Forgive me if I have not labeled this right. This is my first post, besides the intro one, so if it is wrong, please correct me. I am not sure what I am looking for, support, guidance, but I just feel like complete crap. I thought yuck details it well. I had 3 years in with no cutting and cut yesterday. I thought maybe it would just be that, but I felt so better yesterday and all day long today I kept looking at my upper arm and thinking well that is not even red enough. It is not angry enough. I want more, so much more. I can't let this happen. I can not go back to this. I just can not believe how much like an addiction this really is. I thought just once and I would feel better and I won't want to do it anymore, but I want to so bad and I am so scared. I guess I was just looking for advice, if any one has some on how to stop a full fleged relapse into cutting all the time and not being able to stop.
hey suzie,
listen i am there. I had 2 1/2 years and then things got bad and i thought 1 cut i will be fine and thwen i can startover again with my no cutting time. well thats not what happened. i cut that one time and i felt sooo much better, but like you i was like this is nothing i want it be worse. i held off for a few more days but i just kept thinking about how much better that one cut had made me feel and how i would just cut but superficially till i felt like i could go with out it again. thats not what happened it took only a little over 5 weeks and i was even more addicted and cutting much worse than i had ever been or done in the 15 years prior. i got so bad that i had a bad converstion on this web site with a mean memeber i cut over it and nearly died cause i hit an artery. i am currently so wrapped in it that i cant even make a day right now w/o it. i try and try and try and i am so misserable during the time im not cutting that i wish i was dead. please if you have just made the first cut in 3 years and feel like this now imagine how much you will want it if you do it again before you know it you will be right back where you were before you stopped if not worse and it will take only a fraction of the time it took before to get right back into the addiction. please if you have a councelor talk to her/him tell them what you ahve done how you feel and that you dont want to end right back into the same addiction. As i said i am held even tighter now by this addiction than i was before i quit. My heart and prayers are with you hun.
Hey, welcome to RYL! That's great that you went three years without cutting! That truly is an accomplishment. Relapsing is normal, and it does not at all mean that you've failed. You can beat this. Since you said you've been thinking that you're arm isn't red enough, maybe you could try drawing on it with a red marker? That helps some people. You've probably seen these types of lists before, but here's the link in case you haven't- they have a lot of ways to avoid SI'ing. The one that I've found that works best is the fifteen minute game, but that's just me. Actually, I'm sorry, but now that we've moved to v3 I can't find the list, however I'll look for it and get back to you :) Is there anything specific that triggered it? If there is, I find that writing everything down to sort through my thoughts helps enormously. You can get through this! *hugs*
The following content has been hidden - Reason : trigger?
I won't be on RYL much right now because I'm REALLY triggered, but I'm safe... so don't worry...
Here's a link to a page with things to distract yourself with... I know that there's a list of ways to beat the urges somewhere too. Once again, you've probably already heard this, but you could try telling yourself that you can SI in 15 minutes, and then when the time is up, you would realize that you just went for 15 minutes without SI'ing so you can go for another 15 minutes... or hopefully something will distract you and you'll forget about SI'ing for the moment. Also, depending on what mood you're in, you could do something soothing like lighting scented candles, or taking a bath, or going on a walk, or if you're angry you could punch something that's soft/nonliving or scream or listen to loud music. I hope that helps!
I'm sorry you cut again and I really relate to your post. I think we all feel a bit like that after we cut again as well. But you did SO well in not cutting for 3 years so try to focus on that. Think of the pros and cons, why life is better without si and how I'm sure you don't want to go back to that. Please try and stay safe, you can beat this. We all have slip ups and I know it's so easy to give in and say well I've done it now so I may as well keep doing it, but try your best not to cos like you say it's an addiction and you don't want to get addicted again. Take care.
oh you all are so nice. I heart you all. I did cut again last night, but I am going to try really hard to not tonight, by using all of your suggestions. I am glad I found this place.
hey suzie,
