Was a gentler therapy session less deep. But it was good that it was less deep think it helped me settle a bit. And I wasn't completely shut off from emotion they did come up a bit. Therapist said I seemed more like myself.
Hoping won't break down much while my parents here. Having emotions round them is hard.
Told my therapist about my vague suicide plan today in our session. I have conflicting feelings about having disclosed. Don't want to seem like I am attention seeking and the chance I will act on it is low right now although not non existent.
I am trying to stay safe and don't really want to die just escape the pain/ suffering. Voices have been shouty which was a never helpful. Think it more the voices that want it than me.
Promised therapist I would reach out if I felt close to acting. Either to her or a support line.
She asked if it would be ok to contact my GP and I said yes although now nervous about the fact she has done so. Even though my current GP is good with mental health
It's not attention seeking to talk about having suicidal plans/thoughts/feelings at all, even if you feel like you won't act on them. It's really important to talk things through because it's easy to get stuck inside despair but there could be something that someone can say or do to ease that. I'm glad you were honest and hope you'll reach out if you need to. What makes you nervous about your therapist contacting your GP?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I guess was important to say as even thought it's unlikely there is a chance I might get impulsive.and it's an indicator of level of distress.
Partly what is making me nervous is the voices shouting about it and being angry for having told one person and angrier that another person will know.
Partly nervousness is if GP suggests referring back to CMHT which would be ok if I thought they would actually take me on as I could do with more support. But in past I get my hopes up a bit while on waiting list, have assessment and then they say I don't need their service right now/ they can't help. Which is hard.
But mostly I think it's just the not knowing. Like I have a good relationship with my GP and he cares but the unknown of if he will get in touch and if so when is hard.
Not heard anything from GP yet. My named GP is in again on Friday so might hear something then.
I am still battling thoughts and urges and myself / the voices. Kept safe so far so it feels weird that I still feel like I am at risk as have managed it without giving in so surely that can keep happening? And if it can then surely I am overreacting? That said it is taking everything to stay safe.
Well done for telling your therapist what's going on, that takes a lot of courage. Hopefully your GP contacts you soon, and that you don't get messed around by the CMHT if you do get referred on. I know how difficult it can be to jump through all these hoops to get help, and then not actually get the help.
Everything you've been through, and are continuing to go through sounds utterly exhausting - you're not overreacting. Managing to keep yourself safe in spite of it all is huge but you shouldn't be having to fight this hard without support.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
It is exhausting and overwhelming. I do have support outside my therapist in form of support workerfrom a local mental health charity but asked to take a break from working with him for a few weeks as it felt too much right now and because particular trauma I am working through makes me feel less safe around men and I only met him twice so not got to point I felt he is an exception to that. Not that I shared that bit with him or asked for a female. I have worked well with men in past had one as a care coordinator and as a psychologist just things are extra intense right now.
Thinking I will need to work hard on engaging with him again soon though as when I had CMHT assessment last year the only thing they referred me for was support worker with charity and that took a year to come through. Because if I do get referred back they might question why I didn't engage / use it as an excuse not to help. Bit also need to use whatever support I can get.
That said I honestly think because I try so hard to help myself it's unlikely CMHT will take me on. Of I was in crisis and not managing to keep myself safe on my own they would be more elikely to step in. System is broken, not that it was ever great but it was sless broken than this 13 years ago.
Part of tricky bit is also managing physical health with mental health and just not having the nerdy / capacity to do all the different things to help me stay well for all the different conditions. Respiratory Physio, Neuro Physio, Meditation, pacing, getting natural light, regular waking times, sleep hygeine, eating properly. Something always has to give and sometimes sther ear ethings that mentally would help but physically I am too ill to do that day.And when motivation is low because of depression side of things that gets even harder.
Last edited by long road : 13-03-2025 at 12:06 PM.
Started EMDR properly this week. Went through a memory from when I was a kid and while at end of session it was a little less fear and less ontense. But it's brought up a lot of emotions. Left me feel quite raw and vulnerable. And feeling on younger side. Some further flashes of memory too.
Being trying my best to self soothe but it's tricky. Doing stuff like watching childhood comfort TV / listening to kids audiobooks. Cuddling my cuddly toy animals.
Anyone got any post therapy tips? Or coping with EMDR specifically tips?
Hopefully EMDR will be really helpful for you, it sounds really difficult in the short term though. I think it's amazing how hard you're working to heal.
I don't think I have any specific tips beyond what you're already doing, especially since I've never done EMDR. When I went to therapy last year I used to get pick n mix after a session as kind of a reward, which helped a bit especially if the session was difficult - could that be helpful for you?
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
Thanks Lio. I am really trying everything I can to heal even though sometimes it doesn't feel possible.
Reward could help although am pretty exhausted after a session so not up to much. If I had the energy I would love to go to the beach and watch the waves I have always found the sea calming.
With all the things you're trying, I really hope something/things will be beneficial. Would your lack of energy stop you from going on a car journey to the beach? I know it's not the same but if you can't get to an actual beach could you try something like a soundscape?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Didn't make it to the beach today. Maybe another day.
I had nightmares last night and have felt vulnerable today, have broken down in tears a couple of times. Managed to build some Lego as a positive distraction.
Been getting fragments of memory today from the time I am working on in EMDR. Keeping going but it's a lot.
Yeah I think you're right that memory surfacing is inevitable with EMDR! Makes sense really as it's about reprocessing something you didn't process at the time. My session a couple of days ago went well, intense still but distress levels were noticeably less at end of session.
It'll take a while and it is hard going but I am feeling hopeful. Although also exhausted.
Keeping up with the self care seems to be helping, bought myself a box of Lego bricks so that I can be creative and build from my imagination and finding that helpful. As is giving myself permission to rest
Last edited by long road : 18-06-2025 at 09:39 PM.
Reason: You're not your
