Triggering (SI) - Just relapsed after over three years... help!
I self-harmed for the first time since July '04 last night. I burned both of my legs pretty badly... definitely second degree. I had moved on to burns because the pain lasts longer.
I've been struggling with the temptation to SI, again, for a while. The band I worked for for four years just retired in April and I have had a hard time just being at home and not being able to be on the road and see these guys -- they were such an amazing support for me!
My family is incredible, but they would feel SO badly if they knew I was doing this, again. I *know* I need help, but I actually work in in-patient Mental Health and couldn't stand the stigma/helplessness/hopelessness of it all. I'm tempted to make an anonymous call on myself, but I don't have the guts. My logical side is fully intact and I can't help but think about what would happen to my house, my job, my family...... I just don't know what to do.
I'm pretty sure I have Depersonalization Disorder and I have just been trying to find a way to keep things real -- to really FEEL.
I don't really have any suggestions. Just try and remember how long you made it for and be proud of yourself about that. Also I would go and get your burn checked out. Hope your ok hun. Take care of yourself
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
that's so amazing that you went three years! i can't even imagine going that long! i think you should talk to somebody though because your job gives you an oppurtunity that many people wish they had...stay strong
writing things down is a great way to make things feel real again. For me anyway, It brings things to the surface. Sometimes it feels like I'm in being john malcovich and I'm in this body doing things and it's not me, but forcing myself to think about what is happening at that point forces me to associate with it and feel what is going on. Thinking about what I should do next, what i should say next and just doing it.
scarlett -- you hit the proverbial nail on the head! I am thoroughly convinced that I have depersonalization disorder and that SIB is just my attempt to keep things real.
on that note, I actually *have* begun writing, again. I usually write blogs online, but these ones I keep in a hand-written journal... completely honest. I think I secretly wish someone would find them and finally do something. :/
I wrote in another thread about how I'm actually a Mental Health professional (*gasp*, I know), spending my days & nights helping everyone else with issues like these, but can't -forthelifeofme- get the help I need, myself...
*sigh*
Last edited by only2fail : 12-09-2011 at 11:11 PM.
Reason: removal of personal details
I hear where you're coming from. Before 2 weeks ago, the last time I had SIed was when I was 21 - and that was just a slip up after 4 years. Now I'm 26, without a roommate and support network for the first time in forever, and I'm finding myself in the same place when I was 17 - when I was SI'ing on a regular basis.
It seems that all the friends that I normally go to about this are all exceptionally busy going about their lives and I really don't want to burden them with my problems. I mean, when I look at it from their shoes, it's truly a burden that I wouldn't want to be saddled with.
Basically, it's 7:40 PM and, if I keep myself busy on here until 9:00 PM, it'll be the 5th night in total I haven't SI'ed since the Sunday before Christmas - and those nights were because I slept at my parents' house. Even worse: of those nights 4 nights when I didn't SI, I was drunk when I fell asleep 3 out of 4 times.
I really had a purpose in here somewhere, but it seems to have gotten lost in my rambling. But, if you get this far, PM me sometime. I know this seems silly, but it actually helps to know that there are other adults who struggle with the exact same things I struggle with - and stumble in the same places that I stumble. I mean, really, I never thought I'd be doing this again at 26 when I was 17.
