Triggering (SI) - Still hurting inside

[iriedanym]

It's become a ritual now. Every few days, things just bog me down and before I can think to use skills to distract or deal with distress, I've got a sharp object in my hand. Today it was looking at how my previous shallow cuts are healing, and I felt numb. I know I'm punishing myself for things that can't be helped. I'm frustrated because even a week looks like a long time, let alone trying to go a month free.

It's as if I don't feel okay until I see the blood beads on my arm, even though I am shaking and feel like I am going to get sick. I cleaned the cuts with antiseptic, and they're shallow enough not to require a trip to the hospital. That's not the point though. The point is that I'm mad at myself again and frustrated and plain out scared. I know I'm not alone in feeling like the world is crushing down upon the shoulders.

Just want to feel safe with myself again. That's not too much to ask, is it?

[Poisonous]

I know it's hard. And the feeling when you want to stop so bad that that exact feeling makes you SI again.
But there is hope. You'll make it someday if you keep trying.
You're not alone it this.Try going out with friends when you feel down,that might cheer you up.or just calling them just to distract yourself.I know it's hard at first,but I know you can do it,it's not easy but you can proove yourselfe you're that more stronger.
Did you talk to any of your friends about how you feel?It might make you feel better if you talk to a close friend(someone in real life,not just on forums).
We're here for you too though*hugs*