE KISSED MY FRIEND)
HELP ME.
I've not been on for a while and believe me a I feel a cheeky cow for posting a new thread without even glancing at anyone elses.
But I was SO happy.
I had never known anything like it.
I fell in love, with the best guy in the WORLD.
We moved in together 2 months ago.
A week ago he walked out saying it didn't feel right he needed time. Later on that day he said he'd be out my life forever tomorrow, because he was coming to get his stuff from the flat and signing bills over into my name.
Heartbroken angry and confused STUPID me went to the pub and got incredibly drunk, which I thought was a better idea than what I wanted to do first instinct (cut)
Turned out the new landlord of this pub is a sleazy ******* and knowing my bf and me, and my bf had already told him he'd dumped me, made it even more terrible. He was giving me free drinks all night and stupid me took them because I was in so much pain. I sat in that pub crying and shouting and flipping out over the loss of my relationship with my best friend who was also very drunk and went home, leaving me with sleazeball (btw I didn't know he was like this at the time)
Who kept giving me free drinks till the early hours of the morning then hit on me. Kept telling me all the stuff a girl wants to hear when the love of her life just finished with her, beautiful sexy, a wonderful person etc...I said no a few times, saying I needed to get out the pub but it was locked and I needed him to unlock the doors. He kept saying calm down, finish your drink stop crying before you go out onto the street. And I did. STUPID ME. The more drink I had the more upset I was getting, the more I kept saying no I love him I cant do this. But eventually he wore me down and I slept with him.
Then when I thought I had the chance to get back with my bf he asked me what had happened with new landord and I CAN'T LIE TO HIM. I CAN'T. I felt too guilty for a start even thogh we weren't together. But I never have been able to lie to him.
He hated me, he wouldnt come near me, couldn't look at me I made him feel sick, he said NASTY things that he knows aren't even true... said we would never even be friends - everything in the flat that was his has gone. Only thing I have left is a smelly tshirt which I can't was or give back to him.
I've been a zombie all week. Had 4 days off work (yeah great I have a flat I can't afford on my own rents due 1st of the month and he's not here to help pay and I have 4 days off, idiot. Not eaten much, 1 thing a day tops because my mates have forced it down me. I've been struggling all week not to cut but I think I just can't stop myself much longer.
At the weekend he stayed over, sat and sun night, we slept together 4 times in the last 3 days. Honestly it felt like old times and I thought he could see past what I did (he thinks I cheated on him I've given up trying to convince him I didn't.) I really thought we were going to be ok. He gave me so much hope, he wouldn't tell me he loved me and said he cant say it again yet. Fine. I asked him what it felt like to be at home he said normal and good.
Last night/today he's said we can only be friends.
He tried to make me eat today and I felt so ill because I've barely eaten. He said he's coming round for dinner tomorrow. He's confusing me SO MUCH. I know he loves me I know he wants to be with me its obvious by the way sunday night when he was going all I said was, babe pleease, please stay and he did.
All the hope and good feelings that had started to come back at the weekend have been ruined, I feel so depressed again, not waking up with him is the worst part and I cry myself to sleep hugging his pillows because he isn't here. Having had him back for 2 nights makes it even worse. He said he thought he could which is why he stayed but he can't.
I darent change the bed linin for not having his smell next to me while I'm trying to sleep.
I'm a mess.
I'm so sorry to post after such a long time and for the length of this post if you read it all I'd be suprised. I feel so awful. I know I hurt him but (not trying to sound childish) he hurt me first. I reacted badly. I feel guilty but I can't live without him I really can't. He has helped me through SO many issues and made me the happiest girl I ever thought I could be. And now I feel worse than I think I ever have felt because all the old issues ae oming back without him by my side.
I miss him. Im in tears right now I don't even know how I'm typing.
I love him I need him I miss him. Oh god I really can't do this.
Help me.
Gemma xx
Last edited by .lost.the.tin.can. : 04-05-2008 at 03:15 PM.
