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Triggering (Suicide) - delicious thoughts.
Idk if this post will bother anyone so i figured I'd air on the side of caution.
Once again. It's these calm moments. I'm holding out 'fine', haven't done anything. last cut.. a week and 2 days. last OD, that's been months.
I've found I've been having trouble sleeping lately-- the past several days markedly. That's sort of new for me, rather annoying. It takes me a bit to fall asleep, then I'll finally fall asleep for a couple hours, only to wake up and not be able to fall asleep for a couple hours. I guess its not really out of the ordinary generally speaking, it was just very annoying and weird feeling.
Hmm. It sucks that my bf makes a face or stares whenever he sees my scars. Never anything blatant or rude, but its there. He doesn't know I notice because I look away myself, but haha, I see it. We were hanging out and he pulled the sleeve on my sweater down so some old scars on my arm could not be seen. If I don't care about visibility, why should he? Great kid, I'm def. happy with him, but that's no fun. I don't like being judged.
It's funny. the urge to OD has sort of come raging back. I'd just prefer if I didn't have to think about anything. I feel like that will need to take place sometime soon.
I was thinking... I know for a fact if it wasn't for my two friends I would have killed myself junior year of high school, if not junior year, definitely senior year.
It's really annoying, the thoughts always circle back to this point. Great day? No matter, it will all come down to the fact that I should not be alive. Being dead means no good or bad days, it means no regret. It means no disappointment or failure. It means no pressures or stupidity. It means that I'll never fall short again. It means I'm no longer stealing from the world what does not belong to me. It means I get what I deserve; abs nothing.
Hah. Let me stop before I really wind myself up and can't calm down. *feels SI coming on* -> *ignore
Hmm. It's the knowing that I can't do anything about it that really just rips my heart to shreds. Man. *can't breathe* *shakes* *twitch*
I think I should stop talking about this now... yeah.
Hmm. It leaves me wondering, what on earth am I supposed to do? i hate burdening people with my crap. I know I'm the one keeping myself here, but I can't see myself deserving of anything more. I don't think that's a reasonable goal either; self-worth. Where to start? I don't even know if I'm ready for that. (I went to a counselor at college about 4x... but that set me back several paces and just amped my SI) How to I prepare myself?
Arg. The very thought of "helping" myself angers me. It's not how things are supposed to be.
Stupidstupid.
Yupyup
Feel free to PM
I offer a listening ear
Last edited by xanybody : 09-01-2008 at 03:52 AM.
Reason: left out info
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