Im vengeful of me and nothing else
Im here because I deserve to be in this hellish place
Its me
Its my fault
I am to blame
I am a little *****
This isnt going anywhere
oh I can pretend all is well when im being ripped apart inside
The pain is immense and yet that smile is there on my face when needed
Well,
Ive had enough of living like that
Ive had enough of being me
Ive had enough of just being........drifting painfully through life
Its hell
Its torture
AND IM NOT DOING IT ANYMORE!!
I WILL FIND A WAY....MY WAY, NOT THEIRS......I WILL FIND MY WAY OUT OF THIS HELL FOR ONCE AND ALL.......END OF...NOTHING ELSE TO ADD
BASICALLY IM ONE EVIL LITTLE **** THAT DESERVES TO DIE
XX
All i can say is "your way" is what has gotten you here. Its time that you try their way. Its time that you stop the fight. Its time you take the meds, you take the support, you take the advice and you take each day as it comes.
If you disappear there isnt alot we can do. If you disappear you will hurt more people than you could ever imagine.
If you stay then there are people here and in your life who are willing to stick with you and walk beside you. They wont be doing this out of pity or guilt. They wil be doing it out of love. There are alot of people that love you. If you go you will break each and every heart. Mine will be included.
Love
Matthew xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
1. You are a good person
2. You deserve better then pain
3. You belong here ...especially here
4. You deserve to live
Please stay here. We would like to help and support you as much as we can. Please stop fighting the things that are going to help you. I agree with Matthew that it was your way that you into the bad place you're in...you can keep portions of your way...they're not trying to change who you are inside...they're just trying to make you better. We will try to help too. You can win the fight to feel better. Please stay safe.
Matthew said:All i can say is "your way" is what has gotten you here. Its time that you try their way. Its time that you stop the fight. Its time you take the meds, you take the support, you take the advice and you take each day as it comes.
If you disappear there isnt alot we can do. If you disappear you will hurt more people than you could ever imagine.
If you stay then there are people here and in your life who are willing to stick with you and walk beside you. They wont be doing this out of pity or guilt. They wil be doing it out of love. There are alot of people that love you. If you go you will break each and every heart. Mine will be included.
He is a wise little penguin and he speaks the truth.
Rowie please accept the help you fully deserve and stay safe
*hugs*
xxxlily
........I pinned any hope of recovery on being admitted to hospital.
It was somewhere I feared going but knew it would save me.
It had to be special because every time my doctor referred me, I would be turned away....I wasnt deserving enough to be admitted at that time.
Fifth time lucky, to find out that the place I had pinned all my hopes on cant help me.
Four weeks. Increased venlafaxine. Increased chlorpromazine. Mirtazapine.
It hasnt helped but they dont want to take me off the drugs incase I become worse.
SO WHAT NOW?
I need a psychologist, but they dont have one to offer me on the NHS.
But then Ive been told that 3 years of talking hasnt helped me so whats the point anyway?
THERE IS NOTHING LEFT.
There is nothing left for me to pin my hopes on
They cant help
They cant help me, no one can....SO WHAT NEXT??
Hell....I am so fvcking low my nose is on the ground
Ive had to take my meds properly for the past four weeks and it still hasnt made a bloody difference.
Its all just ****........there is nothing.
Do you understand me?
Please?
THERE IS NOTHING OUT THERE FOR ME!!
please excuse me....but DAMNIT rowie!!!!!
i love you. everyone here loves you. everyone at your home loves you. it is YOU who doesnt love yourself. now lets get back up and go again!!!!! sure, youve been through ****. sure, you feel like no one can help you. i understand all that, i promise. ive been doing this **** for a long time. but we gotta keep going!!! i have a son. you have 3 children!!! for the love of THEM we gotta keep going. if you cant love yourself yet, then love your babies!!! i know you do. i know you do. im afraid for you is all. i love you to pieces and dont want to lose you.
*rant over*
you know me rowie bird...im not angry at you. i just tend to get a little over excited about things, lol. i just want you to stick around LIFE for a while ok?
i love you.
xx
Rowie how in gods name do you expect a couple of weeks in hospital to heal a lifetime of hurt? How do you expect that after ALL this time taking you meds for FOUR weeks is gonna miraculously make it all go away?
Ive taken my meds properly for months and months and it still takes a long time. Ive been on lots too.
The hospital HAS saved you. Its saved you from possibly killing yourself. But its also shown you some reality. Do you remember talking to me on MSN about 6 months ago. I told you then that even if you took your meds properly and you got counselling and all the help that it would still take many months for you to heal? Well my dear, as ANYONE here and they will tell you it takes time. ALOT of time at that.
Rowie our medication histories are quite similar. I was put on MirtazPINE AFTER eFFEXOR TOO.(oops caps sorry). Things got a little better and then went worse. Finally i was put on Lofepramine. Its one of the oldest Ad's. Its finally started to bring me out of this ****.
OOOOH boy its hard Rowie. heh its really tough coming out of it and its scary as hell. But if i can do it then so can you!
I got NOTHING to live for. You have a family!
This is NOT then end. THIS IS THE BEGINNING!
Do you think we are all lying to you? do you think we are just saying this to placate you and shut you up? Or do you think its from the heart because we have been there and we believe it?
Things WILL get better. Im telling you thought that its going to take a long time to get to the stage where you can say i Feel good! Longer than you think! But you WILL get there.
Matthew xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
...for your replies. Please dont get me wrong. I really appreciate them.
But, I know some of you have been where I am now, some of you still are....and Im sorry for that.
But I know that each one of you is aware of that feeling of being swamped, that feeling of no way out, that feeling that nothing else can help you, that no one can hear you, that feeling of despair, that feeling of its what you deserve................
When like that....no words...nothing.....nothing will make a difference to how you feel, to the actions you may be thinking of.
What then? What do you do when youre told talking wont help, that medication isnt helping.....what then?? What other help is there?? THERE ISNT ANY!!
Yes, I do feel all is lost, that its all hopeless, that this is my lot now. I just dont know how to cope with my Lot. Its becoming harder and harder each day not to do something.
Thats all.
I love you and appreciate your words
Maybe whilst I feel this way it would be better for me to keep a low profile and to stay away rather than being a difficult and triggering selfish bitch
if you remember only one thing then try to remember this:
THIS IS THE ILLNESS TALKING!
ITS AN ILLUSION! A PACK OF LIES!
Let the docs and the psychs and your family carry on doing what they are doing. You go with the flow. YOU WILL HAVE CLARITY AGAIN! Just a moment is all it takes! Then you will see! TRUST ME!
xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I feel something is going on and my body isnt telling me what it is.
It will let me know when its ready and not beforehand. Thats where the spontaneity comes in. The dangerous side of things.
I just wish it would let me in as I know something is going on that im not privileged to yet. But I know I will be either later today or maybe tomorrow. It will eat away at me, growing as it goes along its merry way.
****, I am feeling so out of sorts. Nope, that doesnt even begin to describe how im feeling.....dnagerous, vague, bursting, left out, inquisitive, desperate and so very very alone in all of this.
More than anything I am so scared. I know this feeling.
I want to run away from all of this.
I dont want it anymore.
I just dont want to be.