Reason: change title
i am so soryr you are having to go thru this sweetie, *hugs* i think that if u were to talk to him and explain =how confused you feel he may be open and honest back, if not then i'n not so sure sweetie,
We do talk to be fair to him, at the minute the reason I'm finding it so hard is I can't let go I know that. I am always open with my feelings to him and even now I'm one of the only people he can be open with, it's just so confusing. I can't figure out why he won't come back when he says he loves me and wants to be with me and wants to come over and see me before and after work. It makes NO sense. And it's hurting so much. I hate the word single. I never used to I was fine being single, until I met him and now the idea of being single, not having him it's just not right. He walked out on me and I made a mistake. I'm kicking myself for it I know its the thing standing in the way I just - I don't even know I can't possibly be making any sense.
Thanks hun. For eading and caring :)
Eeee he just rang me and my hearts gone all horrible and bumpy. He's coming over for half hour before work. I have to stop pushing him, I know that. But oh god...
is it because of the mistake he wont get back together ith you? in all honesty am not entirely sure what to advise, just follow your heart, if it's meant to be it will happen, theres an old saying, if you love something set it free, if they come back to you its meant to be..
You need to talk to him and let him know how is behaviour is affeecting you. It's not fair on you that he keeps coming over and sleeps with you if he has no intention of getting back with you. Tell him how confused your feeling over the whole situation. Say you sorry for the mistake and that's what it was - a mistake. Did you tell him the whole story of that night? How the landlord was giving you free drinks? In all honesty I don't think you are to blame for the mistake - it seems clear that you weren't in the right mind to be making desicions like that and if you were sober/less drunk you would have continued to say no. Surely he can understand that??
I hope things work out well for you in the end and if he doesn't want to get back with you it will hurt like hell at first but slowly over time the pain will ease and you be happy again.
He says drunk is no excuse and yes I have told him but when he was still being nasty and angry he said I knew what I was doing, that I went into that pub knowing...tbh I haven't dared bring it up again now we are talking I just want him back, no more arguements with him about it.
I have spoke to him and he knows which is why now he won't even hug or kiss me let alone sleep with me. I guess that shows he cares and doesn't want to hurt me but tbh I have this notion that if we act normal things will be ok...maybe not. I don't want to lose him altogether so friends is better than nothing but I just can't bare being in the same room as him and not being allowed to touch him.
Rent is due tomorrow and I have NOTHING for her, I haven't dared ring her yet, got no clue what to say. I can't move back home I just can't, a lot of my problems stem from living with my parents and now I've left I can't go back. Not only have I lost the only person I have ever truely loved I'm going to lose my freedom and I can't deal with all of it in one go. I want to cut so so badly. I know it won't help me get him back or pay the rent but - I don't even know.
I'm also scared that if I start doing it again he will think it's me trying to force him back, so he has to look after me - and it really isn't like that...everything is such a MESS.
I'm not allowed to be happy. The on time everything goes right all at once and I lose it all at once too. I feel that's proof I'm just not allowed to be happy.
He's coming round for dinner tonight, that is if I didn't just scare him off crying down the phone and shouting at him about the rent.
I TEXT my landlady because he won't ring her and I daren't even talk to her right now cause I can't stop crying. TEXT. I'm so out, she's gonna kick me out and I'm gonna have to go back home and all my stuff, I don't even KNOW what I'll do with it. And I will lose my freedom and everything.
Oh god I'm such a mess, I was tidying the flat but now I haven't got the energy again and I'm at work in 2 hours.
God sakes I'm a pathetic heap I don't know what he saw in me in the first place, it's no wonder he doesn't wanna be with me anymore. Or come back to me when I'm being so stupid.
I don't think he hates you hun, by the sounds of it he still cares for you, he's just not sure about a relationship.
Can't write much at the mo as I'm at work and manager has just come in. Your landlord shoud understand, try to calm yourself down then call her if you can.
Well, he's not coming for dinner anymore.
Im gutted and pissed off.
I've had a right bad day at work. Crying arguing with my supervisor who shouted at me so I told him he can't talk to me like that - fireworks, brilliant!
Then as I'm leaving work I ring boyfriend person to see if he's on his way to flat and he says no he's not coming but he will talk to me in the morning for a coupl hors before I go to work.
I've had a text back of landlady saying, no thats not good enough, youve known for a week and havent contacted me, I want all of the money it's only your second month!
I havent replied yet - I daren't to be honest. I feel like screaming YEAH A WEEK BUT I'VE BEEN A MESS. The first thing on my mind when my boyfriend left me wasn't about ringing you to sort out the rent it was the PAIN IN MY HEART.
