Not sure why I'm posting here.

[Rafiki]

So.
I'm not sure why I'm posting in this board.
I don't know if you'll have read my RV, but it explains things.
I'm just feeling 'stuck' right now.
I don't know what I want from this post.
Somebody to tell me I'm not a lost cause?
That I won't be in here forever?
That I'm not a horrible person?
I just feel so lonely & I don't know how to cope anymore.
I'm sorry.
I'll go now.

[tamobhuuta]

Hi. I've read some of your rv but I'm not totally clear. At the moment are you in hospital or prison? Are you getting released?

[one_step_closer]

Can you tell us some more about what's going on if that's ok? I don't believe anyone is a lost cause but life and what our minds tell us can make things really difficult.

[The Worst Witch]

The very fact that you’re worried about being a bad person shows that you’re not, bad people don’t worry about things like that and tend not to be remorseful for what they do. I also think its entirely possible to rehabilitate prisoners, especially if there were some extenuating curcumstances that mean that they weren’t responsible for their actions - it sounds like you were extremely ill when what happened, happened and now that you’re taking meds etc etc you’re feeling remorseful for it.

I also think some of what you’re feeling might be due to the med change, its difficult to come off one med and onto another in normal circumstances never mind when you have all this other stuff to consider. Do the hospital staff think that the new med is working?

[Rafiki]

Thanks for the replies.
So, as for what's going on.
I'm in hospital right now for a med change.
Will have to go back to prison soon.
I think the med change has been quite difficult to deal with.
The withdrawal from the last med was bad, I had all these horrible thoughts & urges & physical symptoms.
The hospital staff said it's too soon to tell if the new medication is working.
I do feel so guilty for what happened & yeah they said I was ill when it happened, but I didn't feel like that was the case.
Probably in denial, but now I realize that it was true.
I'm trying to channel all these urges into positive actions but it's really, really hard.
I must be a bad person to still want to do these things?
I feel hopeless about the situation at times.
I'm not getting released on my release date.
Which I expected, but it still hurts so damn much.
I've been trying so hard to get better & now it all feels like it's not worth it.

[tamobhuuta]

I'm sorry you're not getting released yet. Well done for trying to get better. I don't think you're a lost cause, or a horrible person. I hope the new med helps you, waiting can be very hard. I really hope it will be worth it! I think it's normal to feel guilty for whatever it was, even though you were and are unwell, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve to move on with your life.

[Rafiki]

Whatever it was?
It was something absolutely awful, both times.
I can't believe I actually did what I did.
The people close to them have grieved because of me.
I don't deserve anything.
Don't deserve kindness or people to support me.
Anyway.
Thank you, I guess.

[tamobhuuta]

It will be hard for their loved ones to forgive you, but forgiveness benefits everyone, I think.

[one_step_closer]

Everyone deserves kindness and support. It sounds like you feel a lot of remorse. I know it must be really hard to have done what you did and not be able to take it back. I hope somehow you can find it in yourself to care about the person you are now.

[Rafiki]

Thank you both.
It's horrible to deal with the guilt & stuff.
It's not fair that I'm still here & they just... aren't.
I'm trying to move forward & forgive myself & care about the person I am but that's really hard.
I hope their loves ones can eventually forgive me & realize that I didn't do this on purpose.
I've spoken to staff about how I'm feeling about not getting out on release date & they helped.
I see my husband tomorrow (it's Thursday morning here, I'm seeing him Friday) which should be good, I hope.
Thanks again for the replies & for caring.

[one_step_closer]

I think guilt is one of the most difficult emotions to work through but you can still feel guilt and look after yourself at the same time. I'm glad you spoke to the staff and they were helpful. I hope you have/had a nice time seeing your husband. Keep talking about how you're feeling to the people around you and on here, I personally won't judge you anyway. I think it's better to not hold things inside and try to explore things if you can cope with it.

[The Worst Witch]

I agree with Lindsay, guilt can be such a hard emotion to work through but I think you still deserve to look after yourself and be treated with kindness and respect. I also think forgiving yourself might be helpful for you, but I realise this is really difficult to do.

Are they offering you any type of therapy/rehabilitation atm? It sounds like you could do with talking things over with an impartial outsider who would be able to help you with these feelings.

I hope you manage to have a nice time woth your husband, and that you got your hug :)

[Rafiki]

Thank you both for the replies.
You're being very kind to me.
Yes, I'm having regular therapy both here & in prison.
I go back on Monday.
I'll get there, with forgiving myself.
I know that.
Thank you again for caring.

[one_step_closer]

Do you find the therapy helpful? Do you get a say about what you want to work on? I'm glad you feel that you will get there with forgiving yourself, it is a process. Take all the time you need but try not to beat yourself up so much.

[Rafiki]

The therapy is sometimes helpful & it sometimes isn't.
They decide what they work on during the sessions with me.

[one_step_closer]

Is it a rule that they decide? Are there things you personally want to work on/talk about that they don't bring up?

[Rafiki]

Yeah they get to choose how the sessions are directed.
I'll try bringing up a few things with my therapist in prison when I go back.
Maybe if I ask to work on a specific thing, they can do it for a future session.
Can't hurt to ask.

[one_step_closer]

Yes it's definitely a good idea to ask. If you don't you'll never know if it's an option to talk about what you feel is important. I hope you can use your therapy sessions in a way that suits you.