Love kind of sucks

wren_wyn · 12-09-2023, 06:47 AM

I've had less crushes than I can count on one hand. I seriously don't know what's wrong with me. Love feels like a foreign thing to me, like I'm naturally not supposed to have/feel it, though that might be a me issue. This goes with platonic, too. Whenever someone tells me "I love you," I don't feel anything back or I go numb.

I had liked someone, but I lost my feelings for them. I told them today and of course they're upset. I feel emotionally numb or dull or empty. I feel like I have their blood on my hands. I never wanted to hurt them or to make them cry. And so now I'm thinking "you always deserved better" but at the same time, I'm jealous that they'll like someone else for no sane reason. I have no right to feel or think that way when they're not even mine.

I have such a difficultly of feeling and showing love, mostly the feeling part. I don't understand what's missing from me. Maybe it has to do with trauma, or maybe I'm loveless, I'm not sure. I hate the uncertainty of it. I've felt glimpses of love before and it was good, but at the same time, I thought I didn't deserve it. I'm rambling at this point because it's almost 12am and I'm tired and aching

Pi.R^2 · 23-09-2023, 03:52 PM

Hey, sorry that you've not had a reply to this yet.

Love and attraction are weird old things and the pressure to do them 'normally' can be overwhelming. This isn't the same, but maybe links a bit - the pressure to conform to a heteronormative society and fancy boys was so much that I 'came out' as asexual before accepting that actually I liked girls! Once I allowed myself to experience attraction naturally and not how I thought I ought to, I eventually realised in my own time that I was occasionally attracted to men after all and finally settled on bisexual and then queer as my identity.

Not saying you are feeling any pressure to be attracted to a particular gender but I wonder if you're putting pressure on yourself to have the same level of attraction to people as others and that that is stifling your natural enjoyment of attraction? Maybe you're somewhere on the aromantic/asexual spectrum (or indeed maybe not!) but there's no 'right way or amount' to feel affection, both platonic and sexual.

I don't know if that helps at all. But I don't think there's anything missing from you and I don't think you should feel pressure to have more crushes or feel more love than you do.

wren_wyn · 04-10-2023, 04:22 AM

It's fine. I've been doing a little bit better I suppose, so I haven't checked RYL in a while. But thank you.

I'm not sure what I am, or feel, or anything and I feel cold blooded. I don't have much of feeling most times, it shifts for the person which makes me question if I actually love them or not. I wouldn't say I'm the most mentally stable, so I think feeling and being able to love is difficult for me when past trauma comes to the surface again or depression dips.

I've thought about myself being under the aro or ace spectrum before. I don't really know enough to care, honestly. I think the specific one was demisexual or something along those lines. I don't know, I'm so useless when it comes to this stuff.

I think what doesn't help is that relationships are advertised in a way? Such as in movies. There's a certain image, queer or not, about what a relationship is like or should be I feel. And so I don't fit into that category or any category because I'm not exactly the most loving person. I don't know how to love or what it feels like to be loved, or even the concept of love (something to research - note for myself).

I'll figure it out eventually I suppose. Not like I have to rush it. Whether I'm asexual or gay or anything else, I don't really care. I don't even know if I want someone. Anyways, whatever happens, happens.