Triggering (SI) - Fed up

[Animad]

I'm sick of this now.

It's 4 weeks since I've cut, I'm trying to stop and know that's really the way I should go but it's hard for my reasons to stay clear at the moment. Everything has just gone wrong for me recently and I could do with a bit of support even though I know I'm really selfish for asking, don't deserve it and am too pathetic to be able to cope alone.

I started 'CBT' a few weeks ago after seeing a doctor and a mental health worker and basically he has left me to do it alone on a computer programme and it doesn't help me at all. He's supposed to ring me but didn't last week and I can't tell him how I feel anyway. I'm going to the doctor again tomorrow as she said if I'm not liking it in a couple of weeks to go back but I'm really scared.

I've had to take a year out of uni as I've developed epilepsy recently but the course was my life and where most of my friends are. I'm also in constant pain with my back/neck which is getting worse and I'm always taking medication for which helps but not enough for me to have a normal life ie. I'm 21 and can hardly move my back at all now and its still worsening and my necks starting to stiffen up. No-one knows the true cause yet and that is likely to stop me from getting back on the course. I'm a vet student so I need to be able to be relatively physically fit...

I went back down to my flat for my birthday to spend time with my uni mates and I had a good time but I felt I was constantly making there time really bad because they have to help me do things and not spend as much time out of the house as they want to because I can't manage it as well as one of them having to give me lifts places as I can't walk far and have lost my driving licence for a year on medical grounds.

As well as this I'm looking for a part time job which I can only work in an office for (which I'll hate) and have applied for job seekers allowance which they are reluctant to give me as they have lost the evidence that I sent them to say I'm not at college anymore until September...

I'm just fed up and all that I want to do is cut but feel I can't do that as I'm seeing someone about my back/leg on Thursday and I really don't want him seeing cuts on me. It's rubbish.

Sorry,
Kim

(Sorry its so long, I don't seem to be able to type short posts!!!)

[GrimmFaerieTale]

*Big big hug* It sounds like you've got some huge huge things going on in your life right now, and it's totally understandable that your reasons are becoming clouded in such stressful times. But try and keep focused on them sweety, as they are good and are what are going to help you move away from self harm. You are not in any way selfish for asking for help, in fact it shows your strength that you know when you need some support. Can you go back to your doctor early and say that the CBT isn't working for you? It's so important to get the right help, even if it seems scary at the moment. Keep strong sweety *hugs*

[Animad]

Thanks. Yeah, I'm going back to see the doctor first thing in the morning so hopefully something will get sorted soon but its a different doctor so I'm hoping I will actually be able to speak... will see!!!

A lots happened recently and I just don't see a way out at the moment. Keep thinking that suicide is the only way out of the mess I'm in but I can't do that because of my dog, I'm too scared and I know it would bother a couple of people so I won't. My mums now trying to control another aspect of my life and I can't deal with it any more, I don't know what I'm gonna do. And I can't get onto my college email account- it looks like someones blocked my whole username and I really need that.

I'm sorry for wasting everyones time

[GrimmFaerieTale]

You aren't wasting anyone's time at all, we are here to support you and help you as much as we can sweety. Suicide isn't the answer sweety, you need to keep fighting and keep pushing your way through this.
Can you write down what you plan to say to your doctor, in case you find you can't speak? At least then, they'll still be able to know what's going on so they can help you. Talk to your college about your email account, they'll be able to sort out the problems for you.
Keep strong sweety xxx

[Animad]

I dont think I can write down what I want to say to him though. I know I can put things on here but I still miss loads out and then its so much harder when I know someones gonna listen to me/ read something about me when they know who I am. I know in reality suicide isnt the answer, I won't do it coz it's got an effect on others (if anyone actually cares) I've just had enough of this constant pain and all the other things. I've had panic attacks a few hours later before when I've told doctors/psych's stuff so now I'm even more weary than I first was but I guess all I have to do is go in and say CBT isn't working... how hard can that be?! I'm just stupid to be so bothered about these things.

I just want a break and all I keep thinking of (and whats been at the back of my mind for around 2 weks now) is that cutting would help me to get through but I know its not the answer and it'd only lead to more problems (and if college find out I don't know what would happen, dread to think because its another thing wrong with me)

Thanks for listening/ replying anyway, I really appreciate it at the moment

[GrimmFaerieTale]

You aren't being stupid at all. And I care. I wouldn't go to the doctor at all when I was depressed, s/harming and suicidal, my counsellor had to write to them so that if I ever went to them, they'd have the information there so that I didn't have to say anything about it. I really really hope you're able to talk when the time comes. Anytime you need us sweety, we're here x

[Animad]

Thanks. Yeah, all my mates have been telling me to go to the doctors and I really want help and to get better but it doesn't look like that when I go in and just sit in silence but thats all I can sometimes do because I don't trust anyone at all. The only thing is, for one tihng or another I've been to the doctors such a lot recently and I don't want them thinking I'm just attention seeking, it's like once every fortnight minimum pretty much I'm there at the moment and absolutely hate it so they'll probably just decide I'm lying or something and not care but I really have had a lot of reasons to go that often.

God, I wanna cut so bad and the thoughts that I'm so determined that my consultant won't see any cuts on me (I had an op over the summer so he found out I cut then... and keeps checking I'm getting help which is annoying but I suppose he's got my best interests at heart!) that I know I can't cut even though I keep thinking of all the places I can cut that he won't see which doesn't help because I'll just slip straight back into cutting daily at the moment which I really don't want.

I just wish I could go to sleep and everything would be sorted out the next day when I woke but I know thats not going to happen. I'm just really hoping nothing else goes wrong at the moment, I've got enough to deal with!

Sorry I just sound like a complaining old woman!! I'm just not in the best of moods (as if thatt wasn't already noticeable lol). Thanks, you seem like a really nice person, hope you're ok yourself.

[GrimmFaerieTale]

Oh sweety, I'm sorry you're having such a tough time and that I don't have any advice that will help you. All I can say is I really hope you're able to keep fighting the urges to cut, and that the doctors give you the support you need. Let me know how it goes, I'm sorry I haven't been much help xxxx

[Animad]

Don't worry, you have been a help, just knowing someone's there and listening is really good at the moment. I just dont know what's up with me, I've had a really good weekend, seen my mates, been away from home and stuff and now my moods have just crashed since getting home... I was quite down this morning though when I had a moment to myself when i think about it. I got a rejection from a job today aswell, not one that I was particularly bothered about that that started making me think about even more things lol.

Thanks

[Animad]

Grrrr, the doctor didn't really listen to me. He was more bothered about my epilepsy than my depression which I told him from the start was the reason I went in. He told me to stick with the CBT which isn't working, I've been doing the things it tells you to for years and I'm still depressed! Plus I don't do it through talking to someone, it's purely on a computer and most of my problems are to do with trust and to solve them I need to talk to someone face to face. He seemed to think I went because I was wanting anti-depressants aswell which I don't. He just kept saying 'Well I'm not going to put you on medication because of all the other things you are taking'... I'm gonna go and see the doctor I saw the first time I went to that surgery about my depression in a week or two i think because she was really nice and understanding.

sorry this is a late reply*massive hugs* hun, hope you are doing better today, i'm so sorry you are having such a rough time atm....yeah i would go and see a different doctor if you feel as though your normal gp is not helping you much, you can do this hang in there...here for you anytime babe...pm me
lana
xoxo