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What the hell is wrong with me?
Why? Why am I like this? I can't even describe to you how horrible I feel. There are so many things that I am stressed and worried about right now. I'm wound up so tight. I can't control it. I can't get a hold of myself. Why am I so hard on myself?
Why did I feel that I had to prove myself today? It just made everyone think I had a big head. This is ridiculous. Just because I may get the job. I pushed myself today...hard. Everyone thought it was because I was being arrogant about it, but it wasn't that. It was to prove to myself that I could do it. I honestly didn't even think about the arrogance, and when Scott told me that he thought I was doing it for that reason, I almost lost it.
I did it because I don't have enough confidence. I don't feel right anymore. Maybe Kasey's right. Maybe I have turned into this shell of my old self. I only did it because I had to. I had to in order to survive. Even now, It's so hard to keep the balance. Where do I start caring? Where do I stop? I don't even know. I truly hate myself.
I hate myself so much. I'm not worth shit. No matter how hard I try I'm not worth shit. Damn it. I hate this. She has no idea how hard I've tried...Kasey nor Margaret. Neither of them realize how hard it is to maintain my sanity. Something that I feel should come easy. It just turns into something else to beat myself up over. I just turn against myself.
How do I manage? How? I'm only human. I worry too much about things. Why?? Why? It's so difficult. That's me, mister insecurity. I'm just fucked up. That's the only explanation. This world would do just fine without me. Maybe better. What's keeping me here....?
What? Sigh. I know what. But.... it's so hard to hold on... so hard.
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