Triggering (SI) - I wish I could be loved

[Audrey]

So, I was with a really nice guy for about 10mths but there was no real spark there, we were more like mates so I ended it because I so desperately want to be in a proper relationship with a mind to settle down and eventually being a mum. We're still friends so that's cool. God only knows what possessed me but I went on a well known dating website just to see. I was emailed and 'winked' at by ALOT of guys but most of them I wasn't particularly interested in so I didn't follow up. Then one guy 'winked' at me and I responded because I liked his photo and his profile seemed pretty similar to mine. I agreed to go on a date with him.

The day of the date came and I texted him to say it didn't feel right. He phoned me back and asked me to give him a chance and just meet him. I decided it was only fair and did so. Now 6 weeks down the line and I REALLY like him. He's all I could ask for in a relationship. Thing is, Xmas came and we both went to see our respective families and we were going to meet up today and then spend new years eve together. He phoned me last night to say that whilst he was away his ex had been in touch and now he's really confused. He does want to be with me but also has feelings for her and he doesn't know what to do. I've done alot of crying over it as I really like him but had a feeling I would lose out (as usual...I'm queen of being cheated on), I met up with him today and he kept saying that he genuinely doesn't know what to do. I've told him how I feel and we both opened up about our childhoods, past relationships and I also told him about my self harming, it was a big step for me. He was actually ok about it and listened. I've not known how to feel about it or even if I should hang around for him to tell me its not going to work. I came home and went for a drink with a friend. I told her about the situation and she said she wanted to see a photo. I've cancelled my dating website profile ages ago but I knew his was active but unused so I did a search for his photo. It said 'active within 24hrs'....

Question: If he's deciding between me and his ex why has he been looking for women on the website? I feel so stupid

Why won't he even give me a chance to prove I can offer him a good relationship? I have him the chance to meet me on that first date, afterall.

I feel like he used me for sex and now wants something new. I'm gutted that my judgement is so off YET AGAIN.

I'm nearly 30yrs old and I just want a family of my own and a nice dependable man who loves me. I'm a good person and it just seems like I'm never enough for anyone! Why am I never enough?

I'm not clingy in relationships, I have my own life and own friends, I have a good job and my own flat. I'm a nice person. Why do none of the men I like see that? I'm sick of being cheated on.

My brother is married and has a 2yr old daughter and another one on the way and my mother is all over them. She even moved to where they live so she could see them more (which meant she moved away from me). I said to her over Xmas "where will you live when it comes to me having kids too?" and she replied "Oh that will never happen, I'm not worried about that"

I feel like a failure.

I've not harmed for over 2yrs now and I nicked myself with a blade last night. I just want this pain to stop. I want someone to love me....what's wrong with me?!!!!!!

Why won't anyone love me?

Please help, I feel so low

[Audrey]

Who cares anyway. Useless

[Seraphsigh]

I care! I know how you feel...I'm almost 27 and haven't had a boyfriend in years just because of some stupid jerk who hurt me.
It sounds to me like this man took advantage of you, but not that you set him up to do that. It requires trust to take the relationship plunge, but don't let this situation jade you into not doing it again!
I hope you don't feel like harming again. Sorry I can't be of much help, but if you need to talk, pm me anytime...I'm in the states so if you're up late, I'll just be hanging out :).

Take care, sweetie.

D'Arcy

[Audrey]

I really really really like him. I genuinely can't see where I might meet someone else.

I keep stopping and thinking there might be a genuine reason for him logging on the dating site again....but then I can't think what it would be.....

I told him I wouldn't contact him again until next week when he's spoken to his ex but I don't know if I should just text him and say it's over and put up with the consequences.....what do you think?

I do feel pretty worthless at the moment - I can't seem to change my mood status thing on here so don't be fooled by the 'calm' tag.

How can I stop feeling for him?

When I spoke to him today he just seemed so genuine!!!! He looked visibly upset about messing me around and thanked me for not shouting at him and said that he has genuine feelings for me....have I got this wrong?

I'm so confused.

I just wish that we'd met and everything was how it was before Xmas. it was amazing then. I just wish I could make him want me.

Maybe the self harm thing pushed him that step too far away....who knows.

