Back after a long time

[going_nowhere]

Hello, I used to be on here a bit around 10-15 years ago or so and I had a stint (maybe two, my memory is a bit hazy on certain details for that period) in psychiatric hospital around then too. But for whatever reason it seems like I 'moved on' or something, and I had psychotherapy for a year-and-a-half (ish) and I haven't been on any meds for most of the time since (not saying these two things are linked, just that they happened). Not saying I got 'better', maybe I was just better at keeping busier though? I found some new friends so that probably helped a lot.

Anyway long story short but I will shortly be approaching a 'big' birthday and the feelings and thoughts that have reared their heads occasionally are now getting stronger and louder. I noticed it in the second half of last year actually. I have a decent-ish job but it's a fact that everyone I've worked with has moved up and I haven't. I've never had a girlfriend or any kind of relationship, and generally feel like a complete failure and freak. No-one has ever wanted me on the dating apps. My old friends have all forgotten about me and my newer friends are moving on with their lives and so they're understandably less available.

Everything is so pointless. I feel so sad and hopeless.

[nonperson]

Hello and welcome back (if that's the right thing to say). I'm sorry you're having a tough time right now.

I want to say you're certainly not hopeless or a freak and that I can understand some of what you've said. I am also approaching a big birthday and it has been playing on my mind a lot for quite some time now. It's hard to remember sometimes that age is just a number, despite that phrase being absolutely true.

Do you want to move up in your job? There's a lot of pressure to keep getting promotions but if you're ok where you are for the moment then that is ok too. Everyone moves through their lives at their own pace.

I'm also rather a failure at relationships too. You are definitely not alone or a failure. You've gone through things that other people haven't and have come through the other side - to me that shows a strength that the other people you're comparing yourself to don't have and that is something to be proud of.

[going_nowhere]

Thanks NP.

Yeah it is 'just a number', but equally I think it's true that it gets harder to do things as you get older. And it's just so tiring, so exhausting to have to keep making the effort, and for what? I'll never be able to afford my own place, and if I go down the shared ownership route (only mortgage I can afford in London), how are you supposed to afford the rent when you're old and retired?

On the job front I would like to move up just because I think I don't get the respect I deserve. More money would be nice of course but as it still wouldn't be enough to get me on the housing ladder it's not really a factor. People see your grade and can be so dismissive, even though I'm smarter than half the people above me (this sounds arrogant but I do think it's true). I'm rubbish at doing interviews though.

As for relationships, I really think it's indisputable that I am a freak here. The vast majority of people (by definition 'normal') have relationships, ergo if you've always been single then you are abnormal. It's not nice maybe but it is a fact. During the pandemic the Guardian had a piece about people experiencing a lack of 'touch', and how this is bad for the body and mental health. I was like, "haha I could've told you all about this any time in the last 10 years you idiots!"

I get the whole "you've shown strength to come through everything" and I do think there is something to this. But I don't think it should be celebrated too much - I worry it trivialises the far worse situations that soooo many people around the world are in, and I find the whole "it's ok to not be ok" thing a bit sinister too. Like, yes not being ok is fine sometimes but not all the time, and why isn't anyone trying to do anything about the underlying causes that is making so many people feel so depressed and traumatised for so much of their lives? If anything, there's too many people out there cashing in on people's suffering by selling them 'wellbeing' solutions that are little more than shiny distractions.