I can feel myself getting worse. before I came to college, I rarely cut ever, I mean, I had all my stuff laid out on my nighttable so when it did happen it wouldn't get infected, but I rarely ever cut. I came to college, and at first I didn't that much, and then I started once a week, and then I was up to once a day, and then more than once a day. I was carrying tacks to cut between classes. and first it was just a few cuts, and then it was words, and now its words and complete annihilation of my upper arm. I did it again last night and I feel like such an arse for it. I had talked to my only friend up here about it before we hung out, how I had been wanting to cut but hadn't for about a week (only because last time I drew a lot of blood and the scars hadn't come off yet and I don't like messing with scabs, too much scarring) and she asked me not to (she has Trich so she knows where I'm coming from). And I went back to my dorm that night and my exboyfriends band was playing on my laptop and my roommate was asleep and my tacks were right there and I just couldn't stop myself. I ended up drawing more blood then than I did the last time. and I just feel like such an arse because she had been struggling this week with her eyelashes and I was trying to be strong for her because I love her and I couldn't. and I cut up my forearm and I NEVER cut up my forearm, it scares me. I'm thin and pale and can see all my veins in that part and when I cut there it scares me, so losing control and cutting there just really freaked me out. I don't want to lose control again and on accident do something that will have really bad consequences.
I apologize, that was long and rambly, but I just don't know what else to do at this point. I don't really have anyone to talk to up here aside from M. and she has her own problems. I feel like a pain when I bother her about mine. -_-"
if I need more labels let me know, I'm a bit of a newb and don't really know what qualifies as what.
-Piph
"Journeys end in lovers meeting,
Every wise man's son doth know."
Twelfth Night (II, iii, 44-45)
Hiya there im very sorry that your having such a difficult time right now. *Gives you a big hug* Everything will be ok, i know that what your going through isnt easy but it doesnt mean that you cant get through this. Could you talk to us about what it is thats made you feel like this? (If you have one) have you spoken to your counseller how your feeling? Im so sorry for the pain that your going through. Im really sorry that you slipped up. Could you talk to us about what it was that lead you to harm yourself? Slipping up is part of recovery and we all have slip ups but this does not mean that you have failed and that you should give up on recovery. Please take things a day at a time.
You can get through this please dont give up please keep fighting through this. Things wont be like this forever, things will get better. Be gentle with yourself try not to be too hard on yourself as that will only create problems. We are all here for you and we will support you for as long as you need it. We all care about you so much. I really want you to take a moment and think about how it would effect everyone around you if anything happened to you. I know its incredibly difficult when your feeling really low but we are here to support you ok. I really think that you need to talk to a proffesional form the way that you have described things i think you should go to A&E as it sounds as if you are quite unsafe.
No one wants to see you get hurt anymore than what you already are, that includes me other people here, and your friends and family. I know that things are not good for you now but they wont always be like this. Have you thought about writing down your thoughts and feelings? Its important that if you do decide to write down your thoughts and feelings that you combine both the positive things and the negative things together so that you dont end up writing down just the negative things on there own. Make sure that you keep safe, none of us want to see you get hurt any more than what you already are you dont deserve it.
Please keep distracting yourself as much as you possibly can, there are lots of things that you can try here are some of them, listening to music, doing jobs to keep you busy, watching a movie, going for a walk and posting on the fun and distractions forum. Please keep talking to us, you dont have to go through this all on your own, we are here for you. Please take care its important that you look after yourself.
Thank you, its just been really hard lately. I feel so isolated out here and recently went through a really really hard breakup (understatement of the century). I've been doing better than before. as I said, I was up to more than once a day, but have slowed down a little bit because of M. She's really been the only person I can talk to. I don't have a counselor. One can go to mental health services at my campus 6 times but after that they send you to an actual psych and those cost money that I do not have. I feel like I have to be strong for everybody, that I have to support M and try and be a good friend to everyone back home (even though they don't seem to care that much, none of them have even contacted me since the break, doesn't help much) and my mother, who doesn't even know about my SI. She'd be so upset if she found out. and so I can hold myself up for a little while but sooner or later it gets the better of me and I slip up again. and I know thats part of the process but I just feel like such a screwup everytime I do it. I've just been trying so hard and then I screw up again and just hate myself for it.
"Journeys end in lovers meeting,
Every wise man's son doth know."
Twelfth Night (II, iii, 44-45)
and everything just goes from bad to worse. I feel like its all falling apart. I keep seeing and hearing about my ex everywhere and how much fun he's having and what a fun life he's leading and the only person I can go to out here has other things to be concerned with way more than to be concerned with than me. and I just dont know what to do. it feels like no one cares. and now Im just waiting for my roommate to sleep.
"Journeys end in lovers meeting,
Every wise man's son doth know."
Twelfth Night (II, iii, 44-45)
