|
Positive recovery post - For anyone who needs to read this
I'll be honest, it's kind of stupid for me to be writing this since I'm still not 100%. Whatever.
I've been clean for 6 weeks- 1 month and 2 weeks now. A lot has gone on. I started cutting in May of this year and went downhill from there. I couldn't stop. Every day I was reaching for my tools because I wanted to destroy myself. I tried being clean, but it only lasted 2-3 days. All the hope in myself had become stripped and tarnished. It got to the point where I was lying to my closest friend about how I was "clean." This went on for a few months; the marks and scars only grew.
Every time I had tried to be clean, I ruined it. Again and again and again, a constant loop I was stuck in.
I think more than I talk and I thought real hard about my cutting habits. I never stated "I'm cutting," but rather asked, "what is the reason why I cut?" or "why do I feel the need to cut?" This helped me to figure out the obvious, though some is still unknown. I dissect myself to study everything.
One particular day when I had been clean for a few days, something in me had changed. I figured out that I felt more whole without cutting and that I felt as though I didn't need it anymore. That cutting wasn't enough for me anymore and I needed something genuine to make me feel good/better/to cope. This took months of constant up and down, clean and cutting.
It feels kind of freeing or like a weight is off me now that I've been clean for a while. - September 2, 2023
It's addictive and it feels good, but there are more fulfilling things out there. Everything on this earth is not eternal. To stop something like self harm, there has to be a motivation, reason, or readiness for it. Without such things, it'll be the looping cycle of being clean then cutting again shortly after. Try and live each day one at a time because attempting to live a whole year is too overwhelming. Make goals even if they are simple and cross them out when you're done. Even if you are clean for a day, that's valuable and worth applauding for. The days will keep building and extending further. Celebrate your accomplishments no matter how small they may seem. Progress is progress even if it's 0.5%.
Maybe this entire thing was stupid, but I'm doing better than I was a while ago because I'm not forcing myself into a despair loop of self destruction and hatred. It's difficult as hell to get out of it, but it's possible and it will continue to be done. Nevertheless, take care of yourself the best you can and stay safe.
|
