I thought i was getting better but things seem to be getting harder.
I told the psych again yesterday that all i want from her is to help me kill myself.
Im really frightened. Im petrified of life, i guess because i see none for myself.
My cutting, although minor compared to my usual standards is getting deeper and deeper and the thurst for pain is getting stronger too.
I dont know how to ask for help. I think this is one of the hardest posts ive ever made. Its taken me about a week to do so.
I just cant see a future that doesnt have me failing and suffering.
I know everything there is to know about how i want to kill myself.
Yet the worst torment of all is that im terrified of dying. That has to be the cruelest hand of all to be dealt.
Im in Hell. Complete hell here.
Im trying to be funny and silly. Im slowly dying again.
tears of a clown...............
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I'm so sorry that you're struggling so much right now, but it's good you've managed to make a post.
Is your psych not trying to do anything more to help you with the way you're feeling at the moment?
You say you're petrified of life, is it possible you felt yourself feeling a little better and that scarede you because getting 'better' means that you'll have to face life, whatever life is. What is it about life that terrifies you and how come you don't see one for yourself?
I guess i'm not being all that helpful but i just wanted to remind you of what a wonderful person you are and how much you mean to so many people., who will all be here to support you through difficult times.
Love and hugs,
Tabby x
The world is an interesting place when everyone you know has their own realities
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
Posting here is an awesome first step.
I'm going to suggest to you the awesome advice that you gave me - maybe you could print out what you have written here and bring it to your psych?
I think that the progression of your SI is a reflection of how horrible you are feeling right now - it is the way that you are trying to hold on, the only way you know of dealing with pain right now. But you're also finding that it isnt that effective in the long-term and you need more right now. It's okay to ask for help - we all need it sometimes. You will get through this. The most important thing is to be honest and open and let help in. If you arent ready to tell your psych everything, tell your friends or family or whoever you feel most comfortable with. Keep posting here and we will cheer you on!
GO MATTHEW!!! YOU CAN DO IT!! YES YOU CAN!! YAAAY!!!!
Matthew
oh god, i am a litle drunk riht now, so replying would be silly
but, i have a coherent reply to come
and my lveo to send you now
you are
the world to me
Life seems so horrible and nasty when things are going wrong and you don't feel in control, but there will come a time- one day- that the fear of tomorrow, the fear of life itself will start to ease.
I can understand the fear of dying, a while ago I was desperate to get out but I was scared of it too. I'm so pleased I've got that fear now, its kept me alive. At the moment its more of a problem to you than a help but hopefully this will turn it around.
Just remember suicide cant solve everything, it would hurt too many people. You're a fab guy, so wise, you can tell people here so much and help us so much. You deserve an amazing, happy life. Hang on in there- i'm sure that will come to you.
Chin up.. stay safe
Miriam xxx
Sweet Matthew,
I feel im letting you down big time and I am so sorry.
You have been so open and honest and thoughtful and kind in your replies to me. I just wanted to you to know that I have read your post and that I care deeply about you and I wish in some way I could help.
I have dug deep and come up with nothing. I have no words of wisdom.
All I can offer you is that you are in my thoughts, you can have my hugs and love if it will help you at all.
Please, please take care of you in any way you can
xx rowie xx
well done on gettting your true feelings out,
i understand how hard that must have been for you.
im sorry i have no better advice or words of comfort but like has been said, maybe print out your posts to show your psych?
wow matt, i hate seeing you so low, you have been so supportive to me and i feel awful that i cant return the favour, but just know that im sending you ALL my love, *hugs* and hopes that this will soon lift from you even just a little.
please try to stay safe little penguin
much love
xxxlily
i dont have any words that will help and im sorry. youve been here before and gotten through, so you know you CAN get through this, if thats any consolation. will be thinking of you... much love. xx
My psych is really good actually. she of course wont entertain the thought of helping me kill myself. Its testament to her that i can be so open with her.
We speak alot about my self hatred. Trying to get to the root cause of it. Its probably the strongest and deepest emotion i possess. It can overpower and destroy pretty much anything put infront of it. Its the cause of my Self harm. Its not so much a release but me outwardly starting to destroy myself.
She helps me see this a little. However there is still a piece missing that ties everything together. I guess this is the same for many of us here: trying to find that missing link.
meh waffle sorry.
thanks again. You are all dead lovely
xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Matthew you hun, i'm sorry dont have many words today but wanted to offer you a *massive hugs* Keep opening up to her keep being honest and in time the answers will come to you....sometimes it's takes awhile before the real reasons come into view.
*hugs you*
Matthew, Littlelost for words at the min so i may ramble, but you should be used to that by now.
You are getting better!! Not so long ago, you where OD'in everday. You wouldnt think of the future, you wouldnt think past the following 10mins. Your scared of living, at least this show that you are considering living. That you are planning ahead. This is hard!! This will take some getting used to!!! But you can plan ahead. You have a future. (its bright and orange )
The stopping cutting isnt important at the min. As my psych says (yeah i can say that now thanks to you!!) There is no right or wrong way of coping. Just be careful. If your going extreme and noticing it, then you know it isnt working and perhaps its time to explore some new methods, safer methods, better methods that work!!
Stoping being so hard on yourself. Stop spending your psych sessionstrying to convince her to do something you know she wont do!! Start focusing on what she can do, teach you ways to cope and how to be happy and t get to the route of whats going on!!!
*hugs*
And i did prewarn you about the ramble.
Take care hun
You know where i am.
I'm sorry, I don't really have anything to say but I really hope you feel better soon...and I know it's hard to ask for help or to wrie posts like this but doesn't it feel better to let it out? It helps.
"...that incremental suicide of turning your life into a dream, to make being awake as similar to sleep as possible. Drowsily, lazily, dry-mouth your way through the day's ceremonies, fumble your way back into the dew-bather you never really left, draped in brown, brown now all around, the haze!" - Russell Brand on drug addiction.
"Si ma êkh gûndo piyiamásko...ándo bírto barruno. Bírto, bírto barruno."
all i could manage was a hug thing because i think i'm experiencing the same thing.
Gather experience. . . Look at what you should not look at. A feeling of anxiety is the sure and certain evidence that you should do this -Clive Barker
I've never understood why people consider youth a time of freedom and joy. It's probably because they have forgotten their own- Margeret Atwood
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