Possibly Triggering - A poem for my girlfriend (critique?)

[sicknessdollie]

Now, I know i'm not a great poet, but I wanted to write her this, since she's been feeling down and I just want her to know how much I love and care for her....

Any critique or suggestions would be very appreciated! :)


When I look into your eyes
I realize what underlies
When I breathe you in
I feel happiness within
When I hear your voice tell me "I love you"
I know we'll make it through

But still it hurts me to know
That you feel so sad
And it hurts me to know
That you feel so bad

I just want you to know
I'll always be here for you
As long as you don't make me go
And no matter what, through
-anything.
I'll always love you

Thanks in advance for any thoughts you might have about this poem. <3

[Caru y Nos]

The only criticism i have is that that 'bullshit' just stands out too much. Try another word for lies which isn't as forcefull on the eye. But, i'm no poet (though there's one person who begs to differ) :P So just ignore this pointless post which will just bump you thread ;]

[sicknessdollie]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Domicile of Madness

The only criticism i have is that that 'bullshit' just stands out too much. Try another word for lies which isn't as forcefull on the eye. But, i'm no poet (though there's one person who begs to differ) :P So just ignore this pointless post which will just bump you thread ;]

Yeah, I was thinking about that earlier. Thank you. :]

[sicknessdollie]

Poem modified majorly... :)

[Caru y Nos]

I actually thiink thats pretty much as good as it can get now. Its brill :D

[sicknessdollie]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Domicile of Madness

I actually thiink thats pretty much as good as it can get now. Its brill :D

Aww, thanks so much. :) <3

[xfallenangelx]

i think its great, really lovely xx