Triggering (SI) - Everything just feels like it's getting worse :'[
This is probably going to be a long, boring, pointless thing so here goes:
It's been over a year now since I started cutting, and I just don't feel any point in being here. Everything I do just isn't good enough for anyone and people won't leave me alone.
On Christmas Eve, my cousin took me to the doctor's about my cutting, all I wanted was something to make the scars on my legs disappear. I've been using Bio-Oil, but they haven't gone, and I'm doing swimming in school and it's all just... Well, anyway, the doctor said she couldn't give me anything stronger, but she's going to tell my parents about it :'[[[ and for 3 weeks, she's been phoning my mobile, leaving me voicemails, and I'm so terrified of answering the phone. When my parents find out, I don't know what I'll do. A rumour about the scars (or then cuts) on my ankle went around at school, I told my mum about the rumour, but I said there was no cuts. And she told me that she knew I didn't self harm (obviously wrong) and if I did she'd take me to a psychiatrist. She has no idea what it's like :'[[[.
Now people are always on my case, and I found out that my so called best friend had told another friend of mine (a close friend) about my self harming, she's being such a bitch about it, telling me how she 'doesn't like it'. What has it got to do with her???! I don't know who else my 'best friend' has told. Or who my other friend has told. I didn't even want anybody to find out in the first place - most people saw, but because he was my 'best friend', I told him. I feel so stupid. Another rumour will be going around about me, I think. *sigh*. I hate telling people about the cutting, because they always get angry and end up getting hurt. Not that I'm bothered about them getting hurt. It's nothing to do with them.
I just wish I was dead. Seriously. I'm past caring about what would happen to my friends or family. That sounds awful, but I just hate where I'm at. Everyone's pressurising me to stop cutting, but they don't give a damn how I feel. It's like 'I DON'T WANT TO STOP!!'. It's the one thing that I have to keep myself from going off the rails, and as I'm sure other self harmers agree, it makes you feel in control. People are all like 'you have a problem!!' but how can it be a problem when it's stopping me from hurting other people? Ughh :'[[[. I can't talk to anyone about it either, because, well, they either never know what to say or they tell me to 'stop being stupid'.
I can't do this anymore :'[[[[ just want to curl up and die.
I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now. Please don't do anything to harm yourself badly or end your life, i'm sure you would be missed badly.
I'm sorry i don't feel like i can give much at the moment but just wanted you to know that i read this and i'm thinking of you.
*hugs*
Life breaks most of us in the end, but afterwards some of us are strong in the broken places
~ Ernest Hemingway
First off, your doctor cannot tell your parents anything unless you have threatened to seriously harm yourself or others. you should talk to him/her about it if you dont want your parents to know but obviously it is best they know. It sounds to me like your mum could be very supportive.
As for the rumours, if people see something or hear about something it will always go around school. That is the way school is im afraid, i had to deal with the same thing.
[Bio-Oil will work but it takes a bit of time & it depends on how deep the cut was]
Your friend is probably really worried, some people dont know what to do when they find out somebody is selfharming and need someone to talk to.
how about you try and talk to her?
find out why she said those things?
i think you have to understand that this is going to effect people whether you like it or not and im sorry if im being a bit blunt but people will have different opinions on selfharm.
I dont think you really want to be dead, there is nothing worth taking your life over. things can always be worked through, you will get past this. If i can, you can.
As for not caring about friends or family, i think you do deep down or you wouldnt worry about what they think about your SI.
Also,i think that by telling you to stop, your friends are trying to help you and are thinking of you.
please try and get some help, you cant stay like this forever. you will just feel even worse and there are things to look forward to in life. but you need to want to help yourself.
im sorry if this is a jumbled mess but i hope this helped.
take care
x
Through the dark, a strand of light, the light continued to get bright, with it came the strength to fight (Gem)
sorri things are so bad for you at the moment hon. However, as Gemz said, unless you are posing a serious threat to yourself or others he can not share this with your parents.
However i think it would be worth going back and talking to him about how you feel, because however you think your parents might react they may supprise you and they can be a really important support.
Has your GP suggested any other help that he can offer you in terms of seeing a councillor or anything, again that maybe helpful to you.
Hon, we are all here to help you and listen, so talk to us there will always be someone here to listen and answer.
if you want to pm me please feel free.
Take care of yourself hon,
Tears
xXx