So I am screwed. Utterly buggared.
And now the cat is whining for food - so I shall have to go feed her and try and eat something myself I think. Then I might go to the pub. Screw it.
Have you got any money at all you can give the landlord? Can you tell her you were left in an awkward situation and have spent the last wwk trying to sort it out so she can have her money. You ex should still pay 3 weeks worth of the rent and the rest of his bills. When I split up with my ex I had still had to pay my months rent and bills and the last place I was at text me a month after I moved out as I bill had come I needed to pay for as I was still living there for part of it. Although he has signed all bills to your name who's name in the tenancy in? If his name is on there he is responsible for his half not you so talk to him about it. Also did you put down a deposit? Could you ask the landlady to take it out of that?
I know it's hard but I think it might be an idea to ring her.
If you end up having to move out do you have somewhere you can go? Could you look for a bedsit in your area which will be cheaper than a flat??
I'm going to ring her after work today. When I've had a chance to ring around a few places. He's been here this morning, and oh my god it was so hard. He's ringing round to find some money while I'm at work, he has none either because he has to ay rent where he's moved into now. I offered her £100 out of the £400 and said I'd give her the rest within the week and she said no. I know I'm going to have to talk to her but I don't know what to say. Apparantly she has said to my ex that even though his name is on the tenancy she won't put it on him, but that's a personal thing because she was cheated on and all he has said to her is I slept with someone else. I shldn't have to explain the whole thing to her it should be proffesional not personal but I will tonight when I ring her. Because his name IS on the tenancy and I can't afford it on my own. It's not fair for her to side with him because she thinks I cheated.
This is such a screwed up situation.
I'm tired. I know I have to go to work but I don't want to. I already had 4 days off last week and now I feel no better, if not worse because I am losing my home as well - I just don't even know what to do or how to cope.
Is there anything legally that says she can kick me out without a few days or whatever to find somewhere else?
I don't think there are any bedsits around stapleford...I'm gonna have to start looking into it today. I'm going to have to start on my own, me and the cat. If he ever wants to come abck to me he is more than welcome but I can't go home and I can't lose my independence just because he has left me - I'm NOT moving back with my parents. Not a chance.
Thanks for your support guys, it does mean a lot. I wish there was an easy way round this, I wish I knew how to cope. The temptation to cut, especially now I know me and my ex aren't gonna be sleeping together so he won't notice as long as it's not on my arms - it's unbearable. Totally unbearable. I have only ever used that to cope and now I don't know what to do. I thought I had him to help me but I don't anymore. He might have helped me deal with some issues but right now I feel like I have gone back to square one.
Everyone, even him, tells me I am strong and I can cope without him - he even said, he has seen so much come from me since we have been together that he knows I will be ok on my own -
I'm sure he's right and you can cope by yourself. It will just take some getting used to.
You could try a flat/house share - gumtree.com, flatmateclick.co.uk and spareroom.com are useful website. I used them when I had to move.
I don't know if there is anything legally she has to go by if she wants you to leave but it should be in your contract somewhere and is normally a month.
Once she knows the situation she might be more helpful. I agree though it is meant to be a professional relationship you have with her but unfortunately things can happen in our personal lives that affect out professional ones.
Well I am going to the bank in the morning to see if they can help at all and my ex is finally agreeing to ring her once I've been to the bank. And he also realises that as painful as it might be for both of us, if he takes the spare room it's the most obvious solution to the problem atm. I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow to really know whats going on.
Thanks you SO much for your support it really is kinda helping me out. Don't get me wrong I have friends who are all being really good over it, and my manager ust gave me a weeks holiday and said if things are no better and I'm still unable to work I can have another week straight after...which I might just take for the break even if things are sorted out. Before I go back I need to not be falling all over the place like a maniac lol. I'm gonna use this time to sot out a new job if I can and if she lets me keep the flat, then to tidy it and clean, because since he left me I haven't exactly done anything to it.
And if she doesn't then at least I have time off work to move lol.
Oh I really am not laughing about this situation but I have to start putting a braver face on if I am going to get through it.
I'm also going to dig out the contract tomorrow and have a proper read through it. So I know my options. And might ring the helpline at work because they give free lega advice to employees and might be able to help a lot.
He told me he didn't love me and said these tears are because you know it's over now don't you?
