Triggering (SI) - losing control, long rambling about nothing important

[black feather]

I'm sorry to be posting again. I know everyones got problems and everyone is struggling, and nothing makes my situation special, but i am not coping, and i am losing control. I only started to SH last year February and since August i've been trying to stop with the help of my boyfriend that i also met on RYL. But lately i'm losing control again. I developed an ED and altho my boyfriend is very supporting i do not want to push his patience and i fear i may have already done that or are busy doing it.

I feel so trapped, i can't breathe and want to cut so bad. It feels like no matter how deep or how many i do, i still need to do more and go deeper. And it scares me cause it was never this bad. Yet is doesn't particularly make me feel better, i just feel in control for that moment that i am cutting. I've been doing so good, but it feels like i'm losing control again. It is all i think about, i can't concentrate on anything else, and i am afraid it is taking a toll on my work and i don't want to lose my job too.

To top it all, one of my friends invited me to go away with her for the weekend, and that is the last thing i want to do. But i know i have been neglecting my friends, and i always feel left out when they do not invite me somewhere, but i just can't go. I'm too much of a mess and they don't understand. I don't have money anyway to go. I need an excuse that won't hurt her, i can't go.

sorry this is kinda a long post, thanks for reading anyway

hunni don't apoligize for posting thats what we are here for to try and support each other through this hard time....i'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time...hunni i'm sure your bf would not lose his patience with you try and talk to him maybe? Aw i know the feeling of nothing working anymore and wanting to feel in control and being trapped hunni all i can suggest is trying to distract your self and talk to people i'm always here if you wanna chat...maybe getting away from everything for the weekend might do some good to clear your head and have some fun with the people you care about... and if you really don't wanna go just tell her you have no money to go out it's not a lie and it shouldn't hurt her if not tell her you have some personal issues going on atm....i know this reply won't help much but i just want you to know you are strong and beautiful and you can get through this hun
thinking of you
pm me anytime
stay safe
stay strong
take care
lana
xoxo

[black feather]

thanks for the reply. I let her know that i can't go. i really dn't feel up to company, i've been crying non stop since monday and i am not really prepared to discuss anything with my friends t the moment. they alays just tell me to move on and to chuck the blades, and they are being cruel to be kind. they don't get it. they are not the one stuck with bad feelings, nightmares, uncertainties or fears

aw good and i don't blame you for not feeling up to company your going through a rough time and its not fair... i compleatly understand about friends not understanding... they have to sh to realise that it not so easy just to throw away the blades (like its that easy) not very supportive if they just tell you too move but i spose they are just trying to help in there own sense. you can get through this hunni *hugs and hugs and hugs forever* i wish i could be there to tell you things will be alright you will get through this just keep talking on here.. i'm so sorry you have to go through this just know we are here for you darl...
take care
lana
xoxo

[black feather]

thanks, i am just trying to stay busy and not give myself the opprutunity to think, cause then i might lose control, and i am so scared that will happen. it feels like the world is spinning out of control and i can't do anything to make it slow down

thats the best thing to do babes.... if you feel like your losing control take some deep breathes to calm yourself down and keep saying to your self i am strong i can do this i WILL DO THIS i am going to this just keep repeating yourself...you can do this
*tightest hug that can ever be given*
take care
i'm here for you
lana
xoxo
p.s put some music on something you love and can sing to this might help with distractions as well

[black feather]

thanks Lana, I appreciate it, i'm starting to feel better now, thanks for your help.

thats great *grins heaps* i didn't do anything i hope everything sorts out for you...pm me anytime if your feeling bad or just wanna talk don't hesitate hunni....hope it gets better for you darl....
*hugs you tight*
take care
lana
xoxo