Hello everybody out there in RYL world. Hope you're well, whoever is reading this. Yes you! Anyway.. Things have been pretty tough for me lately. Well firstly I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years because my feelings towards him had changed a lot and I just wasn't attracted to him anymore. The day before we broke up I kissed somebody else, too. One of our mutual friends. It was just a momentary thing, we were both just emotional and it just happened. No big deal. Of course my ex was very upset and angry by it, even though we'd broken up. His sister wrote me a really mean comment on
www.bebo.com which really, really hurt me.
"how dare you cheat on my little brother after everything he has done for you. at least now he knows wot a lying, vindictive little b*tch you really are.
well i guess i should thank you in a way since he no longer needs to worry about his psychotic, f*cked-up girlfriend. he deserves so much better than u, im just happy he finally realises that himself.
and as for cheating on him?! wot kind of person are you. well, i guess i can answer that myself. a SL*T.
i am coming up to skye next month and you had better sincerely hope you don't cross my path, because il tell you something- you wont have to worry about self harming again let me tell you.
i wont hold you bak any more, that must have been a whole minute you've gone now without attention seeking, so il now let you get bak to wot you do best.
again, good one for treating my little brother like a piece of shit, you f*cking c*nt."
It really gets to me when people think that self harm is about attention seeking. I hate being pidgeon-holed like that. I don't do it for attention, I never damn well have and I never damn well will. It's all about control over feelings, trying to feel something other than numbness for once. I self harmed really badly when my ex found out about me and our friend.. My friend had to drive me to the hospital to get it seen to because I'd cut so deep on my arm that you could see the yellowish fatty tissue underneath the skin. It was the worst I've ever done it. And the hospital staff looked down on me a lot, and kept me waiting to be seen for over half an hour, which I was severely unimpressed with. Things with me and my ex are bad. We're not speaking and he hates me, which hurts a lot because I'm hurting in this too. Things with me and the friend aren't the same anymore.. I'm hoping with all of my heart that we can get back to being close again, and I'm
so afraid that we won't. People say give it time, but how much time will it take? I don't know if I can wait forever.
My bulimia has been all over the place. I've made my sick up to ten times a day for the past few weeks. But the thing is I've not been losing weight, which is eating me up inside. Why? Why can't I just drop all of this disgusting weight now? I'm sick of being so repulsive and horrid. I just want to be dainty, delicate, pretty, thin.. All the things I never have been. I've just not been careful. I've not been getting everything up. Must try harder.. =/
My diabetes has been all over the place too. I found out at my latest check up that my bad control has resulted in my right eye slightly deteriorating. F'ing brilliant, huh? They said not to worry, but how can I not?!
I SH'd today for the first time since my friend took me to hospital the last time.. It's not deep, but it's large. It's a lot of different cuts coming together to make an image. A large S-shape with very curly spiraly bits at the ends. Then there's small lines going across the main S, so it sort of looks like stitches. I think it looks beautiful when I look at it, but I hate why I did it, and what caused me to do it. The way I hate myself and needed to punish myself for gaining.
I don't know what this thread was for. Just sort of putting an update out there. And maybe asking for a few hugs..?
If you've gotten this far, thank you, and congratulations! Here's a bunch of flowers *
holds out flowers* =)
Xoxo
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