A friend just linked me to a thread about cutters on another forum, and I had a look. Amidst all the flames, and so called 'facts', were people actually posting seriously about their battles with SI.
It's amazing how one little thing can take you from feeling happy, to right down feeling like bollocks again, isn't it?
All I said in this thread was 'I used to cut; I'm almost three months free and proud of myself'. Lies. Fucking lies.
The only thing that's keeping me from cutting is the fact that my grandparents are visiting on the day I'm three months free. I don't even care about doing this for myself any more, I just want to make them happy. As soon as the day's over, I'll probably cut again.
It's a strain. It's a strain I don't fucking want. I hate seeing the flaming. It makes me want to cut even more. It makes me feel like a useless piece of ass. I am, though. I'm useless. I'm haunted by my past, which I fucking shouldn't be, because I haven't suffered nearly as much as most of the people here. We're in financial shit, and I'm barely contributing. My small incapacity benefit does fuck all, but I don't think I'm mentally ready to get a job. My housemate's out; she had a job interview which went well. What the fuck am I doing? Fuck all. We're gonna get royally screwed over, and I could've done something to help. I could've. But I'm not. Because I don't feel ready. I'm fucking pathetic. I hate myself.
I keep thinking about suicide. I admit it. I want to die. I'm forever thinking about taking an overdose - we don't have enough painkillers to do the job. Damn it. I keep thinking about cutting my shoulders, nice and out of sight.
Ha, painkillers, are they? What the fuck do they do? Nothing! They're called painkillers, but they don't take my fucking pain away. I still hurt.
I keep thinking about when I was 12. I keep thinking about that man, the one who made me go through that sexual trauma. Ha, he only touched me once, and that was only bumping into me with his hand on my arse in class. And here's me calling it sexual trauma. What the fuck am I on? But I keep thinking about it. The way it was handled. The bad way it was handled. Or some retarded turn of events that mean we'd see each other again. He's always the same. Even though it might have been a big misunderstanding IRL, in these daydreams, or whatever, he's always the same. Cruel. Calculating. Like he meant it. Like he was proud of it. Like he was going to come back and do it again. Or worse. I used to have nightmares. I used to have nightmares that he raped me, or involved himself somehow in my family. My worst fear used to be coming back from school one day, and seeing his car parked outside the house.
I was 12, for fuck's sake, and I'm 18 now. He's in Essex. I'm in Lancashire, for Christ's sake! Why the fuck is this still bothering me? He can't come anywhere near me; he wouldn't fucking want to. All he was worried about was his fucking career.
I can't kill myself. I want to, but I can't. My housemate. She's vulnerable. We depend on each other. She's been through a lot, too. She claims I saved her from being hospitalised when her father passed away. Another friend said she was glad I were there for her, for fears that my housemate might do something...stupid. Like what I want to do. I want to fucking die! I look in the mirror, I don't see anything worthwhile. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I can't do anything. I have no future. I feel like if I try and talk to someone professional, like the GP, I'll forget everything I wanted to say, and only remember the smaller, more minor details. I'll look like some whiney little teenage-ANGST kid, with no real problems. It's happened before. It'll probably happen again. I don't remember anything, not really. Unless it's something I'd rather forget.
I want to cut. I want to overdose. I want to sleep, forever. I just want the pain to stop.
I need someone to tell me that they love me, that they care. It's stupid, I know, because my friends care and love me, I know that.
It's not your fault that you don't feel ready to get a job. Recovery takes time- and you will recover. It doesn't matter if it was just "trauma," it was sexual- that's all that matters. I know what you mean- I was sexually abused- compared to what a lot of people have gone through it wasn't that bad, but it still haunts me. You have every right to still struggle with it. I'm so sorry you went through that. I wish I knew what to tell you. I'm here if you ever wanna talk! *hugs*
The following content has been hidden - Reason : trigger?
I won't be on RYL much right now because I'm REALLY triggered, but I'm safe... so don't worry...
Only being touched once, in the wrong way, by the wrong person, especially at such a sensitive and young age, is traumatic.
Can you keep away from the very triggering forums, especially right now?
I am pretty sure that a GP, or counsellor, would take what has happened to you seriously. And you could write things down and give it to them, or read from the paper if you felt you needed to.
You're vulnerable too right now. Work will come in its own time. You need to take care of yourself right now.
*hugs, and lots of them*
Hey, I know things are hard, and you're going through a lot, but please, please don't OD.
I't not nice and it causes pain to everyone around you and it wouldn't help in the long run.
Please try to take care.
We're all here for you.
PM me if you need to talk.
xxxxxx
For what it's worth it was worth all the while. I hope you had the time of your life...
I can see you're sad, even when you smile, even when you laugh; I can see it in your eyes, deep inside you want to cry
~ ddoouubbllee lleetttteerr tthhrreeaaddeerr
~ honourary emma
~ honourary katY [Kat*Y* with a *Y* Club]
Don't beat yourself up with all the negative talk. I can really understand where you are at. ~If I go without SH for a while I will think I am missing out and make up for lost time. I have also not worked for many years. This used to be a problem but I am doing the right things at the right time for me I am in no hurry to work again but I am going to be a volunteer with AddAction and that should hopefully lead to a job. I can't stress enough when I am ready! Do you have a cpn or psychiatrist as you could be getting DLA benefit this would help and you can then apply for income support if you get DLA. It sound to me that you are caught in a negative cycle that reinforces self injury. It is common to say I am a bad person it's all my fault, I'm helpless. this increases the low mood and guilt and need to self injure and suicidal thoughts. This sort of thinking leads one way.... Self harm is not far away. I find I follow this negative cycle I did yesterday but I distract myself from cutting. I sometimes hold a big lump of ice for over a minute this is an effective way of dealing with the pressure that builds up from SH. The pain is real, my cpn thinks it is a good idea as it does you no harm. My own self harm is very extreme but I am 3 months clear of the last. I try to take things one day at a time. I hope some of this helps.
Take care and stay safe
Ben
P.s. I have a quote " All sorts of people self harm. Even people in high powered jobs. It's a sign that something is bothering and upsetting you, not that you are mad." Self harm: The Facts