And I just cried more.
And he was SO nice to me and I LVE HIM SO MUCH.
But that night I got so drunk I was an idiot in the pub while he was at work.
And he rang me the next day and said that proves we can't be friends.
I said no, it proves that I am not over you and was too drunk to know what I was saying or doing.
That proves that when someone you love says they dont love you anymore it HURTS.
I can't take the slient treatment anymore. Last night he stood at the bar next to me, with his back to me and spoke to everyone around
me people I was talking to, and ignored me completely.
I'm so sorry but something happened with me and Gaz last night. I thought I would tell you before someone else did.
She has been there for both of us this whole time. even tried to get us back together.
She promised me nothing would happen.
He's just been round to 'explain'
He says nothings else will happen YET. How can he be thinking about a relationship already? AND HOW CAN SHE HOW DDDAAAAREEE SHE. When she knows what he has put me through and how he has left me. And the way he treated me after we broke up and she hated him for it and NOW ITS FINE because she might be with him instead.
I SWEAR I WANT TO KILL HER.
Unfortunatly all I could do when he was here was hug him and cry. Not really showing my strength there lol.
I can't even breathe.
How can they do this?
SHES MY FRIEND. Or she was. She really can **** off now.
I love him so much, why can't I hate him? I said this morning while I was round my mates, I HATE HIM I HATE HIM, even on the phone, just now to another friend, I hate him.
But as soon as I see him.
I fall apart and want him back. How stupid am I?!!
He rang the bell and my ehart just went crazy. He walked in and I was shaking from anger but as soon as we started talking. I just cried and grabbed him for a hug.
PATHETTTTIIICC.
I ****ing hate myself. I really do.
Idiot.
Everyone tells me how strong I am but I raelly really am not.
Hang in there hun. Things may seem sh*t at the moment but I promise you it will get better. Use the supports of your friends (your real ones) Meet up with them, go shopping or to the pub. Is there a different pub you can go to where he wont be? It will be harder for you to get used to being without him if your not constantly seeing him. I know it's hard and it hurts like hell but it will be better.
As for your 'friend' kissing him that was just out of order. Can you hang around with other friends that don't hang around with her? If they do get together as horrible as it will be they deserve each other and I believe you are strong enough to cope with it.
it's always hard when you loose someone so special to you. and it's even harder when they send you on an emotional rollercoaster afterwards; giving you hope then quickly ripping it from you. i really feel for you, and understand how it feels. i hope you can stay strong and move on soon. take care. xxxx
He said we would still be friends.
Unfortunatly he can't stand having me in the pub when he is at work and unfortunatly all my friends drink or work in his pub.
Went out last night, to a different town and everything but still ended up back at that pub cause we had gone out with the landlady. He ignored me again and I aked what was up, I was being very civil and friendly and not over emotional and considering I was drunk I was impressed with myself.
Until he said he can't be my friend. AGAIN. Then I had a little tear outside with a friend, but not sobbing or anything.
And I finished my drink and left and said goodbye. I did go for a hug but he pulled away. It hurt.
I have to stop putting myself through this. I just don't want to lose him completely.
I have sent my cat to my mum and dads for a few days so that I can start packing my stuff and cleaning the flat. Also then if the landlady decides to come round - no cat which is a bonus.
I haven't spoken to her yet I'm hoping I can disappear before she gets in contact. But there is so much to sort out. I'm worried.
And I am going to the council in the morning and saying my parents are letting me home for no longer than a couple of weeks.
This is such a mess. I am so tired of this. So tired.
I havent been sober for more than an hour a day.
They are now a couple.
Can you believe it?
Not just that but when I move out my ex and his brother are taking over my flat!! HE WOULDNT GIVE ME MONEY SO I HAD TO MOVE OUT AND NOW HE IS MOVING BACK IN?!!
AND
excuse me but how dare he bring that girl into this flat, in our room and our bed??? ?>???>WF$MJ ggu gugugl lfyl f y
This is not going well. I went in for my review at work drunk.
And I havent gone yet this morning. But thats because I'm going to the doctors. See if he'll sign me off for stress or depression or whatever.
Because to be honest I can barely get out of bed now let alone walk down the street on my own. Im too scared I will see him and her. It makes me sick. I could kill her. And him. But her...my GOD I HATE HER.
