In today's modern age, the nursery rhymes of yesteryear seem outdated. These are the new, approved versions for modern times:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won 10 grand with Claims Direct.
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh sh*t, it's Global Warming.
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
..But she didn't wear that one very often.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there? '
Said the pie man unto Simon
'Pies you ********.'
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.
Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen
Is a chocolate muffin loving glitter ball
"Be nice. Think happy thoughts. Champion silver linings. Love all things (not just cute things like babies and kittens) & when you do love - love like they do in power ballads (you know like on a cliff with the wind in your hair and your eyes shut, knowing you'll never know love like this). Watch out for dog poo. Smile at people - even grumpy ones. Remember anything is possible & whatever you do always try to look on the bright side."
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
..But she didn't wear that one very often
Mary had a bicycle,
She rode it on the grass,
Everytime the wheels went round,
A spoke went up her ass.
Or
Mary had a little lamb she thought it rather silly,
She threw it up into the air and caught it by it's,
Willy was a bulldog sitting in the grass,
Went along came a bee and stung him up his,
Ass is a donkey, and I tell no lies,
I saw a policeman doing up his
Flys are a nusence, bees are worse,
And this is the end of my silly little verse!
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there? '
Said the pie man unto Simon
'Pies you ********.'
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