Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - whats the point in living!

[harrysmummy]

hi people im just writing this because i dont really know what to do everything is just going down for me at the moment christmas should be a time for happeness but it isnt.Ive been unhappy for years i started self harming when i was 12 im now 23 and still doing it, i dont think i will ever stop i feel like giving up! i cant understand why i am they way i am and neither can anyone else!My biggest problem at the moment is my partner i love him so much it hurts(if that makes sense?!)but he just doesnt understand,he thinks im stupid to hurt myself he doesnt understand how the past effects my future and they way i think and behave i have very strange mood swings were im very happy and full of energy and it changes just like that and i become very low,agaited,angry,snappy and emotional!i cry for no reason but i cant explain why, hes trying to understand but sometimes he gets angry and he makes me worse and i want to self harm even more!i did the worst thing the other day i gave him every razor blade that i had stashed around the house and in the garden to see if it would help me i had 23 razor blades hidden and now i have none and i feel worse than ever i feel like somethings missing ive tryed anything i could get my hands on to self harm with but they dont feel right im fed up now im getting forgetful,im tired,lazy,moody and just cant be botherd to be here in this stupid pathetic life of mine!!!!!my past is haunting me more than ever now its disturbing my sleep with horrible nightmares and i keep smelling his breath(alcohol)which makes me feel sick all i can think about is him the man who ruined my life forever.whats the point of living!?sorry x

[Cazki]

Hello there im so sorry that your suffering like this and that your really struggling. I just want you to know that we all care about you so much here and we will continue to support you for as long as you need supporting.

Have you ever tried talking to your boyfriend because if you havent i was going to suggest that you could try and sit down wit him and talk to him about how your feeling and that and maybe try to get him to understand a little more.

I know its hard but you can get through this and to me your boyfriend obviously cares about you, he is probably really worried about you. You mentioned that you have been harming for quite some time now. Try to focus on the good things instead of the negative things i know its hard i do. Try to keep yourself distracted as much as possible.

You can fight through this i know yu can. Do you think you would be able to sit down and talk to your boyfriend about how your feeling? If you did that he could support you more aswell and that is excatly what you need at a time like this, is lots and lots of support.

Please keep fighting through this i know you can get through this. You have come such a long way to be still battling through this. The fact that your still fighting this through says to me that your incredibly strong and that your a fighter. Please keep talking to us and posting here. Your doing really well.

Please take care best wishes Ian

[harrysmummy]

thank you very much for what you have said i do talk to my partner but i seem to think he doesnt want to know ,hes the only person ive have told about being raped and more details about my past but i find it very hard to speak about things i havent even told my councler about these things!thank you for your help big hugz x

[Cazki]

Heya your welcome any time hun ok. If ever you need someone to talk to or any help or whatever you need im always here ok. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

Best wishes Ian xxxxx

[harrysmummy]

bless you sweetie thanx x