Triggering (OD) - So stupid and feeling really low

[Sian]

Sorry, it's me back again. I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment. I am just falling apart. I am having really bad dreams ever night and I can't sleep because of anxiety. My boyfriend is not really seeming like himself. He is always stressed, tired looking and I know it is because of me. Everyday when I see him he asks me how I am and everyday we both know I am going to say I have had a bad day. I can tell I am starting to get him down. It's the last thing I want to do.

I feel so fat and ugly all the time. It's mostly all I can think about. Even though there is a lot else going on. I am so shallow. So not worth the effort he is putting in to me.

So. I found some old meds today and I took them all and it was stupid and pointless and now I feel like ****. It wasn't even like I was trying to kill myself. I know they aren't gonna kill me, not by themselves. I just wanted ot be happy, just for one day. For him. It didn't work. It never works but the damn pills are meant to make you happy.

So now I feel so out of it, so sick, so spaced out and my stomach and chest and throat feel like they are burning and I have to act like it is all normal and all OK. And it's not. It's not.

Why can't I just be happy? I want to be happy. I wish I was dead. But I can't do that. It would hurt people. Then again, most of my friends and family I basically never get to see. They'll be upset but it's not like they are used to having me around anymore anyway. But I don't want to hurt him. But he is going to get annoyed with me and how I am sooner or later. It's already getting to him even if he says it is not. Doubt he will put up with me much longer. Then I can do what I want.

Dammit why am I even thinking this way? I thought I was over this. Why can't I just be normal and happy? Why?

Sian
xxx

[here-for-the-journey]

Sian honey you need help.
Are you getting any professional help at the moment?

[Sian]

Yeah, kind of. I have a CPN and she's great but I only see her about once a month atm. She told me to call her if I need to see her more often. I keep trying but picking up the phone and asking for help is just so hard. I am on a waiting list for psychotherapy too but I don't know how long it will be before I see someone and I am finding it so hard to hold on until then.

I don't know what to do.

Sian
xxx

[~~Kirsty~~]

Hiya you don’t have to say sorry not at all. I’m so sorry that your having such a hard time right now. *hugs* everything will be ok, I know that what your going through is not easy but it doesn’t mean that you can’t get through this. we are all here for you and care for you. You can get through this please dont give up please keep fighting through this. have you thought about writting your feelings down on paper. Please keep distracting like listening to music, going for a walk. please look after yourself and try to keep yourself safe. please to hestate to pm me if you need to talk more. xx

[Sian]

I do have some support. I live in a shared house so there are people around, including my boyfriend. The trouble is that I struggle to talk to people about how I am feeling even when I am doing OK. The more low I feel the harder it is for me to say something and ask for that support.

Writing things down is a good idea though. I do that quite a lot but I have been feeling out of it most of the day and so I didn't think to do that. I think I might now. So thank you

Sian
xxx

[here-for-the-journey]

We're here if you need us hun. Don't be ashamed of being down. It happens to the best of us at some time during our lives.

[Cazki]

Hiya there i am very sorry that your having such a difficult time right now. *Gives you a big hug* Everything will be ok, i know that what your going through isnt easy but it doesnt mean that you cant get through this. Could you talk to us about what it is thats made you feel like this? Im so sorry for the pain that your going through. This link is called How suicide effects those around you http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...ead.php?t=1405

You can get through this please dont give up please keep fighting through this. Things wont be like this forever, things will get better. Be gentle with yourself try not to be too hard on yourself as that will only create problems. We are all here for you and we will support you for as long as you need it. We all care about you so much. Ods are really dangerous i advise you to get checked out, you really should see a professional and get help for this, either by going to A&E, seeing your doctor or speaking to your cpn.

No one wants to see you get hurt anymore than what you already are, that includes me other people here, and your friends and family. I know that things are not good for you now but they wont always be like this.

Have you thought about writing down your thoughts and feelings? Its important that if you do decide to write down your thoughts and feelings that you combine both the positive things and the negative things together so that you dont end up writing down just the negative things on there own. Make sure that you keep safe, none of us want to see you get hurt any more than what you already are you dont deserve it.

Please keep distracting yourself as much as you possibly can, there are lots of things that you can try here are some of them, listening to music, doing jobs to keep you busy, watching a movie, going for a walk and posting on the fun and distractions forum. Please keep talking to us, you dont have to go through this all on your own, we are here for you. Please take care its important that you look after yourself.

Take care best wishes Ian

[Sian]

I spent most of this evening trying to do some self soothing and stuff. Which mainly involved a long soak in the bath with candles, face mask etc. It helped a little, more because it kept me busy than anything.

I can't really explain why I am feeling so desperate just now. I think it's a lot things but mainly it's just that I am hating the way I look and feel about myself at the moment. I pretty much hate me at the minute and worse than that, now it's really starting to get to my other half. He's tired and grumpy a lot at the moment which isn't like him. Earlier I finally got him to admit that this is mainly due to me.

He stays up at night worrying about me and checking to make sure I am OK, because he knows I am having anxiety and bad dreams at night. He is always reassuring me that he loves me, thinks I am pretty and so on and it's wearing him out. I hate that I am so insecure and needy right now. I never used to be. I never used to let people get close enough to me that I cared so much whether they loved me or not. I think it was easier then. When no one loved me and I didn't love them.

This is so hard right now. I've never really believed I can recover and be happy, not really. Now that I am with him though I really want to believe I can get through this, that I can make therapy work and really change things for the better. But it is just so hard and I don't think wanting to have hope and really having the hope are the same thing at all.

I just want to be happy and I don't know how to be.

Anyway, thank you for the support, it means a lot. I'm sorry for going on a bit. I'm gonna go and try to get some much needed sleep, though since I am still a bit weird feeling after earliers stupidness I don't know how likely it is that I shall get some. Hopefully I will. I'm sure a decent nights sleep will work wonders for me.

Sian
xxx

Edited to add, I would go to a&e or something but I did that last time I took an OD on the same stuff and ended up feeling seriously guilty for wasting everyone's time. The stuff I took, it can have bad affects I realise that but they aren't fatal and I just don't want to waste people's time again. Also I don't want my boyfriend to know what I have done, he's stressed enough about me as it is. I will probably tell my CPN about it when I see her next though.

[Sian]

It occurs to me that I should say thank you for the support yesterday. I'm still feeling kind of rough today but better, definitley better. So thank you so much, you guys really helped.

*huggles*
Sian
xxx