I'm a freak anyway

[Seraphsigh]

Well, it might not be as bad as you think. Maybe he is being genuine.
YOU ARE NOT A FREAK!!!! *hugs*
If you can swing it mentally, maybe the best thing to do is see what happens. Could be that he really does just need a little bit of time.
Don't over analyze and try to predict the future...it's something we girls do a lot, but it is often a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you tell yourself that no one loves you and that he doesn't want you anymore, the more real it's going to seem to you!
Again, I'm a complete hypocrite because I do this all the time. But I've found that much to be true.
All you can do is show him your true self...anything else is his problem.

xoxoxoxo
D'Arcy

[Audrey]

Thank you.

I know I over analyse things. It's just easier to make things wrong than to be told "I don't want you".

I was discussing this with my friend earlier this evening. We both went through our mobile phone contact lists and we discovered that I am actually the only single female we know.....how rubbish is that?! The scary thing is, I'm more often than not named as the prettiest!! Work that one out!!

Without sounding like I'm over thinking again. I really really do think that he'll tell me its over. Gutting but true. Why would he want me when he could have a nice normal girl without any baggage? I think this whole thing would be easier if I'd not slept with him. With that I gave him part of myself that I'll never get back. If he's not worthy of it then I'll be so upset.

God I do moan on!!! I'm annoying myself now!! I'm trying so hard not to cut.

I even started up smoking again tonight as I was getting so tetchy - that's bad.

[Seraphsigh]

Smoking's better than cutting, for now! But quit tomorrow, please :).
I've been told by men that I'm intimidating...some of my guy friends even said that they wouldn't have ever asked me out because they would have been too scared!
I have a feeling that this may be your problem, especially if you're a hottie :).
But every hottie's got baggage. And nice normal girls a) don't exist and b) if they did can you imagine how boring they would be?
Don't despair, sweetie, if he can't accept you then he's not worth it at all!
*hugs*

Moan all you want...might as well scream and cry and punch pillows...but don't take anything out on yourself! I hope you feel better soon.

xoxoxoxo

[Audrey]

I resisted. i cried so much and drank so much beer that I passed out. Ok, not great but I didn't cut. I'm secretly pleased about that.

He rang me this morning. Apparently they've only just taken the money out of his account for the dating site and he was wondering why as he joined weeks and weeks ago. He said he went on to check his account details and was really concerned that I might think he was looking for other women. He promised that he's only confused about me and his ex. He didn't need to ring me. If he didn't want me he could have just left it and gone to his ex or found someone else...

Again - he sounded genuine....but am I being a complete fool?

Thanks for getting me through things last night, I really appreciate it.

I know this probably sounds like a feeble subject to be getting worked up about but I've not liked someone this much in so long and I'm scared of losing it.

I'll surround myself with my friends tonight so that hopefully I can get bad thoughts out of my head.

Thank you for listening. Means alot x

[blondiebear]

Add my vote to Monarkh's. You are NOT a freak.

You're just like the rest of us, insecure. I even over analyze friendships. Especially if a friend cancels on me when we were supposed to get together.

I've been married for 18 years. Sometimes I still wonder about it. I asked him out the first time, by asking him if I was going to ask him out of if he was going to ask me out. I brought up the subject of marriage first.

I was married years before most of my friends were. Because I wanted security.

My husband ignores it when I SI. When I ask for a hug or tell him that I need to cry on his shoulder, he's there.

You're not a fool. Give him time to remember why he broke up with his ex. When I broke up with the guy I was dating before I started dating my husband I was sad about it. I still had feelings for him but we were not suited to marry.

Hang out with your friends. Take care of yourself. You are worth loving.

Hugs.

[Seraphsigh]

I'm glad to hear that things are looking up. Good job for not cutting! I'm so proud of you...even if you drank too much beer :). Keep us updated on it, will you? I'm thinking about you and hope that you gain the confidence that you deserve.
*hugs warmly*
Take care. And bother me all you want any time you want...I'm all ears.

D'Arcy

[Audrey]

I started to feel a bit better and then today I'm feeling so so bad. I can't stop crying. I want this pain to go away

[Tears of Solitude]

Im so sorry you feel so low. I think you already know in your head what is happening but your heart is telling you something else.

You deserve the best, dont drop your standards. You are important.

Im glad you posted, I hope it helped. Keep on posting and we will hold your hand through this difficult time.

Jade xxx